Tangential! Series 5 Viewathon!
by Enzonia
Summary: The weekly Merlin Viewathon is here! For each episode of Merlin, a new chapter filled with (vaguely) funny commentary on the episode, whilst going off on lots and lots of Tangents! All those things you were shouting at the TV, written down for you to see! This week: Finally updated (but only half an episode :S) REALLY long tangents, Capsing, slugs and why I shouldn't have magic.
1. Arthur's Bane - Part 1

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Merlin series 5 has finally begun again! And who's just watched episode 1 after squealing incomprehensibly about the aforementioned episode one that's just come on TV? Me, that's who! I thought, in the spirit of Merlin awesomeness and hyperactive fangirling, I should write an on-the-go Merlin series 5 episodes reviews! I might not be able to do this for every episode, every weekend, but I will damn well try my best! In the name of Merlin-induced delirium. All week I've been _literally _jumping up and down with excitement whenever Merlin's been mentioned. And I mean literally. One of my friends has to keep telling me to stop moving, and it's _hard!_

This episode has been watched by yours truly (Enzonia 'Called it!'), and my two friends, who commented on it as we watched it. And I decreed that they shalt be known by their (badly chosen by me, or themselves) nicknames Ro and El. Mostly because I'm way too lazy to type out their full names all the time (come on, it's an extra 3 letters each! That way too much of my precious time!) They'll have some of their comments on here (but not every episode), as well as making me laugh at topless Gwaine. Yes, topless Gwaine is in this episode. Yes, I may have almost fallen off the sofa when he turned up. And topless Percival too. I think the TV people might have read my mind and seen what I wanted to happen.

Anyway! On with the reviewing! Cue tense changing randomly between present and past! And random singing and tangents! (The name of this summary/review fic is about my ability to go off on Tangents. Hence, Tangential! That's my middle name! Well, technically my middle name is evil and annoying, not to mention sucky, but I'm talking metaphorically. See I just went off on a tangent there! These are normally followed with 'Anyway'.

Anyway...

On with the summary!

* * *

Preparations for Merlin checklist, time to fill it out. A large supply of chocolate biscuits provided by El? Check. Way too many Pringles? Check. A completed Merlinathon in the hours beforehand? Check, check and double check. Preparations complete. All three of us settled down in front of the TV, as the introduction began to play…

And yes, we _might _have spoken along with the Dragon, word for word.

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!' **

'**HUAH!'**

'Huah' is the technical name for the sound the TV makes as the camera zooms in on Merlin as the Dragon speaks the last bit. it _is _technical name, I am not lying. Deal with it.

Merlin's running! And shouting! With dramatic music! I wasn't really paying _that _much attention at this point, as I was still bouncing up and down on my seat after the intro. I was more than slightly hyperactive. I managed to calm down in time for Merlin to meet Arthur. Mostly.

Cue Banter.. And Irony as Arthur asks whether there's anything Merlin can do. Oh oblivious Arthur… *shakes head*. And Gwen's got a dress that _isn't _some shade of pastel. The art's people have finally gone off pastel it seems. Maybe it's out of fashion. And Gwen's got a maid! At this point I was pointing at the TV and jumping up and down shouting 'POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST! POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST!' until El told me to calm down and be quiet.

Gwaine! Who doesn't like him? If anyone said 'me' just then, then you suck. Gwaine rules. And Leon the invincible knight. And Percival. And Elyan. Basically all the knights. And Merlin. Oh, snow! It's snowing! Where is _that _supposed to be? Wales? England? (that is where I assume Camelot is, but it doesn't snow like that much.) And if it's snowing, Gwaine might not take his top off… :(. Ah well, at least Gwaine's good.

**ARTHUR – **There has been no word from them since.

**ME – **NOOOOOOOO! You can't take Gwaine! Not Gwaine! Take Gaius instead! In fact, take Gaius as well! Just take Gaius! Please! Save me from his eyebrows!

Ooooooh! Awesome tower in the snow. And PERCIVAL. Hang on, there's creepy music playing in the background, along with ambient wind sounds, and Arthur just said there hasn't been word from them. That can't be good. Something's going to leap out at them…

Cue Growl.

CALLED IT!

And they're running. Anyone else think that the red capes are a bad thing? They really stick out in the snow. Just chuck it off Gwaine! But he doesn't, he draws out his sword with a CHWING sound (another technical name for the sound), and IT'S THE WOLF FROM THE TRAILER! And yes, I did say that out loud, pointing at the TV again. So Gwaine's going to kill a wolf. No wonder they're extinct in the UK, Gwaine killed them all. Meh, Gwaine can take a wolf. And it cuts back to Arthur.

**ARTHUR – **It is as if they had vanished from the face of the earth.

So Gwaine's not going to win that fight against the wolf, is he?

*Sigh*

Cut to Wolf howling next to Gwaine, who's lying prone in the snow. Someone just kicked him over, wearing a black dress. Bet it's Morgana. She wears a lot of black. It's like her constant smirking in Series 3. She's like "LOOK AT ME! I'M SOOOOOOOO EVIL! I KEEP SMIRKING AND WEARING BLACK! MWHAHAHA!" Yes Morgana, you're evil, we get it.

And it's Morgana. (Called it!), Poor Gwaine.

~~Tangential!~~

CUE MERLIN INTRO SONG!

Yes, we did all hum along to it. Is it just me, or does it look slightly different? I'm not actually sure if it _is _different though, anyone know?

Dahdahdah DAH, dah dadada, dah dadada, dah dah dah DADADA!

Who understood my written ending to the Merlin theme tune? I don't think I did.

~~Tangential!~~

Oh, the wolves are back, and Morgana's…

Morgana's on a _sleigh?_

Is she Father Christmas now? The sleigh just rides past the camera, and all my brain can do is start (mentally) singing 'Jingle Bells'. What an awesome version of Merlin that'd be. They should really do a Merlin Musical. What songs would they do?

_Dashing through the snow,  
On a two wolf open sleigh,  
Over snow she goes,  
Smirking all the way!_

_SMIRKY GUY, SMIRKY GIRL!  
Smirking all the way!  
Oh what fun it is to smirk!  
In a castle, or a sleigh!_

Anyway, back to actual Merlin. Smirking guy is in the castle. Smirking. Oh, pan down to Gwaine. AND HE BETTER NOT BE DEAD MORGANA, OR I'LL FIND A WAY TO TELEPORT INTO TV, AND I'LL PUNCH YOU! Morgana's looking for something. A key of something. Bet it's evil. It's normally evil. Or maybe it's good, but it can be twisted to do evil, like the cup of life.

Gwaine's come in! The room's become 200% more awesome. And Morgana just hit Gwaine. If looks could kill, Morgana would be dead now. If looks could kill, everyone in _Camelot _during series 3 would be dead.

_Morgana glares at another servant. Servant drops down dead._

_**UTHER – **__Not another one! That's the third on this week! Any idea what's causing this?_

_Morgana whistles nonchalantly._

Anyway, Morgana wants Gwaine to find something. Probably the key. Maybe it's her car key. I once lost my house keys and had to wait outside my house for 4 hours in the rain until my parents came back from work. I repeat, it _rained_. No wonder she's looking for her key. PAN DOWN! (Lots of panning this series). Oh, miners! How bad is it that I subconsciously started singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go!' under my breath? Instead of caring about the men doing the mining. Hang on one second…

They're all topless. Wow, Morgana made all the muscly men work topless. That says… a lot.

More panning down, and more dwarf miners. Wow, Minecraft multiplayer server. Morgana and Smirking guy are in _Minecraft _castle. Cool.

BLACKNESS!

~~Tangential!~~

Elyan (AND LEON! :D) are looking at a map with Arthur and Gwen (and Merlin. It really goes without saying though.) Discussing stuff. The Camera switches from Elyan to Gwen, to Arthur, to Elyan, to Gaius.

Gaius…

Cue me, El and Ro bursting out into laughter at Gaius' hair. What the _hell?_ That's just… no. Just no. And his eyebrows are still there, preparing to do the weird eyebrowy thing they do. And back to Merlin! He looks upset (probably because Gwaine's missing, and Gwaine's just… epic!). Oh! Call back to 'His Father's son'! Queen Annis! Leon says that Annis would let them pass, and Leon's never wrong. Or dead.

Merlin opens the door and… walks into Potential Love Interest. Cue me to shout 'POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST!' again, causing El and Ro to shout at me again. Anyone else reminded of Nimueh/Cara from 'Poisoned Chalice'? Merlin helped her pick up stuff too. Merlin just has a habit of walking into people carrying stuff. He helps her pick up plums (I think? Why's she carrying plums anyway). And Arthur has to be a clotpole and call for Merlin when he's having a romantic moment. Seriously Arthur, didn't you hear me shout 'POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST' at the TV? Let Merlin stay with her! If I can't have him, at least let _someone _be with him, he needs a Potential love interest this series!

Nope, Merlin gets called again and has to leave, passing her a plum(?). Arthur's a prat. (Guess who's stealing Merlin's insults? Yup, me! I'm a Lexikleptomaniac. It's a real thing. Probably.)

~~Tangential!~~

Horsey time! Yay!

**MERLIN – **Do you really think Gwaine and Percival could still be alive?

Heck yeah! I was promised topless Gwaine! They're fine!

**ARTHUR – **If it was you who'd disappeared, Merlin, I wouldn't bother.

_Sure _Arthur. That's why you rode out looking for him in 'Servants of Two Masters', and gave him a hug even though he was covered in mud. Of _course _you wouldn't ride out and look for Merlin. I _totally _believe you.

~~Tangential!~~

Cue topless men! YES, TOPLESS GWAINE AND PERCIVAL! With pickaxes, and according to topless Gwaine and Percival, Morgana has made them look for a key.

"I think they're looking for Diamonds, so they can improve their pick's durability to 1562!" I said. But nobody responded. Apparently you can't make Minecraft references when you're the only one out of your friends who plays the game Minecraft. They're underneath Minecraft castle, so they should _know _what they're looking for. Or they'll just end up with Lapis and huge volumes of Coal. 64 bits. Humph.

They stop talking as some men buckets on their heads walk past. I think they're Saxons (somewhere on the Merlin site said that the Saxons were supposed to making an appearance this season, so maybe the Bucket Men are Saxons!)

~~Tangential!~~

Cut back to Horsies! Fun fact of the day! I'm allergic to horses. Ooh, dramatic/creepy music. They're going to get attacked by something or find something, aren't they? That's not going to end well. It _never _ends well when dramatic/creepy music plays. That's a rule of life. If you hear string music playing eerily, run away screaming. That's why I got chucked out of my school Orchestra! Cue sending some knights off on their own (never split up. That _never _works)

**ELYAN – **There's something you need to see!

Called it! Well mostly, I thought someone was going to attack them, but creepy thing that Arthur needs to see is close enough. Probably.

And it's a camp, which I think looks like a Druid camp. But I did just see 'The Nightmare Begins' so I've got druid camps on the brain. There's a Druid that Ro keeps calling 'Cool Druid', and I have no idea which Druid it's supposed to be. She pointed him out in 'The Nightmare Begins' (The guy who runs with Mordred and Morgana), and pointed out that he was 'hot'. I pointed out that hot and cool are antonyms, so she should rechristen him 'Hot Druid'. She didn't though, and she _still _insists on calling Morgause, 'Mongoose', and Aithusa 'Cute Baby Dragon', despite me constantly telling her that that she's _Aithusa!_

Anyway.

It's _way _too quiet, so something's going to jump out, or grab Arthur/Merlin, to make us all jump. That happens a lot when there's _no _music. Too much music = bad, no music = bad.

Sadly, this doesn't happen, though there is a weird whisper of 'Emrys', and so Merlin goes off into the cave after the sound. This does not go down well with us Merlinaphiles.

"Sure, just _go _into the creepy cave, _that_'ll end well" I said.

"And he doesn't bother telling any of the knights where he's going either" El pointed out. "Go after the guy who knows your Druid name. That's fine"

But he ignores us. People in TV always ignore me, and then they die. Idiots.

"IT'S THE GUY FROM THE TRAILER!" I shouted again, jabbing my finger at the TV at the Creepy Chap by the water pool.

He looks dead, but he speaks to Merlin in the Trailer, so he _can't _be dead, can he? And then he grabs Merlin's hand, causing El to jump. I didn't jump, nooo way. *shifty eyes*. Also, someone jumped out at Merlin. *looks up 6 paragraphs

CALLED IT!

Creepy chap talks to Merlin (quoting the Trailer which I've seen way too much. I got into my Merlinathon about a week before this episode, so I watched the trailer several times.)

**ME AND CREEPY CHAP –** The Prophets speak of Arthur's bane. You would do well to fear it, for it stalks him, like a ghost in the night.

Cue odd looks from Ro and El. Creepy Chap keeps on being creepy, and chats to Merlin a bit, about Arthur's fate. Then he dies. What killed him? Did he just die for no reason? He just died for plot convenience, didn't he? To pass on a final message to Merlin! I have to think of a name for that illness. Hmm Convenientitus, maybe? Anyone got any better ideas? Ooh! Merlin's looking into the water and it's _red_. That's probably not good. No, wait, _really _not good. He's looking into the future and we all know how well _that _worked out the last couple of times he did that. Brilliantly. He keeps looking though, even though it won't end well, and we all know it. He'll end up causing the future to happen, whilst trying to stop it.

*sigh*

Dead body wearing Camelot red, and Arthur, as well as NEW Mordred. (Now with 50% more facial hair!). And he starts fighting Arthur. Arthur falls to the ground, and Mordred looks sour. Maybe he swallowed a lemon. A _combustible _lemon. Merlin is drawn out by Arthur. Arthur being oblivious (as usual) doesn't seem to notice that Merlin has seen the future, and Arthur die. Though he does see that Merlin's upset, but blames it on Creepy Chap's dead body.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin looks sad and angsty, not sleeping. He's doing some Pensive-Staring at the sky. It's sort of understandable, as he's just seen his best-friend die in the future. So he gets up and uses his 'epic dragon voice'

"Dragony Time!" I said happily, as the Dragon and Merlin talk on a cliff. Wow, new meeting place! It's better than the field that's in view of Camelot. I always wondered how _nobody _saw it fly there. People are all as oblivious as Arthur…

Merlin has a nice chat with the Dragon about whether the battle will happen, and why the 'Vates' (Creepy Chap?) showed him the future. My guess is that they thought Merlin wasn't having enough 'Pensive-Staring'. A Pensive Stare a day keeps the doctor away! Anything will keep the doctor away, if aimed properly...

~~Tangential!~~

More horsies! Then Annis! I've missed her! Her throne room's a lot stone-ier than Camelot's. Talking of Camelot… Cut back to Gwen eating food! Or not eating it, she's worried. Aw, she's being so nice to Potential Love Interest! Giving her the food and chatting to her.

**GWEN – **Do you have someone you worry about?

Potential Love Interest nods.

**ME – **Noooooooo! You're _MERLIN'S _Potential Love Interest! You can't have anyone else! No! NO!

It better be her brother or dad or someone, and the person she's worrying about is not someone she's romantically involved in!

~~Tangential!~~

Cut back to another feast! Arthur and Annis are talking about some serious stuff, as well as how Gwaine and Percival might still be alive (and topless, though they don't mention it). They talk about the Saxons (Called it! Sort of. Well, I read it off the internet, I don't think it counts as a 'Called it!' moment though.) and how they suck in general (not exact words.) Merlin stands by and fills Arthur's goblet. Arthur never seems to get drunk in Merlin though.

**ANNIS – **I think it's time for some entertainment. I would _love _to see your fool perform!

First thought – What do you mean, 'your fool?'

Second thought – DON'T CALL MERLIN A FOOL! HE IS _AWESOME!_

So Merlin has to show some skills. He got _skills_. Just most of them are hidden. Also, Merlin agrees with me, he says 'I'm not a _fool_' to Arthur. Though he _did _make it way too easy for Arthur to retort with 'That's debatable'.

Almost at the same time, me, El and Ro all start to talk about what Merlin will do.

"He's going to magic and pretend it isn't magic!"

"Maybe he'll juggle or trip over or something while doing it!"

Most of us think he'll do magic of some kind, and we're right! Called it! (Does it count when someone else says it first?). He does his 'Eye-Magic-Flash', before he then pulls out eggs and… Juggles. Called it?

Hang on? What was his 'Eye-Magic-Flash' for in the first place? Did he do it to help him Juggle or something? I really don't know, but what I _do _know, is that Arthur's face during all of this is _epic! _It's all like "What the hell? Merlin's the clumsiest person ever? How come I never knew he could Juggle?"

"Did the spell cause the eggs to gravitate towards his hands or something?" El asked curiously, as the scene changed to Merlin staring pensively into a fire. Sad music plays. Arthur asks Merlin about his juggling skills (because Merlin's clumsy. We all know it.) I feel he's feeling slightly guilty about the fact that he never knew that Merlin could juggle after… *quick mental maths* about 10 years? Arthur then asks what's wrong (pensive fire-staring, remember?). Cue quiet 'aws' from us Merlinaphiles. He does care! Merlin voices his concerns about going to Ismere. (Minecraft castle). Ignored by Arthur (honestly, if Arthur listened to Merlin every time Merlin says they shouldn't do something, life would be a _lot _easier. Arthur then chucks wood at him. (Don't ask why.)

More pensive fire staring.

~~Tangential!~~

Potential Love Interest is leaving Camelot, as Gwen watches from the window. Creepy/Eerie music is playing, and this conversation is going on among the Merlinaphiles.

"Hang on, no-one leaves Camelot at night, unless they're evil…" El said.

"No! She can't be evil! She's Potential Love Interest! Maybe evil guys have kidnapped her brother or something!" I said desperately as she walks further into the forest.

"She looks too _scared _to be evil!" I pointed out, as PLI (Potential Love Interest) is frightened by a raven. She walks towards a creepy guy.

"Hang on, is that Morgana's person?" Ro asks, as the camera reveals his face. It's Smirking Guy, and he puts a knife to PLI's face. This might mean she's not evil, right? She tells Smirking Guy about them going through Annis' land to get to Camelot, as Smirking Guy turns to leave. He stops and turns to PLI.

**SMIRKING GUY – **I hope they haven't ill-treated you.

**ME – **What! No! That means that he _cares _about PLI! So PLI's evil! I'll have to change her name now!

**PLI (For the moment being) – **They've been good to me, Father.

Father? What sort of father uses their own _daughter _as a spy? Not a good one, that's what sort…

~~Tangential!~~

Smirking Guy rides on a Horse (sneeze machine), cut to Camelot knights riding on horses, through trees. Seriously, the red _really _stands out in the green forest. I pointed this out to Ro and El.

"They should really change their colour to Green"

"Or Grey" El said, maybe thinking of the snow-scene that surrounds Minecraft castle. Anything's better than than red though.

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to Gwen again, who's talking to Evil Potential Love Interest. EPLI. Gwen confronts her about her leaving the city, though writes it off as EPLI seeing a man in the forest, with romantic stuff happening. EPLI smiles and leaves.

~~Tangential!~~

CUT TO SNOW-SCENE!

What I said about anything being better than red? Not in snow. Smirking Guy's black cape (because he has to wear black because TEE HEE HEE, HE'S SOOO EVIl!111!1) stands out like a turd on a supermarket floor. He rides towards Minecraft castle in the distance, where he talks to Morgana about where Arthur and his knights are. Morgana says _another _line from the trailer.

**MORGANA – **Prepare for battle.

**ME – **SHE SAID THAT IN THE TRAILER!

El and Ro gave me looks, as I smiled happily at the TV. Every time I see something from _any _of the trailers, I will point it out. To the annoyance of all near me.

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to Merlin again, who's involved in more Pensive-Staring. (3rd time this episode.) Arthur comes over again to talk to him, while the knights chat in the background. Bet half of them will be dead soon, because those red-capes are like red-shirts in Star-Trek. They die easily. Arthur asks what's wrong again. Aw. Merlin should just say that the Druid guy showed him a vision of him being killed by NEW Mordred, and that's why he's worried. He doesn't have to mention the whole 'Merlin-has-magic' thingy either! Staring occurs. Arthur leaves, and Merlin follows, as sad music plays.

SUDDENLY, DRAMATIC MUSIC CUTS IN! Morgana is followed by Bucket Men (Saxons). Cut to Red-Capes (Knights) in a fog-covered valley. A horse whines and they all draw out swords. They camped in a valley. Without anyone on guard duty. Idiots. That's _why _the Red-Capes are synonymous with Red Shirts. And now the Bucket Men are surrounding them and coming to fight them. And then Morgana appears. And all hell breaks loose as everyone 'makes a tactical retreat'. Epic sword stuff occurs, and Leon (My second favourite knight!) does some awesome stuff, but he's approached by Smirking Guy.

"No! Leon! Run away! You can't fight Smirking Guy! He's the antagonist, and it's only 30 minutes into the episode! You won't kill him!" I shouted. Sadly, he did not heed my advice. Suddenly, I realised something. "Actually, _do _fight him! You're Leon the never dead! You don't _do _dying!"

"It's because he drank from the cup of life!" Ro said. I'm not actually sure if this is right. I think he survived weird stuff before, but this might explain it. Any ideas about Leon's invincibility? I think he's a Time-Lord. Anyway.

Smirking Guy beats Leon.

Called it!

And Arthur sees. Being a noble sort of person, he runs over to stop Smirking Guy killing Leon. Arthur has this cool slow-mo sequence where he takes out 1,2,3,4,5! Bucket Men, before being hit on the head with a mace.

"MERLIN!" we yelled "Save him! Get him!"

And Merlin does (Called it?), picking him up and walking away from the battle. He puts him down, and uses magic awesomeness (Eye-Magic-Flash) to make a snake scare some horses away. He then carries Arthur away. Soon, Arthur wakes to see Merlin's (gorgeous) face. Merlin has to tell Arthur about the battle. Merlin tells Arthur that he saved him. Arthur's reaction is thus:

**ARTHUR – **You saved me?

**MERLIN – **Yes. And I can juggle. I keep telling you, I have _many _talents.

Do I detect a note of bitterness there? I thought I heard some when Merlin mentioned the juggling. Poor Merlin, Arthur thinks he useless sometimes, doesn't he. Don't worry Merlin, me and the Merlinaphiles love ya! It's literally in the name. Merlinaphiles. Merlin-Philes. Merlin Lovers. It's literally literal! He helps Arthur up, and they start to walk away.

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to the Minecraft Tunnels under Minecraft castle. The camera pans across sleeping men, to… topless Gwaine and Percival. Asleep next to each other.

And the Fandom Rejoiced.

By that, I mean that I'm sure than several Gwaine/Percival slash fics will be on this website within a few seconds. I pointed out (not that I needed to) that Gwaine was topless, again.

El started to snigger, before singing "TOPLESS GWAINE!" to the tune of 'Chocolate Rain'. Now whenever I see topless Gwaine that song will play in my head. Gwaine turns and sees blue flickery light in the tunnel off where they're sleeping. They have to pretend to be asleep again as the Bucket Men pass, but Gwaine looks at the light again. Bet it's aliens.

~~Tangential!~~

Cut back to Merlin and Arthur. Merlin wants to go back to Camelot. Arthur disagrees. Arthur gets his way, and Merlin loses his temper slightly, and actually shouts at Arthur! Wow! That's not normal for Merlin. He just calls Arthur a prat (though he hasn't this episode. Sadly.)

~~Tangential!~~

Cut again, (a lot of cutting is getting done here. So many 'Tangential's are written in the centre of this page!) Epic music as Leon (Told you he couldn't die!) and Elyan arrive back, telling Gwen and Gaius about the attack. They have to tell Gwen that Arthur and Merlin were lost. (While I snigger at Gaius' hair. I hardly heard that scene, I was too focused on his hair. It still makes me giggly now.)

**GWEN – **Someone betrayed us!

Not again! Seriously? After Morgana and Agravaine and so many more people have betrayed Camelot? Why do people keep doing that!

"They should really do background checks on servants" El said pensively. That is true. How many episodes of Merlin could have been averted if they'd simply _checked _whether someone was who they said they were?

Not to mention how many would have been averted if Arthur had _listened _to Merlin!

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur and Merlin lying asleep next to each other. _Really _not helping on the Merlin/Arthur front. Simply adding to the slash fics on the website. I like Canon couples. I don't mind slash if it's _Canon. _I like fics that are _Canon_. There needs to be a word for that. Maybe _Canon_-ballers. I am a Canonballer. Anyway, Merlin tells Arthur that Creepy Chap told him that Arthur was in danger.

Looks up many, _many _paragraphs. Called it!

Merlin says they should go back. Arthur ignores him. As usual.

*Sigh*

Arthur says some epic lines about beliefs, and then!

TRAILER QUOTING TIME!

**ARTHUR – **I swear I'm-

**ME AND ARTHUR – **going to rescue my men, or die trying.

**ME AND MERLIN – **And I swear I will protect you, or die at your side.

Arthur smiles and sleeps. Merlin lies back and sleeps. Looking pensive.

~~Tangential!~~

GWAINE LIFTING ROCKS! "Topless Gwaine!" I sing (under my breath, but still pretty loudly. I don't really do quietly) Yes, he's _still _topless. The BBC knows how to appeal to us Merlinaphiles. He sees the flickery light again, and goes to investigate. Can I take a moment to say that Gwaine looks _awesome _without his top on? Good. We were all thinking that. He peers around corners and hears a snake (?) hiss. That's not good. Snakes are never good on Merlin (Formorrah ring any bells?). Gwaine keeps on going, because Gwaine is awesome. And topless.

He keeps on going around the corner, and is grabbed by some Bucket Men, and knocked to the ground. They started kicking him, because they suck. I really thought Percival was going to appear and murder them for hurting Gwaine, but he doesn't. Sad. I wish I had the ability to transport myself into TV programs so I could knee those Bucket Men in the groin. Hard.

~~Tangential!~~

SLEEPING MERLIN AND ARTHUR!

Arthur has his elbow in Merlin's ear for some reason. Don't ask why. Arthur hears people overhead, and stops Merlin from talking. Morgana appears. And mutters darkly about the two of them, who are (coincidentally) nearby. They ride past, and there's a timeskip, so now Merlin and Arthur are walking (and complaining in the former's case). Merlin talks about food! And then, as if by magic! (Don't tell Uther I said that!) two rabbits appear in front of him. Because Merlin can be an idiot sometimes, he doesn't question the fact that someone killed rabbits and _left them _out for someone else to find. I thought you were the brighter side of the coin Merlin!

Suddenly, I recognise this as a scene from the trailer, and sigh loudly. Merlin touches the rabbit, and Arthur dives for him. And they're caught in a net together.

Honestly, they have a _sword! _Can't they just cut their way out of it?

*Facepalm*.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen again, and EPLI is being brought in before her. Gwen's wearing red now. Cool. Anyway, Gwen questions EPLI, and realises that EPLI is the traitor (background checks, seriously!). Gwen looks more than slightly peeved, and actually _shouts _at EPLI for a bit. Gwen shouts at EPLI a bit.

Gwen then sentences her to death. Elyan gives her a look which just says "What?". Gwen is nice! She doesn't do death-sentences! In 'To Kill a King' she wouldn't let her _dad's murderer _die! Prediction: Elyan will talk to her, and Gwen will overthrow the death sentence, Then EPLI, will become PLI once more. EPLI is dragged off, and Gwen looks peeved.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the net at night. They seem to be trying to get at the sword (Called it!), and due to general Merlin clumsiness, the sword falls out of the net. Arthur seems less than happy about this.

**ARTHUR – **_MERLIN! __GOD!_

Couldn't one of them _climb _up the rope thingy, and then get out? Or is it impossible or something? I wouldn't really know

Merlin and Arthur blame each other for the sword-losing. The net swings from side to side. I want a swing like that. One of the rabbits has vanished, which means that it's probably squished between Merlin and Arthur. Joy. Squished dead rabbit. Lovely.

~~Tangential!~~

"Topless Gwaine!" I sang again, as the aforementioned Topless Gwaine appears, unconscious on the floor. There are shadows moving around him, and he looks injured.

"Aithusa!" I said happily "She's going to heal him!"

Weird, glowly hands appear. Didn't call it. What's the opposite of 'Call'? Send? Sended it? The camera turns to reveal…

The Alien from Indiana Jones?

Wait a second…

*Scrolls up quite a bit*

Called it? Apparently my sarcasm can predict the future…

Aliens. It's all Aliens. THE GUYS WITH THE TIN FOIL HATS WERE _RIGHT _ALL ALONG!

~~Tangential!~~

Cut back to swingy net with squished rabbit. The net falls (morning!). Scottish bandits appear, and Arthur is without his sword. They are probably going to kill him. Except they can't, because it's the first episode in a series. So _poopy face _to you Scottish bandits! Arthur asks for Merlin to be released (aw…).

Shockingly, they let him go, but Merlin won't stand for it.

**MERLIN – **If you're going to kill him, you'll have to kill me first.

The Merlin Whump! Alarm in my head just got set off then. I blame it on fanfiction. Whenever that line is uttered in _any _fanfiction, it isn't good. They turn to him with the sword.

"STOP!" Someone yells.

I turned briefly to Ro and El, half-expecting the yell to come from someone who'd forgotten that Merlin is fiction (sadly). But no, it's NEW Mordred. Slow zoom in on Merlin's face. Merlin looks less than happy, and Scottish Bandits walk away. Mordred helps Arthur up, and talks to him, telling him that Arthur saved his life. And Merlin says 'Mordred'. People looks at him.

**MORDRED – **Hello Arthur.

* * *

'**HUAH!'**

'**MERLIN'**

Next time time! Wow, that episode seemed so _short! _Or maybe I was just over-excited about Merlin, so I was expecting longer. It was still epic though.

Anyway…

Next time, there's a hissy snake sound. Maybe it's the Alien's spaceship? Then, cut to Minecraft castle, panning up (again) from what might be Merlin and Arthur's heads. Then Merlin and Mordred talking. Then, Merlin talking to Gaius (I recognise his stupid hair). That means that Merlin _does_ get back to Camelot. Yay.

Tied up Arthur punching Smirking dude. That's good. I think I can see tied up Merlin in the background too. Merlin leaping across a snowy crevasse (near Minecraft castle?) And running. And horsies. (FROM THE SERIES 5 TRAILER!). More fighting, Morgana sending someone flying (temper tantrum. She has _anger _issues!). Percival (still topless) with a sword.

AITHUSA!

(Called it!)

But she's evil :( and shooting fire at Merlin and Arthur. Aw. She's too cute to be evil!

More fire

CREDITS!

Wow. That was epic.

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 12. **

**Total 'Aw' moments: 4.**

**Predictions for next episode: Gwaine will continue to be topless ("Topless Gwaine!"), EPLI will be redeemed, or not killed. Merlin will be sad over Aithusa. Gwaine and Percival will escape (Topless), and fight Bucket Men in Minecraft castle. Then Mordred will join them, and they'll all go home and laugh at Gaius' haircut behind his back. Merlin will get hugged at some point. Smirking Guy will die.**

* * *

See ya next week! Hopefully more "Topless Gwaine" (I'm humming 'Chocolate rain' constantly now, _thanks _El.) Merlin Magic, Minecraft Castle, EPLI/PLI, Smirking Guy, Random Singing, ALIENS! Gaius' awful haircut (did nobody tell him how awful it was? Bet they were all laughing at him behind his back…) and aw! Moments.


	2. Arthur's Bane - Part 2

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Hey folks! Who's just seen Merlin? Me! That's who! This time, as well as Ro and El, Ab's been watching Merlin with us! Also, guess what?! I brought a notebook with me! This way I can note down who actually said what (I wasn't really paying _that _much attention last time, and I think I got some stuff wrong (guilty look). Also, I _know_ that next week's will be a day late, and the week after's will be a few days late. I'll be in New York! Anyway, I don't think I'll be late for any others, but I'll write it in the A/N if I am going to be.

Also, these reviews can be found on my blog, EatSleepCrap. In case you're wondering. Onwards!

* * *

**Last time – **Gwaine was topless (and Percival). Merlin was pensive, Gwen was sentencing Potential Love Interests to death, Arthur was being unconscious and Gaius had stupid hair. Oh, and the alien from Indiana Jones turned up. And snow. In Wales (Though someone said it might actually be Scotland. Who knows?)

"More topless Gwaine this episode!" El said. (After singing the Topless Gwaine song).

"And topless Percival!" Ab added.

So, I turned off the lights (well, I watched as Ab did it. It's her house.) Sadly there were no biscuits this time, just my excitement. And then the music started. And as usual, we all talked along with the Dragon. Come on! Join in! You know you want to!

*Together!*

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

Oh. Another Last time, which is probably better than mine. It shows the prophecy, and then Smirking Guy (Evil Potential Love Interest's father) telling Morgana about the key. Cut to Topless mining people (and then to Gwaine and Percival.) Then battle, then Topless Gwaine (hums 'Topless Gwaine' under breath.) Suddenly, a wild Mordred appears!

**Theme Tune**. **Just hum it. I can't write tunes on Microsoft Word. YouTube it if you must.**

It's Morgana, in bed. CUT TO DARKNESS. Is she in a well? It looks horrible. And she's chained up. With AITHUSA (Awesome dragon!) And she wakes, and calls for Aithusa. Don't ask me how Morgana knows Aithusa's name. Magic. Maybe Aithusa can already talk! Awww Aithusa's so cute! And I can't completely hate Morgana when she's so nice to Aithusa! I want Merlin to go and give Aithusa a big hug. What happened to Aithusa? Whoever did it will PAY! And Morgana cuddles Aithusa, who's so CUTE! (I might have said that before though. And may say it many more times, too.)

~~Tangential!~~

Ooh! Snow. (I still don't think it's that snowy _anywhere _in the UK. Even Scotland. Maybe a wizard did it.) And Arthur's chained up next to Merlin (just like I Called It in the 'predictions' last time. Well, it was _sort of_ in the trailer.) Arthur's blaming Merlin slightly, as he grabbed the food. Which isn't really fair, is it, because Arthur could have just _let _Merlin be caught, and cut Merlin down. I blame Arthur. Merlin's awesome.

~~Tangential!~~

And there's a noose. For EPLI (Evil Potential Love Interest/Sefa (found out her name finally!)). I don't think she'll die, just because I completely ship her with Merlin. It'd be so horrible, knowing you were going to die and not being able to do anything about it. She looks upset too, but then a door open.

Cue immature sniggering about Gaius' hair. It's creepily straight…

"Where does he even get straighteners from?" Ro asked, after the sniggering stopped. Who even styles his hair? Does he do it himself? Why does he have it that… _interesting_ then?

*shudder*

EPLI wants Gaius to talk to Gwen about her punishment. I do feel quite sorry for her. There's a lot more morally grey people in this series of Merlin, aren't there? They were all evil or good in the first 2 series, but now there's Sefa, who's not too bad, and Morgana, who likes Aithusa so much that it's hard for me to dislike her.

Gaius leaves.

~~Tangential!~~

And it's back to Merlin and Arthur (though Arthur's asleep). He's doing some more Pensive-Staring at the bad guys (and Mordred). It looks _really _cold, and Merlin looks cold too. They kept him away from the fire it seems. And away from food it doubly seems (they taunt him with some bread). They then chuck the bread _just _out of his reach, as they're evil.

Mordred thinks they should feed them, and I agree. Merlin needs food because Merlin needs to be able to do AWESOMENESS! Mordred's another morally grey character. We don't really know much about him at the moment. I think he's a good guy at the moment (and not just because he's got brilliant hair. Ok, _mostly _not because he's got brilliant hair.)

I really want to give Merlin a hug.

Well, more than usual, anyway.

~~Tangential!~~

Creepy alien! Who also appear to be naked, as well as the Indiana Jones Alien. The resemblance is pretty weird. Topless Gwaine is still… topless. And the Alien has magic too, making Topless Gwaine invisible or something. I still think that Percival needs to find Gwaine, because he seems to have been gone for quite some time. And also, I'd just like to see more of Percival in general. (No, not like that…)

~~Tangential!~~

Snow scene again! It immediately cuts to three people sleeping in a great pile! It's like they're having a slave cuddle! And Merlin's in _exactly _the same position. He didn't get any sleep it seems. (Arthur's still napping, bless him). Ooh, Mordred again! I'm hoping for Merlin and Mordred to make up, and _not _try to kill Mordred. Hasn't he ever heard of a _self-fulfilling prophecy? _He's encountered them before!

Mordred gives Merlin food! Yay! I really hope Mordred isn't evil, Arthur saved his life! He should try to repay it. Naturally, Merlin seems suspicious (the last time Merlin saw Mordred, Merlin _might _have tried to get Mordred killed.)

**MERLIN – **Why are you doing this?

**MORDRED – **He once saved my life. I owe him a debt. Don't be so quick to judge me.

Called it! (So he won't be evil *fingers crossed*).

**MORDRED – **I promise… your secret is safe with me.

Hell yeah! Go Mordred.

"He can't really tell Arthur that Merlin's got magic though" Ab pointed out "Merlin would just say that Mordred had magic. You have magic. No _you _have magic! No _**you **_have magic! No _YOU _have magic!"

And then Mordred leaves, after telling Merlin about the Diamere (?), which is 'The Key' Morgana's looking for. (So not her car keys then…)

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to Minecraft Tower (yep, still calling it that – deal with it!). Morgana enters, meeting Smirking Guy/EPLI's father. He looks sad, probably as his _daughter's_been arrested and sentenced to death! I blame him! Who sends their _daughter _to be a spy? Bad parenting!

Morgana doesn't look particularly upset about the news that Smirking guy's daughter will die, talking about 'sacrifices'.

"I bet he'll see that Arthur isn't that bad, and he'll turn against Morgana!" Ro predicted as Smirking guy continued to look sad.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the snowy outreaches of… somewhere that most definitively is _not _in England! No glaciers in England!

And Arthur's just face-planted into the ground. I giggled at that. Does that make me a bad person?

Evil Scottish guy (maybe it is in Scotland then?) kicks Arthur and tells him to 'get up'. Sure, because kicking someone _always _helps them to stand up.

Merlin has stubble. Am I the only person who was slightly disconcerted by this fact? Merlin + Stubble just makes my brain break. I can't compute them together.

And Arthur winks at Merlin. That means he has a plan. His plans _do _tend to be more than slightly bad though. As it says in the last Harry Potter films 'We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose!'. He's also got a knife, which means he can cut himself free! Yay! That means that they'll escape, right? Maybe Mordred will help them escape. I hope so, I _really _like the new Mordred.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Gwen, and Gaius' awful hair (giggle). EPLI apologises, and she looks sincere too. I really hope Gwen gives her a reprieve, but I don't think she will though. Gwen does look sympathetic to EPLI though, even though she _does _say that there's nothing she can do to overturn the sentence (though I really don't think that's true. Also, Called it!)

I still don't think she'll die. Maybe her dad will come and rescue her, or Gwen will change her mind, she's too morally grey to die this early on in the series! And I still need her to kiss Merlin! Gaius (and his hair) disagrees with Gwen, trying to get Gwen to lower the sentence. Gwen says that she _won't _execute EPLI (yay!), she wants Ruadan (Smirking Guy/EPLI's father) to turn up to rescue EPLI. Apparently_ he's _the bad one, not EPLI.

He'd better come, because I now ship Seflin (Mefa? Sefin? Anyone got a better shipping name?). I used to be a Mergana shipper, but I've given up hope, even if I _do _love the idea.

~~Tangential!~~

And back to the unrealistic representation of England/Scotland/Wales/Somewhere in 'the time of myth'. Now I can't _unnotice _Merlin's stubble, ever! Merlin (being really cool and all) makes all the stuff fall off the cart in front, to cause a distraction. Evil Scottish Bandit comes over, and asks who did it. Merlin admits he did (it better be part of a plan, or I'll be disappointed in his intelligence.)

Evil Scottish Bandit draws out his sword, to kill Merlin (!).

And Arthur punches him in the face!

Then generally fighting happens. Merlin scares a horse (LIKE IN THE MERLIN SERIES 5 TRAILER! YAY!) and Merlin and Arthur grab weapons and run for their lives!

And they come across a crack in the snowy ground. That's a crevasse. I am _CERTAIN _that there are _NO _glaciers in the UK, and DEFINITELY no FLIPPING CREVASSES! Sigh. Maybe in this 'land of myth' they have them. Maybe all this snow is actually… Dragon poop or something, and the reason there aren't any crevasses anymore is because the Dragons died, and they didn't poo any more. A bit of wild mass guessing there though, but _you _try to explain it! Maybe a wizard did it.

Also, as I saw the trailer (and the crevasse jumping) I can guess what's going to happen. Arthur and Merlin will make it across (obviously, it's the _second episode of the series!_) But I bet you my socks _someone _is going to fall into the geographically-impossible crevasse.)

Merlin looks less than pleased about Arthur's plan.

**MERLIN – **You've got to be joking.

And Arthur runs (SLOW MOTION LEEEEAAAAP!) and gets across. Merlin still looks unpleased about Arthur's plan. But he runs too and another slow motion LEEEEAAAAP later, and he's on the other side. Mostly. He's sort of hanging onto the edge, but Arthur comes to his rescue, and then starts to shoot people with the stolen crossbow to stop them following him. That crossbow _will _run out of bolts eventually though.

One of them takes a slow motion LEEEEAAAAP across the crevasse, and makes it across (really wasn't expecting _that!_) but Arthur shoots him and he falls into the geographically-inaccurate crevasse with a scream.

Called it!

He falls in slow motion too. Cool

Merlin takes his axe and starts to swing it into the ground, trying to make it collapse, so no bandits can get across and kill them. Because that'd be baaaaad.

Then Mordred appears on the other side and Merlin uses his magic (finally!) to make the side break away. Arthur doesn't shoot Mordred, and they both turn away and leave. (Even though Mordred could just leap across _another _bit of the impossible crevasse. It's quite long.)

Merlin is angry at Arthur for sparing Mordred, and if we didn't see Merlin watch Mordred kill Arthur, I'd be surprised at Merlin's OOCness. They've swapped rolls. Normally Merlin has to stop Arthur killing people, but this time Arthur's explaining why he _didn't _kill people. I did want Merlin to shut up though, about this point.

**MERLIN – **You should've killed him!

I felt the urge to shake Merlin a bit, as even _oblivious Arthur _might notice that something's a bit different about Merlin.

**ARTHUR – **What is wrong with you?

Called it!

~~Tangential!~~

"Topless Gwaine!" We all sang quietly, as Gwaine awoke. Ow, poor Gwaine, he's got bruises everywhere.

Suddenly, the Indiana Jones alien speaks.

"He speaks in a funny way" El said, and Ab agreed.

It is slightly off putting, listening to him talk like that. He might be an alien, but still, I'd like to be able to take this scene _seriously. _I can't take that alien seriously.

**INDIANA JONES ALIEN – **You think kindness is the preserve of humans?

So he _is _an alien, right?

**INDIANA JONES ALIEN – **I am the last of my kind.

"Time lord!" Ro said, as he said this. Kilgarrah and Aithusa are the last of their kind too, and Merlin, and Morgana. Lots and lots of 'last of my kinds' on this show. Maybe there are just a lot of 'kinds' on this show.

~~Tangential!~~

Knights, I think Camelot's (Camelotian?) as they seem to be wearing red, not to mention the fact that they're not as bright as the average amoeba. They don't _notice _the guy (Smirking Guy) who was hiding RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! And he turns and follows their tracks back to the castle.

Gwen was right; he's going to rescue EPLI.

With a grappling hook.

I love this guy, and I feel slightly bad about calling him 'Smirking Guy' when he can use grappling hooks. And the knights _don't notice _the man _completely _contrasted against the white walls of the castle, right next to them! No wonder they die so often! That and the random Smirking Guys who spin round and KICK THEM HARD! WOO!

"They're not the brightest of the bunch" I observed, as a guard was easily distracted by a random coin rolling along the floor. "They're like 'Ooh! Shiny!' and they can't help themselves…"

"Where do they even _get _the knights from?" El asked, as _another _knight dies. They get through them quickly in Camelot. Who keeps applying for the job? The mortality rate can't be good…

"Maybe they have a massive room of them" Ro said, as Smirking Guy reached EPLI's cell.

A few magic words later, and they're out the cell, running away. And the alarm's sounded. That warning bell goes off almost _every episode! _Who's in charge of it? Because they must be _psychic _to sound it at the _exact _moment when someone escapes from the (_totally _secure) prisons. It's magic, isn't it?

Gwen's watching from her window, and Leon comes in.

"Leon!" I said cheerfully. He's my joint favourite knight, after Gwaine (he was topless all episode, you can't beat that!) All the knights go off after EPLI and Smirking Guy, but Elyan sees them. And then they're surrounded. One of the knights grabs EPLI, and _that _was probably not the best idea in the world.

"Not my daughter you BITCH!" I yelled at the TV, as Smirking Guy withdraws his sword. Cue laughter.

Epic sword fight! Dramatic music and all, before… the music stops! Smirking Guy's stabbed!

That's not good, I liked him :(

EPLI runs over.

"He's gonna use magic…" I said, as they have a hug.

**SMIRKING GUY –**_Bael Onbryne!_

Called it!

Fire appears between the two of them and the knights, as they make their escape.

"What's burning?" El asked, as the fire stays… all fire-y. "It's all stone floor, what's on fire?"

"It's magic." I said "Don't question it! It's _Magic!_"

Luckily, they make it out into the forest, and the dramatic music stops, so they must be safe (for now). I really don't think Smirking Guy's going to live. People who get stabbed _don't _live unless they're main characters. (Gwaine, Merlin, Arthur etc.) Hopefully this doesn't turn EPLI completely evil, as I still ship Seflin. Smirking Guy sends a message via crow (he has to because he's _evil!_). And then he dies, and EPLI has to leave his body. I feel really sorry for her, I want to give her a hug… Or better, make Merlin hug EPLI! Make her PLI again!

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana wakes up (again, this time minus the cute Dragon).

"Why hasn't she got covers on her?" Rosie asked "It's cold, and she's lying on top of the bed fully clothed! The place is surrounded by snow, she'd be cold!"

Maybe Morgana's a bit of an idiot.

The crow from earlier appears, and Morgana reads the message. Don't you love it how messages are always read in the voice of the person who wrote the letter? Even though the writer's dead?

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Merlin and Arthur! I think they're arriving at Minecraft tower, as they're complaining about how, well, tower-y the tower is. They're going have to climb up the sewer pipe or something to get in, aren't they? And poo's going to land on Merlin or Arthur's head. Just because.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Gaius. I can't take _any _scene with him in it seriously anymore, because of his straightened hair. Who straightened his hair anyway? Did he get Gwen to do it? Maybe they do make-up together and –BAD MENTAL IMAGE! BAD MENTAL IMAGE! *Goes to shove bleach up my nostrils in the hope of cleansing that memory from my brain forever. Shudder*

They've got Smirking Guy's body, and they've found a prayer on it, with runes which Gaius can read because Gaius can do more or less anything. And Gaius explains how the druids believe that a druid will kill Arthur.

Oh cra-

NOT MORDRED! I LOVE YOU MORDRED!

~~Tangential!~~

Talking of Mordred, the slaves and bandits are arriving at the castle, while Merlin and Arthur watch. Merlin says _another _stupid thing.

**MERLIN – **I told you – you should've killed him when you had the chance.

Arthur gives him a look which is like 'What's up with you Merlin?'. Merlin then asks how they're going to get in to which Arthur (ominously) replies to with "There's always a way Merlin".

And then they're climbing up a pipe, which I'm sure is a toilet pipe (Called it!) until stuff falls on Merlin's head which is vegetables, not poo. I _did _call stuff falling on his head though (Called it again!), but I didn't think it'd be carrots. What's that bad about carrots? I tell this to my fellow Merlinaphiles, causing El and Ro to start a long (and quite pedantic to be honest) conversation over purple carrots. Carrots were purple back in the day (back in Merlin's day), and the carrots on Merlin are orange. The discussion was continued for at least one scene, moving onto _enthralling _topics such a 'why we wanted orange carrots' and 'why aren't there any purple carrots nowadays'.

My friends are awesome.

Merlin and Arthur watch from a convenient balcony. Arthur says something, and Merlin gives him a look which just says 'what?'. They were hiding (somewhere?) and they sneak out and hide behind a flame. Then Arthur says this line.

**ARTHUR – **We'd better make sure we blend in.

"We're going to see topless Merlin!" Ab said happily "We're going to see topless Merlin and Arthur!"

Who else was way too happy about this news?

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana sees Mordred out the window, and comes down. Apparently she can recognise him, even though he's played by a _different _actor. The Evil Scottish Bandit's like "Look at me! Look at me!" (Not exact quote) but Morgana's all like "Cool it bro, I don't want to talk to you!" (Not even _close _to an exact quote.) She walks over to Mordred and is all like. "Mordred?" (That _is _an exact quote!) Aw.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to topless Percival (Ab seemed slightly too happy about this), he spins around as someone grabs his arm. It's Merlin and Arthur.

"Noooooooo! Dammit! They're not topless!" Ab said, and I agreed entirely. They were dressed as Bucket Men/Saxons, not topless people. *Sigh*.

Then the look of worry on Arthur's face when Percival says that he hasn't seen Gwaine for a few days. Aw! He then gives Percival his sword, and they go off on a Gwaine hunt!

"Why does Arthur need to give Percival his sword?" Ro asked "They have pick-axes, those can be used as weapons. What if Arthur needs to use his sword? He won't have one!"

Arthur doesn't think of that, as he's a bit of an idiot. *Sigh*.

Now they're in the cave Gwaine explored earlier. (Before being discovered)

"Please take off your tops! Please" Ab pleaded, but no luck. Merlin and Arthur kept their tops on. *Sigh*.

They wander about, as Percival holds a sword punches a guy and gives his sword to someone. The fight has begun! Topless men against Bucket Men/Saxons.

~~Tangential!~~

Mordred and Morgana are eating together, and once again I find it hard to hate Morgana completely when she's so… _nice _to Mordred. She sounds so relieved when she says that she feared that Mordred was dead. I feared he was dead too, since he hasn't been around for 2 or 3 series.

Morgana then throws a little fit when Mordred tells Morgana that Arthur escaped from them. Sheesh Morgana, take a chill pill.

**MORGANA – **I want his head on a pike and I want to see crows feast on his eyes.

Ew Morgana, this is still on pre-watershed, don't… _say _that. Ew. That's gross, you're _gross _Morgana!

I remember why I hate you now.

~~Tangential!~~

Indiana Jones alien and Topless Gwaine are back, and they can both see flickering light. Gwaine, not knowing that it's Arthur and Merlin, grabs a fire-pole (I honestly cannot remember their proper name. I'm _really _forgetful…) and prepares to attack the people approaching. He says that he won't let anyone harm the Indiana Jones Alien! He waits and…

SWING!

…And Arthur catches it easily. Gwaine, I thought you were better than this! Arthur and Gwaine share some banter as Merlin stares at Indiana Jones Alien, perhaps wondering 'Hang on, I signed up for _Merlin, _not Doctor Who…'.

"Call him Emrys!" Ro said "In front of Arthur and Gwaine! Call him Emrys!"

But sadly, he doesn't, and Indiana Jones Alien just scuttles away. How did he hide so well when he literally _glows in the dark?!_

Merlin keeps staring after him, and Arthur's pretty confused. (As usual.)

~~Tangential!~~

Percival and the other topless men, preparing to take out some Bucket Men/Saxons. They hide in caves and then…

SWING!

AND KICK!

AND SLICE!

AND KILL!

I can see why Ab loves Percival so much.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the Merlinator! I think they're doing escaping, but that doesn't normally work. They're walking up a cave which contains 'Mysterious Howling' according to the BBC's subtitles. I guessed last time that Aithusa was going to heal Gwaine but instead I think that Aithusa's _guarding the tunnel! _And that's what's going to attack the Questing Trio (Gwaine, Arthur and Merlin!) This is not going to end well.

And they see Aithusa and RUN LIKE FREAKING HELL! (Also, Called it!)

Aw, poor Merlin…

Did you see his face? He seemed so unhappy that Aithusa was attacking them. He should have just _called _Aithusa at some point in the 3 year gap! To check that she was OK! Why wasn't Kilgarrah watching Aithusa? Why didn't Merlin _ask _Kilgarrah about Aithusa?

Merlin, I'm disappointed in you.

Also, loved this quote.

**MERLIN – **I'll lure the dragon the other way.

**ARTHUR – **Merlin, I knew you were stupid, but not _that _stupid.

**MERLIN – **No, I really am that stupid, and if you don't believe me, watch!

*Runs away*

Hehehe! That was probably the funniest part this series! (Apart from Gaius' hair, but that really should go without saying.)

And then Arthur has to follow him. *facepalm*. _That's _going to end well, isn't it?

~~Tangential!~~

Topless men, and these two Bucket Men/Saxons appear, see the topless men, look at each other, and are like "Oh cra-" before Percival jumps at them.

He's so cool.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Merlin, who's on an Aithusa hunt! He sees her, and she keeps shooting fire at him. The look on Merlin's face. Luckily, he shields himself, and he doesn't die. (That'd suck). He uses his 'epic dragon voice' to stop Aithusa attacking him (because it makes him upset and disrupts their conversation). Luckily, it works.

Poor Aithusa.

And Merlin tries to get Aithusa to speak, but Aithusa can't. That makes Merlin looks so sad.

Then Arthur has to _ruin _everything, by calling for Merlin. Merlin tells Aithusa to go, but Aithusa doesn't, so Merlin has to use his 'epic dragon voice' to send Aithusa away. Aw, he looks close to tears. Aithusa leaves and Merlin goes back to Arthur.

Except Arthur finds Morgana first. He reaches for his sword but…

…he gave it to Percival. _Told _you he shouldn't have done that (called it). Mordred's behind her, doing some of Merlin's patented 'Pensive-Staring'.

Morgana uses a 'magic' dagger to stab Arthur, as they have a _lovely _conversation about stuff. It's lovely apart from when Morgana keeps stabbing Arthur. Mordred looks like he's coming to some kind of decision.

"He's going to save after" I said "He was a knight in the trailer, and to be a knight, he has to be trusted by Arthur. That means he's going to help Arthur escape, but without magic. Maybe he's going to stab Morgana or something.

**MORGANA – **Goodbye Arthur Pendragon.

"NOOOOOOOO! MERLIN! HELP HIM!"

And right on time, Merlin appears, shouting 'Arthur!' loudly. *Sigh*. Not the greatest idea ever. He just wanders in (looking like he arrived at the place by accident. He's not even _running!_). Morgana sends him flying into a wall, and Arthur gives a little yell of worry that makes me go 'aw' again. (I've been doing that a _lot _this episode. Way more than I was doing last episode anyway. It's all the bromance…

Morgana prepares to kill Arthur, and Merlin tries to use magic but he's got concussion of some kind (Oh cra-). Morgana knocks Arthur out as she prepares to stab him. I completely expected Merlin to use his magic and get into an epic magic fight with Morgana, but no, his vision is _still _too blurry.

Mordred stabs her.

I feel so sorry for Morgana, to be completely honest. She was stabbed by the _only _person she thought she could still trust. When she looks at Mordred, there's no _hate_ in her eyes, and no _anger _either. Just sadness and disbelief. And a helluva lot of betrayal. Poor, poor Morgana. No wonder she's evil. In her eyes, everyone she knows betrays her. Merlin, Uther, Arthur and now Mordred, the druid boy she rescued and saved the life of.

And Mordred helps Arthur up (leaving Merlin unconscious.)

~~Tangential!~~

Mordred wanders out of a cave carrying Arthur, where topless Gwaine and Percival wait.

And they walk out.

And they walk out.

_And they walk out._

_AND THEY WALK OUT!_

_**AND THEY WALK OUT?!**_

WHAT THE HELL! THEY JUST _ABANDONED _MERLIN? NO-ONE ASKED "WHERE'S MERLIN?" NO-ONE? NOT EVEN _GWAINE? _THEY JUST _ABANDON __**MERLIN?!**_

WHAT. _THE. __**HELL!**_

Takes a few seconds to calm down.

*deep breathes*

I was really expecting a bromance moment when Arthur awakes and is all like "Where's Merlin?" and they all go looking for Merlin, or maybe even just _Gwaine _asking "Where's Merlin?" but _noooooooo, _they just abandon him in the creepy caves that are swarming with Bucket Men/Saxons. They _abandon _Merlin! MERLIN! _MY _MERLIN!

I am incredibly peeved about that, and _will _be writing a fanfiction soon about what _should _have happened.

I mean honestly, would _Gwaine, _as in 'you're-my-only-friend' Gwaine not _care _whether Merlin's OK? I'm going to blame this on the alien. The alien made him forget Merlin for a bit so he had some time to have a nice chat about Merlin. Percival was just suffering from hypothermia from wearing a sleeveless piece of armour while in (geographically inaccurate) snowy area in winter. Arthur was unconscious, so he has some excuse.

*GAH!*

~~Tangential!~~

And Merlin wakes up to the Indiana Jones Alien.

"He's the Key!" Ab said, though I think we _all _knew that.

**INDIANA JONES ALIEN – **Emrys…

CALLED IT!

We were all waiting for it to say that! :)

They chat about the key (Diamair?), and about how Morgana never found it. And why?

**MERLIN – **Because it is you.

CALLED IT AGAIN! (I'm on a roll!)

Then again, it was slightly obvious, wasn't it?

**MERLIN – **You are the key to all knowledge.

Hang on one second…

Indiana Jones and the weird alien film, at the end, the woman asks for something from the aliens, doesn't she? 'All knowledge', if I remember correctly. (It does explode her head though).

Merlin alien – Key to all knowledge.

Indiana Jones alien – Can give all knowledge.

CALLED IT! THEY ARE ONE AND THE SAME! THE MERLIN ALIEN _IS _THE INDIANA JONES ALIEN!

(I really need to stop over using the Caps Lock button, don't I?).

**INDIANA JONES ALIEN – **It is both a blessing…

**ALL WATCHERS AND THE ALIEN - **…And a curse.

We all knew he was going to say that, didn't we?

Merlin doesn't ask for any information, because he knows what will happen (Dragons, death, fire, explosions, more death, aliens, apocalypses, fire again, even more death.) Then he goes and ruins it by asking who Arthur's bane is.

*facepalm*

**MERLIN – **If Mordred is not Arthur's bane then who is?

**ME – **Merlin? I always thought the description of Merlin's bane seemed really similar to the description of Merlin…

**INDIANA JONES ALIEN – **Himself.

O_o

Didn't see _that _coming.

~~Tangential!~~

And Mordred's being knighted. I was really hoping for a bromance scene with Arthur and Merlin, with Arthur thinking that Merlin was dead, and then Merlin being all like "I'm not dead! Were you worried about me?" And then Arthur denying it fervently. But no, no bromance scene. :(

Mordred is knighted. (Even though Arthur knows that Mordred is a druid, and probably has magic.)

He leaves, and meets Merlin.

"Merlin! Be nice to him!" I warned him.

**MERLIN – **You know, if Arthur knew you had magic, thing would be very different.

**EL AND AB – **Same for you.

Then Mordred's all like "LOVE FTW! DOWN WITH DE EVILZ!" (Not exact wording. Shockingly.)

And Merlin smiles (sort of) at Mordred. That means they're OK with each other, right?

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius is back (and his stupid hair *snort*)

And he has pudding.

**MERLIN – **Is there pudding?

**ME – **Nope! The cake is a lie!

Portal reference and overused meme FTW!

Gaius and Merlin have a discussion about people changing, and they discuss Mordred's future.

I really hope they give Mordred the benefit of the doubt, because Mordred's hair is way too nice to be on the head of an evil guy. I _really _hope the prophecy was taken out of context or something.

Then Merlin says an epic line!

**MERLIN – **Albion's great trial has begun.

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana and Aithusa trekking through the (INACCURATE!) snow, while the dramatic music increases in volume.

Then…

* * *

**'HUAH'**

**'MERLIN!'**

**NEXT TIME!**

The slow head turn from the SERIES 5 TRAILER! :O. A trumpet of death, which can summon the spirits of the dead! (That sounds like a _really _bad idea…) Someone attacks Gwen (EPLI?) Someone attacks Merlin (Morgana?) CHANDELIER DROP FROM THE MERLIN SERIES 5 TRAILER! :O!

**ARTHUR – **I know it's you father.

… And Uther's back. Just what we _all _wanted. *sigh*.

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 13. (25 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 6.**

**Predictions that came true: Gwaine **_**was **_**topless. EPLI was **_**not **_**killed, Gwaine and Percival **_**did **_**escape and Mordred **_**did **_**join them. Smirking Guy **_**did **_**die.**

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: Merlin did **_**not **_**get a hug. They did **_**not **_**laugh at Gaius' hair (though I did.)**

**Predictions for next episode: Uther will return from the 'dead'. But not properly, as no magic can raise the dead. (I think the same rules from Harry Potter apply, right?) Arthur will use the trumpet, and 'Uther' (I don't think it'll be real Uther though) will make him do bad things. Arthur will have to destroy 'Uther', and Merlin and Arthur WILL have a bromance moment. :(**

**EPLI will be dragging Gwen, and Morgana will be attacking Merlin. Oh, and Merlin will ask Gaius. "Who the hell cut **_**your **_**hair? And did you **_**have **_**to ask a blind man with no style to do it?"**

* * *

See you again soon! The next update WILL be late, as I have Mandarin exchange students here on Saturday. It might be on Sunday or Monday, but not Saturday, sadly. Until then! Keep laughing at Gaius' hair, and keep on reviewing!


	3. The Death Song of Uther Pendragon

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't be able to update until Sunday, but then I thought… what the heck! Merlin anything! Who needs a decent night's sleep when you have caffeine? Nobody! That's who! My mandarin exchanges (yes, two of them) are generally quite awesome, though they don't know about Merlin, so I'm watching it on my lonesome tonight! On the plus side, I learnt how to say/write 'Merlin' in mandarin! It's 'Mei Lin' or '梅林'. Booyah! Also, you know last week I complained _massively _about Merlin being _abandoned _in that cave *dark mutterings*, so this time, I decided to put that wrong right! Guess who wrote a fic about it? Me! That's who! Let's see if Arthur abandons Merlin _this _time, and he'll get more than just _shouted at _by fanfiction Merlin. (The fic's called 'You were gone?')

Next week's will _definitely _be late, due to me being overseas in New York! I've never been to America before, but I'll be able to the next chapter will be up on Friday/Saturday. _That _means that there might be 2 in one day! :O

Until then, I leave you with this fic!

I actually saw bits of this before I watched it properly, as I was at a party. The word 'party' is used loosely here, as I was dragged along by my exchanges, and spent the whole time hiding in the toilet/trying _not_to watch small bits of Merlin/Reading Doctor Who magazines on the toilet. Not my favourite hour of my life. Anti-social geeks should _never _go to parties with normal people. Ever.

Anyway, I'm watching it now, and that's what matters!

Onwards!

* * *

**Last time – **Awkward times as CERTAIN PRATS left Merlin in a cave full of dragons (well, one of them), Saxons and angry Morganas. Yes, I _know _the Dragon wouldn't have attacked Merlin, but Arthur didn't know that! Mordred turned up, with a totally cool haircut, and stabbed Morgana. He's a knight now, but he's _too _morally grey, I can't tell whether I hate him or not! Then Sefa escaped (EPLI), and more moral ambiguity ensued. I still _completely _ship Seflin, so I think she's not too evil! I hope… That was really about it.

This time I muttered the intro under my breath as I was watching it alone at my computer. My family all looked at me oddly when I did this, but I DON'T CARE! I'M AWESOME, MERLIN'S AWESOME SO POO-POO TO YOU!

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

No 'last time' this time, because it wasn't a two part episode. I think I prefer normal episodes, because I don't have to wait to find out what will happen next!

Trees. Yay! I love trees! Trees are lovely and tree-y! That normally means a hunting trip though, and we all know how well _those _turn out on Merlin. Wonderfully. (Has one ever ended _without _them discovering a murderous creature/being kidnapped/being injured? I don't think so! They're death traps!). This time, _just _Merlin and Arthur are hunting, which is cool, because they're both epic!

**MERLIN – **You're still angry with me, aren't you?

What has Merlin done this time? Ah, it turns out he's been saving cute bunnies from Arthur's wrath! Also, he fell in a stream (did he take his shirt off afterwards? – Sorry, just channelling my inner Ab).

And then someone screams. Because we can't have _any _bromance on this show anymore. *Sigh*. I bet somebody's being killed. Again. And it's a women screaming. A woman in distress. It's not like they've ever found one of _those _before in a forest *cough*Nimueh*cough* *cough*Lamia*cough* *cough*Gwen*cough*. Hey! Don't look at me like that! I'm catching Merlin's cold! Sheesh, people these days.

It's a women being led to a fire. Bet she's a sorcerer, because that's what fires are for! Yay! Arthur interrupts the burning and is generally quite epic.

**ARTHUR – **I am Arthur Pendragon, King of Camelot, and your village is in my lands.

(Translation – I _OWN _YOU SUCKAS!)

**BEARDY GUY – **Her sorcery – CALLED IT – has brought sickness and suffering to this village.

Merlin's face during this, he's like :o. Poor Merlin. Arthur's like 'I STILL OWN YOU SUCKAS!' and tries to get them to get the woman down. Beardy Guy's like 'HELL NO!', and pulls out his sword. Bad idea, Arthur's epic. He pulls out a sword and is all like 'WEREN'T YOU LISTENING! I _**OWN **_YOU SUCKAS! _**SUCKAS!'**_

Then a cut scene. Pre-song actually, which is quite unusual. Insert Tangentialness here!

~~Tangential!~~

Fire at night! Merlin's being epic now instead, trying to heal the woman, who is pretty wrinkly. According to Merlin she won't live through the night (and Merlin's awesome as well as always right so this IS true.) Then suddenly she LEAPS OUT AT ARTHUR AND GIVES HIM A HUG! OK, not true, she grabs Arthur's wrist slightly, that's what I wanted to do to Arthur.

**WITCHY WOMAN – **I have a gift for you! (That exclamation mark makes her sound much more enthusiastic than she actually _was _during this scene…)

**ME – **Nooooooooo don't take it! It'll only create a series of events that accumulate and cause Merlin to use magic (almost) under your nose, so that us fangirls will get all tense and fangirl-y!

**MY FAMILY – **O_o

Arthur, being deaf and all, can't be asked to do any of this, and just accepts the gifts. Greedy Arthur. It's a pipe thingy! Of course, it can't _just _be a 'pipe thingy' it has to have some other power.

**WITCHY WOMAN – **It has the power to summon the spirits of the dead.

CALLED IT!

Arthur looks at her like 'WTH?' and Merlin's all like 'Ooooh crap…'

Then she dies. Convenient. What was it I called it last time? Convenientitus. It spreads like a plague in places like Camelot. They really need to do something about it *tuts*.

**WITCHY WOMAN - ***Dies*

**MERLIN - ***Looks at Arthur dramatically*

**MUSIC – **DahdahDAH daDahdahDAH DAHDAHDAHDAH!'

**ARTHUR - ***Ooh! Shiny!*

**THEME SONG – **Dodada, dah dadada dah, dah dadada dah DAH! And so on…

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is stroking his imaginary beard, looking pensive. (Borrowing Merlin's 'Pensive-Staring™). Camera move to Gaius *giggles*. Sorry, I _still _can't get over his stupid hair, and I don't think he ever will. He's fingering Arthur's pipe thingy. GAH! NOT LIKE THAT! BAD! MENTAL! IMAGES! *Shudders*.

I took a few minutes to shove bleach into my ears in an effort to remove these images from my brain. It didn't work. Gaius tells Merlin and Arthur everything they need to know (because honestly, that's all that Gaius does. Is it really, _really _wrong that I hate Gaius? I don't know why I do, but I've always had the sneaking suspicion that he was evil…)

According to Gaius, Arthur's pipe thingy (*Immature snort of laughter*) is old and magical! And shiny too, and it looks really pretty! Oh, and it can summon the dead and all. Gaius saw it, so it has to be true!

**GAIUS – **You must keep it safe.

*Snort*. In Camelot? The most broken into city on the whole planet? You've got to be kidding me. If you put it in the 'highly secured vaults' it'll be stolen in about 5 minutes by Dragon-wanters and Morganas alike! Just burn it. This normally solves all my problems. When in doubt? Fire. It's literally the answer to all questions.

**AB – **Hey Em, have you seen my new watch?

**ME – **Set it on fire now!

**RO – **Em, I didn't do my homework for Mr Voldemort, what should I do?!

**ME – **Kill him with Fire (after killing his Horcruxes with fire first, obviously.)

**EL – **Em, here's your birthday present.

**ME – **KILL IT WITH FIRE!

**EL - ***Odd look* It's only a picture of Gaius.

**ME – **KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS.

**EL – ***Backs away slowly*

Anyway, back to the actual episode, I must stop these Tangents, though these chapters would be a lot shorter if I did. As well as a lot less Tangential, which would sort of ruin the whole title…

Merlin gives Arthur a Pensive-Stare™ while Arthur does some more Pensive-Staring™ of his own.

~~Tangential!~~

A feast! Someone's going to try to kill Arthur (because that's seriously all that happens at feasts, barring new knights appearing to challenge Arthur to fights to the death.) Arthur is _still _doing Pensive-Staring™ and Elyan has noticed (all he's done so far this series has looked at Gwen like 'WTH' when she sentenced someone to death, and my prediction didn't even come true.) He tells Mordred that Arthur's always like that on the anniversary of his coronation. So that's what _this _feast is about at the moment.

**MORDRED – **I thought it wa a cause for celebration?

**ME – **Yah, it is, but Arthur's a party pooper!

**ELYAN – **It is. But it's also the anniversary of Uther's death.

**ME – **And that too!

Did you know that Uther rhymes with pooper? And doofer, and loofah! That would have been an awesome nickname.

**UTHER – **My name is Uther 'The Loofah' Pendragon, and in every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the witches, the sorceress, and the forces of magic. She is the ARTHUR!

That made _so _much more sense in my head.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur's at Uther's grave (because he's emo like that) and it's pretty obvious what will happen next. Arthur will have a nice chat with Uther's grave (sort of pointless, as Uther's dead and all, and not the best conversational partner) and then he'll use his pipe thingy *immature giggle* and resurrect Uther, and Kitty O will be happy! (Kitty O loves Uther. Read her fanfictions, they're all epic!)

**ARTHUR - …**

Really? No talking to the dead body? What the hell has happened to the nice, predictable Merlin TV show that I remember? Maybe Arthur's _trying _to speak, but he's mute as well as deaf and blind. He's really running out of senses here…

**ARTHUR - …**

~~Tangential!~~

What? New scene? WHAT IS GOING ON? Arthur's playing with his pipe thingy *snort* and doing _even MORE _Pensive-Staring™. That's _way _too many times in one episode, like how last episode was filled with 'aws'.

There's a knock at the door (probably Merlin) and Arthur does the only rational thing he can think of.

He throws apples at the door.

O_o.

What.

The.

Hell?

Hopefully there's a reason for this, as I don't think that Arthur's just having a pointless temper tantrum. What the hell though! That was a waste of perfectly good food! Think how many hobbits died laying those apples! Think of the hobbits! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE HOBBITS!? I'll admit it, I have _no_ idea how apples work.

Merlin come in and is all like: O_o (we think alike! :D). After all, the duller (possibly dented) other side of his coin _has _just gone insane and chucked apples on the floor.

**MERLIN – **What're you doing?

Exactly what we're all thinking Merlin.

**ARTHUR – **Nothing. Thinking.

**ME - ***Snort* Did you feel threatened by the apples superior ability at thinking? Is _that _why you threw them?

And the apples are promptly forgotten about. Like Merlin the previous episode (no, I am _not _over that, and I will _never _be over that fact. _EVER!_) Merlin goes to turn over the empty bowl of apples, and Arthur disapproves of Merlin's intentions. Ah! I get it now! Arthur's hiding his pipe thingy from Merlin *hysterical giggle of laughter* under that bowl! That scene makes (slightly) more sense now!

Arthur keeps telling Merlin to get off his bowl, and Merlin is _far _too complacent about this, and then HE LEAPS! He dives for the bowl, but Arthur's too quick. AIN'T NOBODY GETTING HIS PIPE THINGY!

And now they're going on Holiday! Yay! And Merlin's being threatened with a spoon. Again, Arthur _definitely _has problems. Throwing apples when he could have just hidden his pipe thingy *suppressed laughter* under his clothes? Being jealous of apples? Threatening Merlin with a spoon?

**MERLIN – **You're threating me with a spoon?

HA! MERLIN STOLE MY JOKE! DAMN YOU!

(Called it!)

Slap sound. (That's not nice. Also, I'm going to track down Arthur and hit him for that. Just like I wanted to when certain prats abandoned certain warlocks in certain caves.)

~~Tangential!~~

Horsies! (I don't actually like them, they make me sneeze).

**MERLIN – **I'm getting a very bad feeling about this place.

That means you should leave. When Merlin gets a bad feeling, you should leave. Remember the druid boy ghost-thingy? The valley of the kings, ANYTHING RINGING A BELL ARTHUR?

Pan zoom to… Stonehenge! Cool! I was wondering if they'd ever be in an episode of Merlin, they're pretty old. Probably one of the few things around today that could have been around during Merlin-time. Arthur removes his pipe thingy from the bag, and Merlin asks a pretty stupid question.

**MERLIN – **You're going to use it?

_No _Merlin, he's going to dance around playing 'Yakety Sax' on it. Use your _brain!_

**ARTHUR – **This will be the only chance I have to see my father again. I can't let it pass.

Hey! Merlin lost his father too! Wow, wonder if this episode will draw further on the fact that both their fathers are dead (though Arthur doesn't know it.)

**ARTHUR – **My father was taken from me before his time. Now, there isn't a day that passes when I don't think of the things I wish I'd said to him.

Wow. Just… wow. Merlin could have said all those things too. Poor Merlin. (Would it ruin the moment if I added 'Called it' here? Probably, but too late!)

**ARTHUR – **If you were given the same chance to see your father, talk to him. Wouldn't you do the same?

**ME – **YES MERLIN! DO THAT! Punch Arthur and steal his pipe thingy! (*snort*) Then you can see your father and I can go 'aw' a lot. Do it! Do it! Do it!

**MERLIN – ***Doesn't do it*

Also, he nods, and he totally could have stolen the pipe thingy and done it. Maybe he got a bad night's sleep and so can't think that clearly.

Arthur walks into Stonehenge and puts the pipe thingy to his lips (*giggle*).

Note to self: This will not end well.

WHITENESS!

~~Tangential!~~

AND SCENE FROM THE TRAILER! :D (In my head, the words 'No-one's gonna take me alive!' are playing). And suddenly, a wild Uther emerges!

And he's got stupid hair. How the ruddy hell did Gaius manage to get into the nether world to give Uther hairstyling tips? This is just adding more weight to my secret theory that Gaius is actually evil. I'll be prosecuting at the end of this series.

Within a few seconds of chit-chat, Uther's doing what Uther does best – telling Arthur that he's a bad ruler, and should follow his rule better. *Sigh*. What did I say about this not ending well?

**UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' – **You have allowed common men to become knights.

**ME – **AND THEY'RE PRETTY DAMN GOOD KNIGHTS TOO! AND THEY LOOK DAMN GOOD TOPLESS!

Uther 'The Loofah' disagrees with Arthur, and begins to make Arthur feel like a bit of an idiot. For the wrong reasons too. Arthur actually fights back against Uther 'The Loofah' unlike during _any _other episodes, which is good, because Uther 'The Loofah' is a prat, and Arthur isn't. Well, most of the time. Every other Tuesday. OK, there was that _one _time…

I have no more time to consider this, as Uther 'The Loofah' is busy saying that Arthur shouldn't have married Gwen. How long was it until _that _came up? I was betting it was the first thing Uther 'The Loofah' said, but other things came up first. Arthur's says 'I love dat girl! And you can't do nuthin' about it, cause YOU IS DEAD, SUCKA!'. Sadly, he only said _that _in my imagination. Uther 'The Loofah' says that some things are more important than love. That is true. Watching Merlin on TV is more important than love.

I used to have a life, but, you know, that was before Merlin fanfiction and all.

Then Uther 'The Loofah' is RUDE to Arthur, and turns away (Yay!). Aw. Poor Arthur. He's been told he was a failure by his own FATHER! When he just broke the law to SPEAK WITH HIM! Uther 'The Loofah' is a poop.

**UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' – **Now Go.

**ME – **OH NOW GO! WALK OUT THE DOOR! JUST TURN AROUND NOW! CAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANY MORE!

Also, who noticed how creepy his 'Now go' was? It was less 'Now go' and more Nawh Goooeeeee.

Arthur should have given his pipe thingy to Merlin, Balinor would have been so much nicer to Merlin that Uther 'The Loofah' is/was to Arthur.

~~Tangential!~~

WHITENESS.

Back at Stonehenge, and Arthur's all sad. Merlin says 'Arthur?'

~~Tangential!~~

Wow. That was a short scene. Now they're at a fire, and Arthur is doing much Pensive-Staring™ into the fire, while Merlin looks on in bemusement. Arthur is doubting his abilities, and Merlin helps (though still calls him an arrogant ass in the process). Arthur takes a few seconds to realise what Merlin says this time, and doesn't throw anything at him. :O

~~Tangential!~~

Wow. Are the scenes _really _getting shorter, or am I just getting lazier and writing less for each one? I think it might be the latter. Round table time, and Leon the never-dead is talking about things I really don't understand. And it's _really _boring. Something better happen, and fast.

BOKEMR +\rgvcpv oyrtbv \fvehgRGE gtbvukdló

That was a graphical representation of how I jumped when the doors blew open. (I'm listening on my own, in the dark, at night! Cut me some slack!). Everyone's face is like :O or O_O.

Silence. Something's going to haaaaaappen! It's too quiet.

Leon starts talking and CRASH! Called it! As soon as Leon talks, things break, and it's A SCENE FROM THE TRAILER! The chandelier falls from the ceiling onto the round table.

Maybe the person doing this (bet it's Uther 'The Loofah') really wants Leon to shut up. That's rude of him, just ask politely.

Everyone jumps a bit.

~~Tangential!~~

How is no-one suspicious about two _obviously magical _things occurring? It kinda makes me miss Uther 'The Loofah', as he'd already be shouting about sorcery. *Sigh* Camelot is full to the brim with idiots, is it not?

Suddenly, eerie whistling! I bet it's Uther's ghost. And now the candles are going out. Joy.

~~Tangential!~~

Rain. Wow. When has it _ever _rained in Camelot before? Ever? Seriously, how do the crops grow there? I can honestly not think of a _single _episode of Merlin where it has rained, and it's raining at the moment, outside my window! For you non-brits, in the UK it rains a lot. It would take a lot of luck for all of your important things to happen when it was dry. If it was in the UK there would be a lot more chasing dragons while trying not to get completely soaking wet.

Gwaine time! He asks Percival why he takes so long to change (even though he's wearing half the armour). Percival is a pretty epic knight, but something's _obviously _going to happen to him, because he's all on his own. *Sigh*

Also, no background music, just ominous clattering.

NO! DON'T GO _AFTER _AND IN THE _DIRECTION _OF THE OMINOUS CLATTERING!

Luckily a shield falls off the wall.

**PERCIVAL – **Is there someone there?

Nah Percival, it's magical pixies. What do you _think?_

More eerie whistling. Seriously, just get out of there. And then an axe FLIES across the room into Percival. Called it!

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius and his awful hair are back! Percival's got a wound from the axe, and Merlin's suspicious. That normally means DETECTIVE MERLIN TIME! I've missed him! There wasn't any detecting stuff recently, unlike in Series 1 or 2, where it happened alarmingly often.

~~Tangential!~~

Percival again. He's going to get hurt again, isn't he? As if on cue, eerie whistling appears. Profile view of Percival. HOLY HELL HE'S MUSCLY! He turns away again, and luckily, nothing happens to him.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin and Gaius. Gaius says that Merlin isn't telling him something (which is true, the whole ARTHUR BROUGHT HIS FATHER BACK FROM THE DEAD, AND NOW HE'S TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE! Problem.) Merlin doesn't tell Gaius, even though Gaius is one of the few people on the planet who could solve the problem. Gaius knows everything, even if I think he's evil.

A few second's silence.

**MERLIN – **We went to the stones of Nemeton.

**GAIUS – **Merlin! I warned you of the dangers…!

**MERLIN – **I tried to stop him! (Doesn't he always?)

Merlin spills all his secrets to Gaius (and his fluffy hairdon't), telling Gaius about the 'presence' he'd felt. Gaius tells Merlin that the people who raised the dead needed to be trained (Damn. Arthur wasn't, was he?), and that they must _never _look back at the spirit.

*FURIOUS REWINDING*

AHA! Arthur _did _look back at the spirit. THEY'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

…And Arthur's released Uther 'The Loofah' back into the world as a spirit. Well, at least Kitty O will be happy. Merlin… not so much.

(Knew it was Uther's ghost! Called it!)

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin informs Arthur of his stupidity.

**MERLIN – **Did you look back.

**ARTHUR - ***Wears a look that says: oooooh crap…*

**MERLIN – **As the veil closed did you look back at your father?

Arthur's expression turns into an expression of 'OH CRAP!', in caps locks. That's probably a yes then. He keeps on denying that his father's spirit is the cause of all these things. Merlin tries to convince him, but Arthur's a bit of a pratty idiot.

**ARTHUR – **Do you really expect me to believe that my father's spirit is responsible for these things?

**ME - ***Snort* You've believed stupider things. *Cough*Dragonstabkilldead*Cough*.

Merlin keeps on pressing the matter, which makes Arthur angry. Arthur tells Merlin to leave. Merlin does so, after Arthur says 'go' again.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen walking on her own at night. This'll end well, won't it? Bet you Merlin's-imaginary-beard that she's attacked by Uther 'The Loofah' on her way back.

And there are ominous thuddings and whistlings and cracklings. Yup, something's going to happen. Now EVERYTHING is rattling! EVERYTHING! RUN GWEN, RUN!

And she actually does. Wow. Someone actually listens to me.

Suddenly! Screaming!

Something (Uther 'The Loofah' as a ghost) grabs Gwen and starts dragging her about, probably trying to kill her. That's really not that nice. It must be so creepy being dragged by something invisible. I mean, something invisible might be standing behind you right now, watching you read this…

Did you look?

I did.

Gwen keeps on running, and stuff keeps chucking itself at Gwen (Uther 'The Loofah' has a bad aim, that's for sure). A spear launches itself at Gwen, and she manages to get through a door and slam it shut just in time, leaving it stuck in the door. *Backs away slowly*. I don't think backing away work for ghosts.

You think everything's OK, when SUDDENLY, SCREAMING!

More stuff is getting chucked at her, and this time, something hits her and knock her out.

And this time, Uther 'The Loofah' sets the room on fire too.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin sees smoke, and runs towards it. He also uses magic to unlock the door. Uther 'The Loofah' must be able to lock doors with his mind. Isn't that some form of magic? Would he have to burn himself on the stake? How would that work? Merlin sees Gwen and runs over to her, picking her up and taking her out of the room which is on fire. (Fire, the solution to, and cause of, most problems.)

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Gaius' hair. Merlin's _still _trying to convince Arthur that Uther 'The Loofah' is doing all this. It's pretty obvious though, nobody likes fire as much as Uther (except maybe me.) Gwen will get better eventually (yay!), and Merlin managed to save her (Yay!). Again, I expected a bromance moment where Arthur thanks Merlin for saving Gwen's life. Sadly, there is not enough bromance in Merlin at the moment, and Arthur instead asks about ghosts.

Gaius says some stuff, but it basically amounts to this one sentence.

Blow you pipe thingy, we'll do an exorcism.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is doing some Pensive-Staring™ again (again?!) at his shiny pipe thingy (I just made every scene with that pipe ruined now. Sorry.) Then there's a BANG/CLATTER sound, which turns out to be Merlin. Arthur jumps, and then is all like 'you're lucky I don't get scared easily.'

Suuuure you don't scare easily. Suuuure…

Merlin agrees with me, and is picking up the stuff he dropped. Then there's a small thud in the distance. Merlin stares off in the direction for some time, but Arthur says that he's imagining it.

He's not, is he? It's going to be a false alarm though, just like the Dorocha/curtain scare from 4:01. Merlin ignores it though, and the rattling becomes quite loud. Arthur doesn't think it's Merlin's imagination this time. Merlin asks what they should do. What _do _you do to stop a ghost attacking you? Scream?

Arthur approaches the door and calls Merlin over, and they do some sign language things that I _really _don't understand. What I _do _understand is that Merlin kicks the door open and looks epic. Oh, and there's a RAT again. False alarm (so I called it!) GO RUNNING GAG, GO! LEAVE THIS PLACE! I love that rat, though I don't think it's the same one. Ah, rat, Merlin's Running gag. They turn away and…

SUDDENLY, GAIUS!

They jump, probably because they saw his haircut *shudder*. How did he get there that quietly? Is this further proof to my Gaius-is-evil theory?

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius has a magic potion which means that they'll be able to see Uther 'The Loofah' as a ghost. When Arthur sees his dear old dad again, he has to blow the horn to send UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' BACK TO THE SPIRIT WORLD FROM WHENCE IT CAME! Anyway. Also, the drink _might _be dangerous. Lovely, reassuring Gaius.

Merlin goes to drink his, but Arthur doesn't. Merlin stops and asks what he's waiting for, and Arthur says this.

**ARTHUR – **To see if it's safe.

**MERLIN – **So if I don't die, you'll take yours?

Who's getting flashbacks to Labyrinth of Gedref? I loved that episode so much! Apart from the ending, and how the unicorn lived, so ZOMG, everything is perfect now!111!1111 A bit too cheesy for my liking. Also, that 'beautiful' unicorn... It was a bit lacking in the looks department, truth be told.

Also, the potion tastes like Dragon piss.

~~Tangential!~~

They're a-looking for Uther's ghost in the dungeons, because the Dungeons is _always _the best place to look for something scary. _Always._ Merlin thinks that he sees something, but nope, it's just his shadow. *Facepalm*.

Arthur hits Merlin, and I make a mental note to teleport into the TV ASAP and knee Arthur in the balls. He won't be having any grandchildren soon, that's for sure…

They walk (with only one torch for the two of them, idiots.)

Suddenly, whistling fills the area (wind whistling, not 'I'm a little birdy' whistling). The door moves to open and… it's LEON! YAY! I'm going to go have a little Leon party now.

CELEBRATION TIME, COME ON! OH YEAH!

Also, this wonderful exchange between the three of them.

**LEON – **Arthur. Merlin.

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN – **Leon.

Awkwardness as Arthur tries to explain what the hell they are doing wandering the dungeons at night, alone, and with a fire-stick. Arthur says that they're… Merlin, tell Leon what we're doing.

COP OUT!

Merlin says he's teaching Arthur poetry.

HA! Please make Arthur fake some poetry! PLEASE!

Revenge is sweet…

SUDDENLY, UTHER 'THE LOOFAH'!

They sneak after him, and Merlin and Arthur have a nice heart to heart about whether Arthur's a good king or not (answer, he is) and about whether it matters that Arthur's father doesn't believe in him. You don't need your father to believe in you Arthur! Always believe in yourself! You're indestructible…

Random singing over.

I think they'll split up, because they're idiot, and that's what idiots do.

And a second later, they've split up. *Facepalm*. Called it though!

Merlin opens a door and enters the storeroom, where he's _obviously _going to get cornered by Uther 'The Loofah'.

AND JUMP IN FEAR. Nope, it was a pigeon. Seriously. How did the pigeon get in the dungeons? Now it's actually Uther 'The Loofah', and he's trying pretty darn hard to kill Merlin. Why? No idea. The knights and Gwen I can understand, but Merlin? Merlin's always forgotten about (sometimes in caves *glares at Arthur*) Merlin yells for Arthur to send Uther 'The Loofah' back to WHENCE HE CAME!

Arthur doesn't run for some reason (I told you he was deaf) and keeps on a-walking. CRASH! Footsteps too, which are pretty obviously Uther 'The Loofah'. AND HE'S BEHIND you RUFHS tegh!

That was my fear talking. Sorry. Arthur's got his pipe thingy clutched tightly in one hand, and is chasing after Uther 'The Loofah' as a ghost, which is a damn sight harder than it looks, as far as it seems. And now he's locked in the throne room, so they can have a nice chit chat over tea and biscuits.

And Uther 'The Loofah' tells Arthur he's an idiot, and that he was right to kill Gwen. Arthur disagrees, and says that Uther's wrong. Uther says that he will not allow Arthur to do this.

**ARTHUR – **Then you'll have to kill me.

**UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' - …**

Would Uther kill Arthur? I think not.

**UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' – **Camelot must come first before all else. Even you.

…or not.

And Arthur is knocked out by a shield.

WHICH MEANS IT'S MERLIN TIME BITCHES!

~~Tangential!~~

Uther 'The Loofah' steps forward, but Merlin appears, being generally quite epic, telling Uther where he can stick his Loofah! Uther is not overly pleased about this.

**UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' – **You think you can drive me from it? You are nothing but a serving boy!

**MERLIN – **I am much more than that.

REVEAL TIME. *Fangirl squealing spreads across the world*

MAGICNESS OCCURS!

Uther 'The Loofah' does not take this well, and attempts to kill Merlin, after a pretty epic speech, where Merlin says what many fanfictions say he'd say to Arthur if his secret came out. I was jumping up and down with excitement at this point, as I've been waiting for a reveal for ages.

And Merlin gets to STICK IT TO DA MAN!

Wow, apparently you can send ghosts flying against walls. Nice to know, for future reference.

But now, Uther 'The Loofah' has vanished… and that can't be good.

It isn't, as he turns up behind Merlin and sends two spears flying at him, LIKE THE SCENE FROM THE TRAILER! HEHEHEHEHE *fangirling*. That scene was epic! All we need now is for Arthur to turn up and have to choose between the two of them.

AND HE DOES APPEAR!

And Arthur raises the pipe…

UTHER 'THE LOOFAH' SAYS THIS!

MERLIN.

HAS.

…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

DAMN IT WRITERS! SO CLOSE! SO VERY CLOSE!

BUT IT'S TOO LATE, ARTHUR HAS ALREADY BLOWN HIS PIPE THINGY (giggle). A SECOND TOO LATE! DAAAAAAMN!

Poor Arthur, killing (sort of) his father.

~~Tangential!~~

The rain's stopped, and Merlin and Arthur are having a chat. Arthur repeats himself from Series 3 (or 4?) ending episodes, talking about how everyone should be respected, regardless of their position in life.

**MERLIN – **Does that include me?

HELL YEAH! I've always wondered about how Arthur says that and continues to treat Merlin like crap. YOU GO MERLIN!

**ARTHUR – **Of course.

Really. _Really? _That's why you throw things at him and hit him (grumble)

**MERLIN – **So does that mean you're not going to hit me anymore?

HA! Merlin said it too! He agrees with me, so I'm RIGHT!

Arthur says that those weren't 'hittings' and that they were 'friendly slappings'. *Snort*. I'm going to 'friendlily kick your gentlemen's vegetables' then if you don't mind.

AND MERLIN GET'S TO HIT ARTHUR! THAT MAKES ME WAY TOO HAPPY THEN IT SHOULD!

Then…

**MERLIN!**

**NEXT TIME!**

Princess Mithian has returned (according to Sir Leon), as well as (Another) damsel in distress. The awesome hand smash by Merlin in the trailer, an old dude swinging a sword, a caped guy and Merlin flying through the air like an eagle… piloting a blimp. (Booyah, Portal quote!). Oh, and Arthur's at sword point. Merlin will not be pleased about that.

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 9. (34 total) Wow. Down this week.**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 1. Down a **_**lot.**_

**Most irritating moment – Every. Damn. Time. Arthur. Hit. MERLIN! GRR!**

**Predictions that came true: Uther 'The Loofah' returned from the dead (somewhat), but not properly. Arthur used his trumpet/pipe thingy, and Uther **_**tried **_**to make him do bad things. Arthur **_**did **_**have to destroy/kill Uther 'The Loofah'.**

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: No Sefa (or Seflin :() No Morgana too. STILL NO BROMANCE MOMENT :(**

**Predictions for next episode: Mithian will return, and they'll be a spell to make people fall in love with her, because that happens far too often on Merlin, and hasn't happened for some time (troll… *hehehe*.) Merlin and Arthur WILL HAVE THAT BROMANCE MOMENT IF I HAVE TO THREATEN THE BBC FOR IT TO HAPPEN. Gaius will continue to be mocked for his utterly stupid haircut, and I will magically teleport into Merlin and knee Arthur in his man sausage – hard.**

* * *

Until then, goodbye! The next review _will _be late (and very late indeed), but I hope you enjoyed this one! Thanks for reading, and please review! Enzonia out!


	4. Another's Sorrow

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very_tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

I'm back! I didn't get to watch Merlin until now, because I went on Holiday to New York. Yup, the city with the Hurricane. I got on the ONLY flight that wasn't cancelled, and actually managed to get home relatively on time. Seriously, almost all of the flights were cancelled, it was pretty lucky that I managed to get home before the week finished. This means I have all of today to write MERLIN-NESS! I don't understand how you Americans cope! NO MERLIN! :O I tried to find a site to watch it, but then the power went out, and I had to imagine what was happening and go cry in a corner softly!

So, update is coming soon, (a day or two, weird), and I hope you enjoy this one! I look forward to writing it!

* * *

**Last time – **I _still _didn't get my bromance hug for Merlin (*sob*), Uther 'The Loofah' (I really should stop calling him that) had his hair done by Gaius, and was very blue for the entire episode (PUN TOTALLY INTENDED!). I made immature jokes about pipes, the infamous rat turned up again (as well as Gaius in a very creepy fashion) and Merlin is a bit of an idiot. Oh, and we were _so very, very close to a reveal! _SO CLOSE! Oh, and Leon thinks Arthur does poetry, and I think there should be quotation marks around the word poetry, as I honestly don't think that Leon believed that.

I kept humming the theme tune under my breath during the whole of the Kilgarrah intro speech, because I was going into a state of Merlin deprival. Seriously, I had the shakes and everything!

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name-**

And then it stopped. Yup, sucky internet connection. Imagine if I hadn't watched Merlin before, I'd be like "WHAT'S HIS NAME! YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME HIS NAME! TELL ME!" *frantically shakes computer screen*.

*Goes and makes some tea and lets iPlayer buffer for a bit, presses play*

**-MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

I kept smiling while I hummed too, because I was THAT HAPPY about finally getting to see the episode! I still don't understand how non-UK residents cope without their favourite warlock!

There is fire. Which I feel is a good start to any episode, or anything in general. Fire is the solution to everything, I believe that I've already said that in this review-fic somewhere. Bet you that the fire is because of:

A – SORCERY!

B – MORGANA SORCERY!

C – FIRE LOOKS COOL, SO WE'RE USING IT! SCREW COMMON LOGIC!

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to Morgana, who's in a stone building. So a combination of all 3 of the above points. (Called it) Sorcery, Morgana sorcery, and a lack of logic, as I'm pretty sure that stone doesn't burn. Just like in Arthur's Bane Part 2, where Smirking guy/EPLI's father managed to (literally) set fire to stone floors/thin air. Thin air, that's a weird expression. Is there a thick air somewhere? Or an obese air? Is there a Weightwatchers for air, so they can make the transition between thick/fat/morbidly obese air to being thin air? Who knows!

Anyway.

And it's a throne room! Morgana likes those, doesn't she! Remember all of Arthur's Bane, where she kept lazing around in Minecraft Tower's throne? Or in the season finally of 3 and 4, where she did the same thing in Camelot's throne? I do. She likes her thrones.

**UNKNOWN MAN – **King Rodor!

So it's not Camelot! (For once!). Oh and Mithian too! I wonder whether she's enchanted or not during the episode. She could just be being forced to do it, or her father dies. I think enchantment though.

**UNKNOWN MAN – **Princess Mithian, You are as beautiful as they say.

**MITHIAN – **And you, Odin, are a cold-blooded murderer.

Well, we know his name now! Odin!

Morgana is upset at them, because they're friends of Camelot, whilst she's definitely more of an enemy. Cue dragging off of royal people, as Odin and Morgana have a nice chat.

**ODIN – **We divide the spoils as agreed?

**MORGANA – **Take whatever you wish.

**ODIN – **So what is your business here Morgana?

The continued destruction of Camelot, the _throne _of Camelot, revenge, murder, Arthur's death, Merlin's slow and painful death, more murder, topless knights, overly complicated plan, more revenge, another dash of murder, fire, death, murder and revenge and Bellatrix Lestrange style hair.

Take your pick.

**MORGANA – **I seek what is rightfully mine. I seek the throne of Camelot.

So all of the above then. (Called it)

**MORGANA – **And for that I need an army.

As always. Why do the idiots keep _giving _her armies! Think back Odin, who was allied with Morgause/Morgana earlier? Helios? Cenred? Notice anything about them? THEY'RE _DEAD! _

Idiots.

And of course, like an idiot, Odin gives Morgana his army.

*facepalm*

They'll be dead within a week. Odin asks what he gets out of this, and Morgana says that he can have Arthur. Which is pretty odd, as I thought that Morgana wanted to kill Arthur slowly and painfully. *Goes back to Arthur's Bane Part 2 quickly to find a quote*. In fact, she said: 'I want his head on a pike and I want to see crows feast on his eyes.' If she gives Arthur to Odin, then she might not get to see that!

DRAMATIC WALK AWAY! ODIN DOES SOME PENSIVE-STARING™

~~Tangential!~~

Theme song humming time, just hum along in your head, you know you want to! Go on! Do it! NOW!

~~Tangential!~~

It's night-time, which means that bad things are going to happen soon, because that's what happens whenever it's night-time on Merlin. A new immortal army attacks Camelot, a creepy guy smarms his way in, etc.

Two people on horses ride in (I'm guessing Morgana and Mithian, but disguised Morgana. They ride past the knights, and they just look at them, like *ooh, horsies! I'll just let them past, even though I'm a GUARD and supposed to be GUARDING the city*

*facepalm*

Suddenly, a wild Leon appears!

I RECOGNISE THIS! Leon gets to carry Mithian into the castle, doesn't he! (Can I ship them yet? Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?)

**MITHIAN – **Sir Leon, it gladdens my heart to see you!

SHIPPING INSANITY BEGINS! Meon? Leonthian? Lithian? I now ship Lithian. It's official.

And Leon gets to carry Mithian in (THIS SHIP SAILS ITSELF!)

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius orders Merlin to go get blankets n' stuff, because Merlin always has to go and get things. Yes, I know that's what his job is, but still? Why can't Gaius get it himself (Lazy Arse…). Also, Gaius tells him to build a fire (in the middle of the room? On the bed? Does he want Merlin to set fire to the castle? Or the highly flammable stone floor?

Leon looks concernedly at Mithian. (Told you, Lithian forever – even though I only thought of a name a few seconds ago…). Merlin talks to an old lady (who is probably evil, and probably Morgana too…). Old Lady refuses to leave Mithian, and Merlin appeals to Gaius, who concedes, and allows the almost certainly evil Old Lady to stay.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur! (He isn't topless though). Knock on the door, and Merlin enters! (I thought Merlin didn't knock on doors? What happened? Why's he being all… servant-y?). Apparently Mithian will live (Lithian shippers: Yay!), and Arthur gets up to go see her, but Merlin stops him. Arthur's all like 'excuse me?'

**ARTHUR – **Excuse me?

(Told you.)

No-one is allowed to see her, even prattish, Merlin-abandoning Kings (no, I have still not forgiven Arthur for that.)

Cue banter.

Arthur does some Pensive-Staring™ of his own, and Merlin asks what's wrong, because that's the kind of wonderful person Merlin is *sigh*. Arthur tells Merlin that something must have happened for her to have ridden throughout the night. (Morgana. It's always Morgana. Why can't you just work from that assumption every time something bad happens? The other assumption you should always work from is that any person who's new in Camelot is going to be evil/possessed/enchanted.)

~~Tangential!~~

Old lady locks the door (evil music's playing, so she's definitely evil. Morgana. She's Morgana.) She's also in pain, which could be because she's old and wrinkly now, but _Merlin _didn't complain about it when he had to pretend to be old those times. Morgana's just a whinger. And the face in the mirror changes. It's _definitely _Morgana now. Because, you know, she's _there_. Told you it was Morgana, called it!

Mithian seems (mostly) unfazed by the creepy Old Lady becoming Morgana, though she does seem moderately peeved by it. So she knew, but wasn't happy. Hmm, I think I was wrong, she wasn't enchanted, she's being forced in some other way maybe.

**MITHIAN – **You can't keep this up for long, it's exhausting you.

HAH! _Merlin _wasn't exhausted! You're a WEAK WIMP Morgana! Hah!

I'm pretty sure that she isn't enchanted, and is just being forced now, but I'll learn more later!

~~Tangential!~~

Mithian explains all.

**MITHIAN – **They came at night, without warning.

Well, that's sort of obvious. They're not going to wave massive flags, or ring bells, or send them a letter saying 'Just to let you know that we're attacking this week! Hope Tuesday isn't bad for you! With warning – Evil People.' That would be stupid, even by the evil villains' standards (And they're not the brightest bulb in the electrician's shop…)

Mithian's dad? King Roro was it? *Scrolls up*, nope, Rodor, was injured, but managed to escape with Mithian. Apparently, Mithian had to leave him at/near the border. Ah, I think I see where this plan is going. They'll make Arthur (maybe all the Questing Trio!) go over to find him, and then have them surround and capture Arthur.

It's actually a pretty good plan, by Morgana's standards at least.

And it's official, they're going to get sent to rescue King Rodor! (PleasepleasePLEASE be just the Questing Trio! I love Gwaine!)

Arthur shares a look with Gwen, and then turns back to Mithian, and tells her that he'll help find her father (though I doubt he's really there). Morgana smirks.

~~Tangential!~~

All the main knights (and Gwen, Merlin and Gaius), are surrounding a map. *sigh* that means no Questing Trio time for me. I'll just go cry in the corner then, and then read some Questing Trio fanfiction to make the pain go away. Mithian's going to lead them to her father, as she's recovering. Ouch, that's going to lead to some pre-tty awkward times when they get captured, and she has to explain why she did it all.

**ARTHUR – **Our only chance of getting Rodor back is with speed and stealth.

Arthur, you're KNIGHTS you don't _do _stealth! You do charging into dangerous situations while yelling 'FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!'

**ARTHUR – **With just a small group of Knights,

**ELYAN – **We could be over the border and back again in a matter of hours.

*hope begins to fill me*. Does that mean…

Gaius interrupts (rudely, if I say so myself), to say that this is dangerous.

**ARTHUR – **That's true, but Odin doesn't know where Rodor is. And we do.

Actually Arthur, it's sort of the opposite. Odin _has _Rodor, and so knows where he is, and you're going to go on a wild goose chase, so you _don't _know where Rodor is. Also, even if Rodor is actually where you think he is, Odin knows where you'll be too. That means that you are wrong on so many different levels…

~~Tangential!~~

Dramatic shot of the moon and clouds. It's _always _the full moon on TV, isn't it? Poor werewolves :(

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana is chanting something, whilst Mithian is slowly walking towards her, maybe to clout her over the head with a saucepan or something. Or maybe just run away. Morgana is using a crow to send messages (because that is _really _the best way to send messages. Via crow. Makes _so _much sense, doesn't it? Using magic to send them? I've been going about it the wrong way for _years_).

Mithian watches the crow and really should go to Merlin and tell him what's happening. WHEN IN DOUBT, TELL MERLIN! *Sigh* Merlin…

Mithian actually _does _run for the door (called it), but Morgana stops her, by using 'the force' and clenching her hand and pulling her backwards. And then, of course, there's a knock on the door. It's going to be Merlin, because that's the worst person who _could _come to the door (for Morgana at least).

And it's Merlin (called it). Lucky for Morgana that Merlin learnt to knock at some point between this episode and the last one. Awkwardness ensues as Morgana and Merlin have a chat by the door, as Mithian stands by and looks worried and scared. The door is locked again, and Merlin can hear it (as far as I am aware, he's right by the door).

Cue confused Merlin, who turns and walks away.

Back to Morgana and Mithian, and Morgana threatens Mithian a bit, because she can.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is pounding some things in a bowl (there's a word for that, but I can't remember it at the moment. It'll come to me eventually.

Gaius (and his _idiotic _hair) asks Merlin whether anything is wrong, to which Merlin replies with 'I don't know'. And then 'Something's not quite right with Mithian'. Go Merlin! If anyone was going to notice something wrong with anyone, it would be Merlin. Arthur wouldn't notice 'something not quite right with Mithian', ever! Because he's Oblivious Arthur! Mithian could dance around in a sack and throw socks at people whilst yelling "DOBBY, BE FREE!" and Arthur wouldn't notice. Merlin's definitely the brighter side of the coin, like he said.

Anyway…

Merlin thinks that she's frightened of something. Has it occurred to him that she's scared because her dad is (supposedly) dying in a place far away, and she might not ever see him again?

**GAIUS – **Well she's worried, Merlin. She's worried about her father.

Damn, although I might have called it, I agreed with Gaius, that's not good. My irrational dislike of Gaius knows no bounds!

Merlin thinks it's more than that, and says something that gets my shipping dock opening for business.

**MERLIN - **It's not the Mithian I know.

Merlithian? Mithlin? WHY DO I SHIP MITHIAN WITH EVERYONE! It's like Gwaine! There's Gwapple, Gwerlin, Gwarthur, Gwainevere, Gwaingana, Gwalien, Gwercival, Gwelyan, Gweon, Gwalcohol and so much more… And I ship more or less every single one, to some degree. (Go Gwapple!)

And he's noticed something about Hilde (Morgana as an older person.) Gaius is defending Hilde, and I think it's because he fancies her. Hehehe.

Sadly, my immature giggling is stopped (rudely, if I do say so myself) by what Gaius says next.

**GAIUS – **Come, we have work to do. We must pack up our supplies.

Noooooooo…

That means…

That means that…

GAIUS IS COMING TOO!

Not only is it _not _Questing Trio centric, but Gaius and his ludicrous hairstyle will be with them. *sob*

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen now, and she's in quite a nice nightdress, talking to Arthur, who's looking at some maps. (MAPS! Hopefully they're good ones, because it would suck quite a bit if they all got lost. Imagine if they turn out to be the Arthurian version of Apple Maps. Imagine if they had Satnav back then…

_At the next tree, turn right. Continue onwards for 200 paces. You have arrived at your castle._

Tangent over, back to Merlin.

Gwen's worrying over Arthur, as far as I can tell. She says that if something goes wrong, Arthur could die and Camelot might not have a king. Arthur says he'll do it, because he's allied with Nemeth (Rodor and Mithian's kingdom). Gwen seems to think that Arthur only wants to go for revenge, as Odin killed his father. Wow, I completely forgot about that. *Goes to the Merlin Wikia*

'Though the assassin failed to kill Arthur, he succeeded in mortally wounding Uther who, despite the best efforts, died.'

Wow. Going on Odin's page actually made me remember a lot of the past stuff. I haven't seen 'The Once and Future Queen' for ages…

I'm going to have a Merlinathon after this episode, to watch some of the episodes I haven't seen for ages (mostly series 2 and 3).

~~Tangential!~~

Now there's a pointy tree house thingy. It's got moss and stuff on it, but looks remarkably well kept. There's a cave inside of it, where Rodor is. Rodor is mocked by Odin, who's received word of Arthur leaving Camelot to come.

**ODIN – **Tell the men to make ready the tomb of a king.

**ME – **But which king? Arthur, Rodor or youself? It better not be Arthur, or I'll pee on you. I WILL PEE ON YOU!

**ODIN – **A fitting end to Arthur's journey, don't you think?

THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO POO ON YOUR UGLY, GREASY HEAD!

Rodor thinks that Odin's a twat, and tells him he's nothing better than a common criminal. Common criminal, that's another odd phrasing. Are there rarer criminals? Like a 'Common Criminal' and then there are 'Lesser Speckled Criminals' and 'The Greater Horner Finnish Criminal?'. The English language is odd. French is odder, and the French people are odd too. I've got a Scottish/Viking side, and a French side, and the French side of me wants to push into queues and stuff myself full of cheese all day. (But at least it doesn't scream at me to ready the long boats so we can attack my enemies like the Scottish/Viking side.)

Anyway…

Odin does not like back-chat, and back-slaps Rodor.

**ODIN – **Arthur is the criminal. He proved that when he murdered my son.

It's called war for a reason, you don't dance around throwing flowers everywhere during war – you hit them with pointy things until they bleed.

~~Tangential!~~

Mithian is sleeping, and Morgana is too. (What if someone came in and saw the evilest threat to Camelot having a nice nap inside Camelot? Also, who restocked the grapes that are on the table? And why are there no apples? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET RID OF GWAPPLE? HUH? HUH!). Mithian grabs the key from Morgana's hand (while Morgana moves in her sleep), and switches it with a hairbrush. Why? Because it'd be awesome to see Morgana's face when she wakes up holding a hairbrush. Have you _seen _her hair? Maybe she could gift the hairbrush to Gaius…

Mithian runs through hallways, hopefully in the direction of Leon and/or Merlin.

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana wakes up to an empty room, and is not pleased.

**MORGANA – **No!

~~Tangential!~~

Mithian is still running through corridors, and it's way too quiet. Something's going to happen…

SUDDENLY, MORGANA!

(Called it.)

**MORGANA – **Looking for someone?

No, she just wanted to have a nice walk around the castle, of _course _she was looking for someone. I think she might have known that though, and she causes a bracelet that Mithian's wearing to heat up.

**MORGANA – **Did you really imagine you could go to Arthur behind my back?

**ME – **No, she could go to _Merlin _or _Leon _behind your back!

Morgana threatens to kill her father slowly and painfully. So she's being threatened, rather than punished. Morgana is still standing over Mithian, when Gwen appears. Probably because Mithian's been _crying_ quite loudly, and she could probably be heard by a lot of people. Morgana tells Gwen that Mithian was just feeling a bit faint, and they went to get some air. They leave.

~~Tangential!~~

Daytime!

Merlin tries to convince Arthur not to go (he does this every episode, it's not going to happen Merlin! Go do something more useful, like cutting Gaius' hair, since he's obviously unable to do it himself!)

**ARTHUR – **I'm thinking that's what you always say.

Ha! Arthur agrees with me (Called it!)

Arthur points out that he is still (more or less) alive, despite what Merlin says each time. Merlin continues to try (and fail) to convince Arthur not to go, by saying that they're missing something. Nobody knows what though…

Merlin says they should delay the mission. Arthur says yes. My jaw drops quite a bit.

**ARTHUR – **Oh, and go and tell Princess Mithian that we've decided to let her father die because you have a funny feeling.

Pwned!

~~Tangential!~~

Horsies, and Merlin is _still _confused. Quite a few knights are going, I spy Merlin, Morgana, Mithian, Arthur, Leon and Gwaine so far. (And Gaius). There are some red-shirt knights too. (Remember when Sir Leon was a red-shirt knight? When he was completely expendable? I'm glad he's not anymore, because he's my second favourite knight. HE'S FRICKING INVINCIBLE!)

Merlin helps Mithian off her horse (and they have a mini-hug. Aw. My MerlinxMithian senses are going haywire.) Merlin notices the burn on her arm and asks where she got it from. Mithian says that she was tied up by Odin's men, and that's how she got it.

Morgana smirks.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is getting water whilst Pensive-Staring™ too! And talking to Gaius. Why'd he come? Gaius keeps defending them, but Merlin is unconvinced (because Merlin rules!). Arthur tells them to hurry. They do so.

~~Tangential!~~

Horsies again! Merlin is riding behind Morgana, looking at her suspiciously.

~~Tangential!~~

That was one short scene, wasn't it? Now they're camping by a fire! Merlin should really go and _ask _Mithian what's wrong, it would solve the entire mystery a lot earlier on…

Arthur is stuffing his face full of food. (I can just imagine Merlin calling him fat again…) Merlin once again asks him whether this is the right thing to do. Arthur questions Merlin's 'funny feeling' again, even though Merlin's Funny-Feeling Alarm™ is almost always right. Merlin needs to point this out to Arthur someday. Arthur talks to Merlin about revenge over his father dying. This might mean that he'll bring up Dragoon the Great again! Sadly, he doesn't, though he does say that he can't let Odin kill Mithian's father like he killed his own. Aw.

**MERLIN – **But to risk so much for one small act of revenge.

So both Merlin and Gwen think it's about revenge. Excuse me one second.

I WILL HAVE MY **REVEEEEEENGE!**

Sorry. Had to do that.

Back to Merlin.

**ARTHUR – **Tell me Merlin, if you were me, if you were in my shoes-

**ME – **Again? You said this last episode? Is this your new catchphrase? Making Merlin feels sad about his (dead) father? Sheesh.

Merlin admits that he'd do the same thing for revenge. Arthur eats some more food.

Suddenly, a wild Morgana appears! … and promptly collapses. Mithian looks on suspiciously as Gaius talks (read: flirts) with Old Morgana. Gaius checks Morgana over (I am _so _sure that Gaius fancies her, so very, very sure…). He deems her well, and uses it as an excuse to complain about his old age. Gaius walks off with Merlin and tells him how extremely healthy she is – as if she was half her age.

THAT'S BECAUSE SHE IS!

Merlin looks suspicious.

~~Tangential!~~

Mithian is a-walking, but is stopped by Morgana, who once again threatens her, saying her father will die if she tries anything foolish. Mithian says that she just needs to wash, and that Morgana should consider doing the same, because she's really starting to smell.

…

OK, I made the last part up.

Morgana lets Mithian go.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur's arse (well, his back anyway. I was focused on… *ahem*… nothing… nothing at all…

Leon! Yay! Leon tells Arthur that there are a lot of men (of the Odinese kind – yes, I might have made that word up) patrolling around the area. Arthur thinks that they're looking for Rodor, when they're really looking for HIM! DUN DUN DAH!

Leon asks whether they should be doing this. Just like Merlin and Gwen asked, and if he turned them down, he's not going to change his mind for you Leon, not matter how immortal you are. Think how sad I'll be if Leon died. Not only would I be mourning Leon, but my personal Head-Canon would have been more or less _crapped _on by the BBC. Arthur says 'Hell no!' and says that they should keep pressing on, aiming for Nemeth.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is packing, and Mithian talks to him. TELL HIM! TELL HIM! But Morgana appears. Not only couldn't she tell Merlin what was going on, but Morgana ruined some great MerlinxMithian shipping time. *Muttering*. Mithian says that she just wants her water bottle filled, but Merlin gives her his. Aw. I SHIP IT SO HARD! Merlin goes off to fill it, when suddenly she sees a rock, with the word 'MORGANA' written on it. Mithian's clever! Now Merlin knows what's going on! Yay!

He runs back, but is thrown forward by Morgana, who's looking evil. She uses the force again, and clenches her fist, causing Merlin to suffocate. Merlin's about to kick the bucket when Morgana lets go, instead leaving him unconscious. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because she thinks that Arthur might notice if Merlin vanishes. I disagree, Arthur's nickname is 'Oblivious Arthur' for a reason…

Arthur calls out for Merlin, and Morgana tells him that Merlin's here.

~~Tangential!~~

Percival carries Merlin in. Is it just me, or is Percival's sole purpose in life to carry unconscious Merlins? That happens wa-a-ay too often.

Arthur sees Merlin, and we get a (minor) bromance moment when Arthur looks all worried. Aw. Gaius looks at Merlin, and sees that he's got a blow to the head. Hang on one second… is that _blood_? On _Merlin_? (Both the person and the TV show.) I don't think I've ever actually _seen _blood on the TV show before… There was a bit when Morgana had the ear-burrowing thingy, but apart from that, I can't think of any other times. Wow. They've had Snow, Rain and now Blood! They're discovering new things!

Arthur looks strained, and looks between the various knights, and finally says that they'll have to leave him.

**ME – **But… but the BROMANCE! And… and… and… AND YOU'RE DECIDING TO ABANDON MERLIN _AGAIN_? WHAT THE HELL! BLARGH! STOP ABANDONING MERLIN OR I WILL HIT YOU SO HARD YOU UTTER PRAT! MWAFH RFA hutehuwilg 'gs\ T W) qf8

And thus I descended into a blind rage, slamming my head into the keyboard repeatedly for at least 5 minutes. When I finally calmed down, I had accidentally created a new Word Document called 'tw4ddtbb' and opened Norton up. I didn't even know I _had _Norton…

*Finally gets back to watching Merlin*

Arthur does leave Gwaine with Merlin (*takes a moment to mentally swoon over Gwaine's hair*). The others leave, and I scowl at Arthur, and then the scene changes to Morgana telling Mithian that 'there'd be consequences if you tried anything'.

~~Tangential!~~

According to Gwaine, Merlin should have awoken already. It's sad, Gwaine is there, Merlin is there, but they're missing Arthur, and Gaius is there too! But I'm not sure if I _want _to see Arthur again, so I might replace him. Gaius? Want to be the newest member of the Questing Trio? No? I'll go and ask Leon then, or maybe Percival…

Right, it's now a Questing Quartet, and Leon and Percival are in it (I chucked Arthur out.) Hm, Questing Quartet makes it sound like some sort of band…

Anyway…

Gaius sends Gwaine away to get some firewood. He's going to use magic, isn't he?

Gaius holds up some flowers (?) and uses magic.

Called it!

~~Tangential!~~

People walking through the forest. It's the FRIEND-ABANDONING PRAT, Mithian and the Knights. They're entering Odin's land, and leaving Camelot. I hope a bear eats Arthur…

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius is still doing magic, and trying to get Merlin to wake, but Merlin seems to want to have a nice lie in. Gaius tries again, and then stops, telling unconscious Merlin that it's 'all he has'. It seems to have failed, and Gaius sighs loudly. Obviously, he's going to wake up right now. It happens every time on TV! Just when hope is lost…

Merlin wakes up, (called it) and Merlin tells Gaius that Hilde _is _Morgana, and that he didn't get to Arthur in time. Gaius points out that Morgana nearly killed him, but Merlin says that Morgana 'didn't count on a sorcerer of your power'. They have an almost hug, and Gwaine appears.

**GWAINE – **Merlin!

He goes to hug Merlin, but Merlin's like 'Not now!' (SO CLOSE TO THE BROMANCE :O), he uses Gwaine's hug as leverage and keeps going. Merlin, why didn't you hug Gwaine? If the friend-abandoning prat isn't going to hug you, at least let Gwaine give you a hug!

~~Tangential!~~

The Knights are a-walking again, and keep going, as Merlin and Gwaine run like da wind! Arthur and the Knights are at the cave, and Gwaine and Merlin keep on running, looking rather epic. Back at the cave, and Arthur's taking Percival with him into the cave, along with Mithian.

The cave is pretty dark, and Mithian is _just _about to tell them it's a trap, but Morgana gives her a look, and she stops.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the Questing Duo, and Merlin stops, seeing a group of Odinese men ahead, they duck down into a conveniently placed ditch to hide from them for a bit. The men walk right over them, but (very luckily) don't see them. I take a moment's break here to sigh happily over Gwaine's hair again.

*sighs happily*

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur's in the room with Percival and Mithian. There is a severe lack of Rodor-ness. Arthur notices this.

**ARTHUR – **I don't understand, where's your father?

*Facepalm* It's not hard to work out Arthur! How many people have told you that this was a bad idea? Can you think of _no _reason why someone would want you (almost) alone in a cave?

**MITHIAN – **He's not here.

**ME – **Well _that's _obvious.

**ARTHUR – **Then where is he?

**ME – **Not here?

Instead, Mithian begins to speak, but before she can say anything, there's the sound of approaching footsteps. People enter the room, and Arthur is surrounded (as well as the muscly Percival.) Mentally, Arthur's swearing loudly, because at least 3 people have told him that going on the mission was a bad idea.

Back outside, and Immortal Leon and co are being surrounded too.

Inside, Arthur begins to fight! He punches one in the head, while Percival stabby-stabs with his sword ('slashy slashy!' I love Lucky Tower… Hardly anyone will get that reference… 'SUBMIT!') But there're too many people, and they surround Arthur and Percival. I'm actually feeling a bit sorry for the friend-abandoning clotpole, as he's been betrayed by so many people. Morgana, Gwen, Lancelot, Agravaine, even _Uther 'The Loofah' _in last episode…

**ARTHUR – **What wrong have I done you?

Odin appears, and Arthur looks peeved!

Odin chats with Arthur for a bit, which is a stupid idea. If the evil villains just stabbed people instead of talking to them, things would work out a lot better for them. He generally talks about Revenge for his dead son, and then Morgana speaks.

**MORGANA – **You are not alone in having waited for this moment, Odin.

Arthur looks at her like 'Oh shi-'

**MORGANA – **Appearances can be deceiving, dear brother!

His 'Oh shi-' expression instead becomes resigned, as he says 'Morgana' sadly.

Odin is just about to kill Arthur, when Arthur says the thing from the trailer!

**ARTHUR – **You kill me, and you'll have all of Camelot to answer to.

**ODIN – **Camelot is nothing without its King.

Arthur shakes his head, and says that his Knights will come after Odin. That's a pretty stupid thing to say, Arthur, because your knights are probably _captured _at the moment. Your only hope is Merlin, as usual.

~~Tangential!~~

Questing Duo time, and they're looking over a lump of rock at the cave and the captured knights. Merlin goes off to look for Arthur (after Gwaine says 'Good Luck'), and Gwaine sets about trying to free the knights.

And there's a man urinating.

This is going to be good.

He's having a nice pee, when suddenly A FIST COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATTACKS HIS FACE!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin now, and he has to get past two Odinese men. That should be easy. He goes sideways from them, and makes a load of leaves rustle, sending a guard to investigate. He then clunks him over the head with the sword. He manages to get inside, and peers around a pillar, seeing Morgana and the Odinese men. As usual, Morgana is smirking.

Odin is raising the sword up, about to behead Arthur, but Merlin uses MAGIC POWER! and slams his hand against the floor (just like in the trailer!). And…

Oh.

My.

GOODNESS!

**ME!**

MERLIN CAN MAKE EARTHQUAKES.

*Hyperventilates.*

Merlin, I WANT TO BE YOU SO MUCH!

Arthur sets about stabbing people with Percival, easily defeating most of the Odinese men, while Morgana looks on, confused. Rodor and his daughter Mithian are cowering in a corner, whilst the others fight. A man holding a mace raises it above Arthur's head, about to kill him, while Arthur just gapes at him. Suddenly, the man falls down, revealing Merlin behind him.

Arthur looks completely confused when he says "Merlin?!" He calls for the others to follow him, and they begin to run, and Morgana is stopped by Merlin with a quick flash of magicness.

~~Tangential!~~

Outside, the knights are surrounded, when suddenly one of the people surrounding them mysteriously falls down dead, and then another. The guards look incredibly confused, as Gwaine continues to shoot them with his crossbow. Cue epic fight, as Percival, Leon, Elyan and Gwaine do some arse kicking!

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the other group, and Merlin and the others are sprinting out of the cave, which is collapsing. They keep running until they get to the road, where a group of men can be seen approaching them. They run the other way, and Odinese men keep coming out of (literally) nowhere. Arthur takes one down, as does Rodor. They keep on going, running from the Odinese.

Arthur tells Mithian and Rodor to run, as he needs to settle the score with Odin. They run off, leaving Merlin, Arthur and (I think) Percival. Down another conveniently placed gully they run, until they're trapped in it. Odin and his men appear, and Arthur prepares to fight. Odin is an idiot, and says that he wants to fight Arthur himself, which will mean that he'll die. *Sigh*. The evil ones are always the idiots…

Arthur steps forward to attack, and they fight. Obviously, Arthur's going to win, because of his general awesomeness. In a few epic moments of fighting, Arthur's disarmed Odin, but Merlin calls out to him.

**MERLIN – **Arthur, Stop! Think about what you're doing.

I'm having flashbacks to 'His Father's Son' now.

Merlin continues to talk Arthur out of killing Odin, talking about how Arthur should _unite _the land, not create large wars. Arthur stops, and tells Odin that he won't kill him, because it will just start a war. He offers a truce between them, as well as Odin's life in return for them giving Nemeth back to Rodor.

**ODIN – **You killed my son!

**ARTHUR – **_You _killed my father!

**ME – **No, Arthur, _I _am your father.

Sadly, that doesn't happen, and instead Odin and Arthur shake hands, and they create a truce. CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC!

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius heals Rodor, while Mithian watches. Mithian's going to apologise. Mithian begins to (called it), but Arthur cuts her off, saying that she had no choice, so has no need to apologise.

Gwen and Arthur have a chat, with Gwen saying that she's proud of Arthur, for not killing Odin when he had the chance. Arthur says that Merlin should take some of the credit. Whoa! Arthur is giving Merlin a compliment. That's… new. Gwen asks whether it was a compliment, and Arthur asks Gwen to never tell Merlin because 'I'll never hear the end of it'.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius and Merlin are having a chat. Gaius seems happy, as Arthur is closer to uniting the Kingdoms. Merlin is not happy, as Morgana is still alive, and murdering. According to Merlin, she's a lot stronger, as she's able to hold aging spells for long periods of time.

**GAIUS – **Be that as it may, she is not yet your equal.

I AGREE WITH GAIUS! MERLIN FOR THE WIN!

Merlin is pessimistic, and asks about what they'd do if Morgana becomes stronger than him. Gaius answers that they have to hope that that day will never come…

SUDDENLY

**MERLIN!**

**NEXT TIME!**

An ugly person (wearing a hug because they're so ugly) looks up, as do some other ugly people holding staffs. SCENE FROM SERIES 5 TRAILER :O People near water! A coin (which is round and gold, and I shall now call a Galleon). Gaius saying that the gods are judging against him. Arthur plays with the coin. KNIGHTS! DRAGON! Someone who looks suspiciously like Arthur using Magic! (And throwing Elyan and some other knights) Horsies, Merlin (almost topless), Hoodies, Arthur, Mordred (finally!) and a shout of 'MERLIN!' from Arthur.

Cooooooool

That means bromance, right? Right? _Right?_

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 11. (45 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 4.**

**Predictions that came true: Mithian returned, though it was pretty obvious that she would do so. Hm. Not much correctness.**

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: Merlin **_**still **_**did not get that DAMN HUG!. There was no love spell, and I didn't get to knee Arthur in the groin. Doesn't mean that I won't do it next episode though. *grumble***

**Predictions for next episode: The Hoodies will give Arthur a coin which will make him have magic, or give him some sickness that mimics magic (Please? That would be coooooool.) Mordred will train against Arthur in the episode, and (almost) win. Merlin will have **_**another **_**near death experience, and Arthur WILL GIVE HIM THAT BLOODY HUG BEFORE I GO INTO ANOTHER RAGE AND SCREAM AT MY COMPUTER! *Deep breaths***

See you in a day or two, and I'm sorry that this is late! I have ideas for two _more _fanfictions though, an extension of 'You were gone?' and a new fic called 'Intortus'. Which is very confusing. Very.


	5. The Disir

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Wow. It's almost been no time at all since the last chapter! This one I get to see live (yay!) and that's a good thing. Sadly, the 'next time' thing was incredibly vague, so my hope levels have risen to great levels (will we see bromance? Will Merlin get that hug – finally?). Is that even a bad thing? Probably. I should probably go talk about something else now… Um, Tumblr? EatSleepCrap? I'll be 16 by the time you read this (Woo!) most likely. Um, I have a helluva lot of homework I should probably be doing right now instead of writing this (damn you fanfiction!)

Sooooooo…

I'll just stop the A/N then, won't I?

* * *

**Last time – **Yet again a STINKY, UGLY, POO-Y prat abandoned Merlin for a second time (*ominous, dark mutterings*), leading me to extend my previous fanfiction! (Yup, new chapter for 'You Were Gone?' is up! #shameless_self-promotion). Gaius was abandoned too apparently, but I didn't actually _notice _that he was missing until other fanfictions pointed it out. Whoops… Merlin was EPICNESS INCARNATE! Gwaine was awesome, and so was his hair. If I'm going to talk about the actual _plot_, then this is it: Morgana is evil, she made Mithian trick Arthur, Merlin was abandoned (*More ominous, dark muttering*) and Merlin had to rescue Arthur using the aforementioned EPICNESS INCARNATE skills.

I said it out loud this time! I spent much of today trying to get it sounding just right! It's not like I'm _sad _or anything, it's perfectly normal to imitate a dragon in your free time…

Please tell me it isn't sad! I feel insecure…

Anyway… Hehehe…

(*cue more awkward laughter*)

So…

…

ONWARDS!

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

Ominous chanting. That can't be good. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's _never _good to have people chanting ominously while on Merlin. They tend to be evil and/or trying to kill Arthur, though I'm pretty sure that those two are mutually inclusive anyway. Ooh, some Hoodied people are doing the chanting. That's going to be even _worse_; because that almost certainly means that they're evil. (Hoods=Evil almost every time in Merlin, that's what I've learnt – as well as the fact that if you crash into someone of the opposite gender you are automatically shipped with them…) The hooded people raise their spear/staffs (that's not good, *tuts*, hoodie scum, what're young people coming to these days?). They poke the water, and chant some more – whilst still looking rather evil.)

Now they're outside, and a slightly rugged looking fellow (called Oscar? Osgar? I can't spell…) turns around to see the hoodie lady.

**HOODIE LADY – **You know what must be done?

**ME -** General evilness, the destruction of Camelot and/or Arthur and smirking? Take your pick.

Sadly, he doesn't say any of those, instead going for the far less awesome 'I do'. He then stands up and is passed a magical coin (which does look more like an expensive coaster than a coin to be completely honest.) The hoodie lady says 'The fate of Arthur Pendragon is in your hands now.'

LITERALLY! :O

He puts up his hood, and becomes another Hoodie (they breed like rabbits :P) and walks off.

(Also, is it odd that I've pre-emptively started shipping Hoodie Lady and Merlin? Yes? Oh, I'll just go and laugh manically in the corner then…)

~~Tangential!~~

INTRO MUSIC! And yes, I am humming along with it, and _no, _it is _not _sad in the slightest! Well it is a bit sad, but it's the highlight of my week. Hang on, did I write that down? *Furious Scribbling out*

~~Tangential!~~

MORDRED! You're _finally _back, after eons and eons where you mysteriously vanished and/or (yes, I might be overusing the word and/or, deal with it.) became one of the red-shirted knight who magically blend into the background. Wait, did I write magically? No! Better cross it out before Uther 'The Loofah' finds out.

"SORCERY!"

IT'S TOO LATE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, SAVE YOURSELF! *Runs away from a screaming sponge*

*Runs back*

Sorry, my mistake, that was a Loofah, not _Uther_. I can't help it that I subconsciously refer to him as 'Uther the Loofah'. I really can't help it anymore! Anyway, back to what this review/summary fanfiction is _supposed _to be about. I'm not good at staying on topic if you hadn't already noticed. What, you didn't? Lies. All of it is Lies! LIES! Anyway, Mordred has a sword, and swings at Arthur. Merlin is _not _looking happy, and is probably having flashbacks to the flash-forward he saw in the magical pool. Hmm, if you have a flashback about a flash-forward, do they cancel each other out and just become a 'flash'? Anyway (off topic 3 times in one pretty small paragraph? That's got to be some sort of a record, even for me…) Arthur wins the fight, because Arthur is all sorts of epic.

Merlin claps (he looks pretty sad, truth be told, because _no-one else _is clapping! _No-one_!). But Arthur completely ignores Merlin, and makes me growl slightly. Yes, that's normal too. Trust me. Merlin's feeling jealous! Isn't he? Aw, let me hug him! What do you mean I can't? LET ME HUG HIM!

*Hugs computer*

It's not the same… :(

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur complements Mordred to Merlin (who still looks jealous as hell), and I resist the urge (with great effort) to stops sailing on the good ship Arwen, and move onto Arthur/Mordred. Arthur asks Merlin what a contra-thingy is, and Merlin describes it perfectly (I like to think that he's trying to show off to Arthur, as he's feeling left out of all the bromance that's been occurring during the episode so far. It'd be so easy to become a Merthur shipper right now, so very, very easy indeed…)

Arthur says some more things to make Merlin feel jealous, Merlin looks unhappy, and then Arthur chucks his dirty clothes into Merlin's face, interrupting his Pensive-Staring™. (I did the 'TM' thing all wrong in the last chapter, and I'm going to have to go back and edit it all over again. *Sigh*.)

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin whinges to Gaius for a bit, because Mordred is so perfect (Merlin's – paraphrased – words, not mine!), but Merlin saw Mordred kill Arthur in the future.

**GAIUS – **Have you ever seen him show anything but kindness towards Arthur?

Gah! Stop making it so hard to resist the urge to ship Arthur and Mordred? (Morthur?). I'm ARWEN dammit! Stop making me choose between the two!

**GAIUS – **He's a likeable boy Merlin.

**MERLIN – **I know, I like him myself.

GAH! GAIUS, STOP STEALING THE SLASH-DRAGON'S JOB!

*Tries (and probably fails) to get back on topic*

**GAIUS – **Seeing is not the same as knowing.

**ME – **Ah, but seeing _is _believing!

~~Tangential!~~

The knights (and their ridiculously overly long red capes) ride into Camelot. Then, Leon appears! (WOO! First Mordred, now Leon! All they've got to do is show me Percival's arms (sleeveless) and Gwaine in general, and I'll be happy as a duck with some bread – they're happy, right?). Leon walks into a (non-round table) meeting. Leon tells Arthur about Oscar/Osgar/Rugged Fellow who was sighted in a forest somewhere, who's also a sorcerer. According to Leon, they tried to catch him, but he used his powers to escape.

**ME AFTER HE SAID THAT – **HE'S GOT THE POWER!

**MY BROTHER WHO WAS TRYING TO WATCH THE SHOW NEXT TO ME - ***Winces in pain at my awful singing voice*

Oscar/Osgar/Rugged Fellow managed to kill a knight (whose name I cannot for the life of me recall, and I can't check Merlin wikia as I blocked it in an attempt to prevent procrastination over certain Geography projects due in on Monday…) Arthur decides to lead a patrol to capture Oscar/Osgar/Rugged Fellow. I should probably look up his name. *sigh* Why did I block it?

AH! Percival is sleeveless once more! Now all I need is Gwaine in general and I'll be content for the rest of the week!

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen asks whether Arthur has to go, (he doesn't but the series would be very boring if Arthur just stayed in the castle and ordered expendable knights around all day). Arthur says that he has to lead; otherwise the title of 'King' would be sort of pointless. Gwen points out that he nearly died last time (and only didn't due to extremely coincidental earthquakes which Merlin turned up during. No link at all between the two.)

**GWEN – **You have many fine men to avenge him!

**ME – **AVEEEEEEEEEENGE MEEEEEE!

**INCREASINGLY RILED YOUNGER BROTHER - ***Irritated glare*

Arthur says that he must go, but he'll be fine, due to the awesomeness of his Knights (and Merlin, but Arthur doesn't mention it). Then, there's a knock at the door, and Mordred appears!

HIS HAIR! :O

I'm sorry to say that I think I cheated on Gwaine's hair with Mordred's, and I'm not sure which of the two I should choose. THEY'RE BOTH SO WONDERFUL!

*Ahem*

Mordred comes in, and Arthur's says 'Why don't you come along on this jolly quest to capture a sorcerer which will most certainly _not _end well?' Then Mordred says 'Right ho chap! That'd be a grand old thing to do!'. Once again, my quoting is anything but accurate. Mordred looks all cute and adorable, and I resist the temptation to hug my computer again (with great difficulty).

~~Tangential!~~

GWAINE! HE'S HERE! I'm just going to leave, and go to my happy place for a day or so. I'll sit in the corner and gabble with glee for a few hours. All I need is for Leon to survive some near death experience and for Percival to actually get some _lines_. Gwaine and co tease Mordred… AND PERCIVAL HAS LINES! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS MERLIN EPISODE? Did the writers _read _my mind, and put in _everything _I wanted to happen? Right then, I want concerned Arthur and BAMF Merlin. _Now_. *watches the screen patiently*…

Merlin asks whether it might have been a tad foolhardy to bring Mordred along (He's just jealous though. Well _Merlin,_ maybe you'll let Gwaine hug you next time :() Arthur says that he had to give Mordred the chance, and they prepare to leave. Gwen asks Merlin to look after Arthur. (Because Arthur has a tendency to unleash evil spirits when left alone for extended periods of time.)

~~Tangential!~~

Forest! It's all green and everything! The knights are once again teasing Mordred, making him ride on the saddle backwards. 'Melding the saddle'. It's an ancient tradition, apparently. So new knights get teased endlessly and forced to do stupid things by immature people. Hmm, being a knight of Camelot seems an awful lot like being one of my friends…

A different bit of forest, and Gwaine calls the horses to stop. They get off (and Percival's _still _sleeveless *squee!*) and go to look for Oscar/Osgar/Rugged Fellow. I should probably decide on just the one name. Meh, too much effort. A shadow is on the horizon, and they all go after it.

Ooh, look! Elyan (the knight I keep forgetting about, I really need to stop that. All the other knights I can remember! There's Sleeveless Percival, OMG!-look-at-his-hair Mordred, how-the-_hell _-is-he-alive Leon and Gwaine's just… _Gwaine_. Elyan's Gwen's brother and all, but I need to think of a nice nickname. Hmm…) Anyhoo, Elyan and Gwaine close in on the sorcerer dude, who's drinking some water. They sneak up on him (pretty loudly to be honest – maybe he's deaf?) and then ask him who he is. The man announces himself as Osgar, and says that he has a message for Arthur. I don't think it's birthday greeting… (On an unrelated not, by the time this is up, it'll be my birthday! Woo!).

Elyan and Gwaine hold swords up to his neck. Rugged Fellow dislikes this. Rugged fellow pushes away swords with his fingers. Elyan and Gwaine re-apply swords to his neck. Rugged Fellows dislikes this even more.

NOT GWAINE! TAKE GAIUS INSTEAD! (Wow, I'm quoting my first chapter… Am I running out of things to say?). Gwaine stabs Rugged Fellow, because GWAINE IS COOOOOOOOL! Somehow, Rugged Fellow doesn't like this, and sends Gwaine and Elyan flying! No!

NOT GWAAAAAAAINE! Nooooooo! LOOK! GAIUS IS BEHIND YOU! PLEASE, JUST _TAKE HIM! _HE'S OLD, JUST _TAKE GAIUS INSTEAD!_

Sadly, Rugged Fellow does not believe my lies (or maybe he can't hear through a television set – actually, that's probably the more sensible answer…). Gwaine and Elyan are unconscious now, and Rugged Fellow staggers through the forest. But it's too late now, he's caught Convenientitus now, he's going to die for the sake of plot convenience, just like EPLI's father and the witch who gave Arthur his horn thingy. Prediction made!

He sees Merlin, Arthur and Mordred ahead.

NOOOOOOO! NOT MERLIN TOO!

Luckily, they turn in time to see him coming, and he collapses in front of Arthur. He says that he was sent by the Disir (the title of the episode :D) to pass judgement on Arthur Pendragon, the Once and Future King. He takes out the Galleon (The Coaster) and places it in Arthur's hands. It does look like he's paying Arthur, or maybe it's a birthday present (Note: I'm making all these references to birthdays for a reason, *cough**birthdaygreetingsordie**cough*. Nudge nudge, wink wink.)

Arthur reaches forward and takes it.

Idiot.

According to the Rugged Fellow, the old religion has waged war on Arthur, and they are not particularly happy with him for killing people who practice magic. I wouldn't be happy about it too, mind you…

**OSCAR/OSGAR/RUGGED FELLOW – **For even as Camelot flowers, the seeds of her destruction are being sown.

That, that's… THAT'S THE CREEPY CHAP'S LINE! :o

Merlin looks at him like WTH? (That's What The Hell, WTF's lesser known, less rude cousin). He also appears to recoil backwards slightly.

Rugged Fellow says that it's not too late, and that Arthur can still redeem himself. Now _Arthur _looks at Rugged Fellow like WTH?

**RUGGED FELLOW – **No further chance shall be given.

**ME – **Well _that's _a lie, he'll get another chance before the episode's over.

**RUGGED FELLOW – ***Dies*

CONVENIENTITUS STRIKES YET AGAIN! 'TIS LIKE A PLAGUE IN CAMELOT!

Merlin's still like WTH?

Arthur steps over the body, and looks at it like WTH?

Mordred's like WTH?

Mordred and Merlin look at each other and share a WTH? Look.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin builds a sandcastle. But out of stone, so it'd be a stone-castle instead. I'm pretty sure that that's just a _normal _castle though, and I don't think he's building one of those…

Anyway…

Mordred comes over, and talks to Merlin, and it turns out that Merlin's making a grave for the sorcerer. Mordred says that he would have done the same, as he was one of them. Merlin tells Mordred that one day they'll have freedom, and Mordred and Merlin stand side by side, and I watch and imagine the fanfictions that are currently being written. Freylin? Mergana? Merlithian? Merdred? WHY DO I SHIP MERLIN WITH SO MANY PEOPLE?

*sob*

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin heals Gwaine (because he can, and Gwaine is epic!) and then goes to chat with Arthur. Mordred complements Merlin (MERDRED SENSESORY OVERLOAD *fizzle*) and then they do a toast to Mordred, because why the hell not? Merlin congratulates him, but looks miserable, and returns to his natural state – pensive staring™. Arthur says he looks miserable, and that they should be happy. Merlin disagrees.

**MERLIN – **Osgar could have killed you.

**ARTHUR – **But he didn't, did he?

**ME - ***Sighs* Arthur, that really isn't the point Merlin's trying to make, he's trying to say that he let you live for some reason, and that reason is probably not a good one!

**MERLIN – **He was a sorcerer, it was quite within his power.

CALLED IT!

Merlin tries to get Arthur to worry about his Galleon/Coaster, but Arthur doesn't. Because he's a bit of an idiot sometimes (read: all the time).

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Camelot! Merlin's still miserable, despite Arthur's attempt at humour.

**ARTHUR – **See, you don't even laugh at my _jokes _anymore!

**ME – **That's because they're _not. Funny!_

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius! He's looking at the coaster, and Gaius tries to make Arthur worry about the rune-mark (which is the Galleon/Coaster.) Apparently, 3 women (sexism right there, why can't _men _do that job? Sexist old Old Religion *Teh!*) were trained to be seers, and interpret the word of a Triple Goddess. According to Gaius, the gods have judged Arthur and think that he's missing something. It means that he's fated to die! Aren't we all? I mean, we're all going to die now…

Gaius says that he has to repent and appease the Gods to stop himself from dying.

**ARTHUR – **You don't believe any of this? Gaius?

**GAIUS – **I am an old man, sire –

**ME - ***Snort* Hell yeah you are!

**YOUNGER BROTHER WHO LOOKS READY TO THROW SOMETHING AT ME - ***Glares*

**ME – **Fine, I'll shut up then…

Anyway, Gaius more or less says that he _does _believe that Arthur's going to die now. Crap.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur questions Merlin about his Kingdom. And I answer too (to the irritation of my little brother, who is still glaring at me.)

**ARTHUR – **Have I not made Camelot a fairer and more just kingdom?

**ME - ***Snort* Hell no, magic's still illegal!

**MERLIN – **You have, my lord.

**ARTHUR – **Have I not rid it of the cruelties and injustices of the past?

**ME – ***Snorts again* No! Magic. Illegal. Still!

**MERLIN – **You have.

**ARTHUR – **I am not my father.

**ME – **Obviously… But magic's _still _illegal!

**MERLIN – **No.

**ARTHUR – **Then why do they judge me so?

**ME – ***facepalm*. MAGIC. ILLEGAL. STILL! It's not hard to understand!

Arthur asks Merlin why they're judging him, and Merlin says that 'Judgement is wasted on a man who won't listen'. According to Merlin, Arthur needs to take them seriously, and also he thinks that Arthur _is _taking it seriously already.

~~Tangential!~~

MERLIN! DRAGONY TIME!

Yay!

Waaaaaaait a second, I'm trying to stop myself shipping Mordred/Arthur and Arthur/Merlin (Merlin/Mordred's fine though…), the Slash Dragon is _not _going to help matters, is it? Merlin asks what Arthur's fate is, to which the Slash Dragon replies that the Galleon/Coaster predicts Arthur's death, but the Dragon refuses to tell Merlin _when _Arthur's death has been predicted to be. I'm not sure if he doesn't actually _know _when Arthur's going to die, or if he's just being infuriating. I'm sticking with the second one.

Merlin asks about Mordred.

Not a good idea, the Slash Dragon will just ask Merlin to kill Mordred.

**SLASH DRAGON – **His fate and Arthur's are bound together like ivy round a tree.

Wha- like an embrace? DAMMIT, I TRY HARD NOT TO SHIP IT! The ships are EVERYWHERE!

It's like being in the middle of the _bloody English Channel!_

ARRRRRRG!

The Slash Dragon talks some more, but it can be summed up in three words.

Kill. Mordred. Now.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur's playing with the Galleon/Coaster when Gwen comes in, bringing food. I'm hungry now…

*Stomach grumbles*

Arthur basically repeats everything Merlin said to Gwen, trying to convince her that Merlin's right.

**ARTHUR – **Why would a sorcerer pity a king?

BECAUSE YOU SUCK!

~~Tangential!~~

The door knocks, and Merlin comes out of his room. Hang on, why does _Merlin _have a room, but Gaius doesn't have one? Is it just because Merlin's awesome? Why did Gaius give his room to Merlin? Weird. Merlin's not wearing a neckerchief for once, and Gaius is wearing a NIGHTDRESS! *Giggles immaturely*. Arthur asks where the Disir can be found, because he wants to chat with them about his impending death.

Gaius says they divine using a pool, and my first mental image is of Arthur diving off a diving bored into a swimming pool. My mind has not had enough sleep. Gaius knows all, and tells Arthur where they need to go. They plan to leave in an hour, because EVERYTHING HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW!

~~Tangential!~~

They're preparing the horses, and Mordred asks Arthur if he can come to (sounding eerily similar to me when I was younger, asking whether I could go see a 12A film when I was 11…). Merlin keeps staring at Mordred (Merdred… Ahh!) DON'T KILL HIM MERLIN! HAVEN'T YOU _HEARD _OF SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECIES? YOU ENCOUNTERED THEM WITH MORGANA AND THE DRAGON, DON'T _IGNORE _THEM! YOU'LL MAKE THEM HAPPEN!

Rant over now.

~~Tangential!~~

The horses ride across landscapes, and then they enter a new bit of forest. (Render Distance – Short. MINECRAFT JOKE!) The knights and Merlin wander towards a creepy cave, and Merlin points out that the cave is sacred, and that they should leave their weapons behind, because sacred caves are allergic to weapons. As usual, Merlin's going to turn out to be right, and Arthur's going to look like an idiot, as he'll ignore Merlin's advice.

Arthur ignores Merlin, and says that that idea is ridiculous.

Called it! They enter a cave, with weird Deathly Hallows Symbols/Blair Witch project things hanging from the ceiling. Arthur pushes his way through them, like an idiot, then…

PERCIVAL! HOW _DARE _YOU!

Percival yanks one off and then _stomps _on it! HOW _DARE _YOU!

*Mutters to herself for a good few minutes*

Soon, they're in a deeper bit of the cave, where the three people wearing Hoodies stand side by side, looking incredibly creepy, if I do say so myself. I wonder if they all talk at the same time too…

Arthur announces himself, and then chucks the coin at the three people (or at least at the _ground _by the three people's feet.)

The middle Hoodie lady looks up slowly, turning to face Arthur, and then says:

**HOODIE LADY 1 – **TAILS!

OK, that didn't happen.

Instead, all three of them talk more or less as one (called it), and say that they didn't judge him, and that the Triple Goddess (which sounds like the name of some cheesy casino) judges, and they just pass on the results.

**HOODIE LADY 1 – **Who presides over all.

**HOODIE LADY 3 – **Who sees all.

**HOODIE LADY 2 – **Who _knows _all.

**ALL HOODIES – **THE TRIPLE GODDESS.

That was just plain _creepy._

They tell Arthur that he's angered the Triple Goddess.

**ARTHUR – **How so? Have I not been an honourable king?

**ME – **No.

**ARTHUR – **Have I not made Camelot a fair and just kingdom?

**ME – **No and no again.

Apparently by getting rid of sorcery and the Old Religion, he's causing the destruction of Camelot, his reign and 'all that he holds most dear'. Does that include Merlin? If it does, I'll punch someone. He's annoyed because he's being judged by someone who doesn't know him, but according to the Hoodies, he _is _known, and the Triple Goddess is not pleased. Why? Because he didn't listen to Merlin. He brought weapons into the sacred area, and the Hoodies are not pleased with him. (He ignored Merlin's advice, and now looks like the idiot he is. Called it!)

Gwaine does not like Arthur being spoken to like that, and steps forward to attack, but the Hoodies do first, sending him flying backwards.

Gwaaaaaaaine!

They then send a bolt at Arthur, but Mordred jumps in the way first (WHY DO YOU MAKE IT SO HARD NOT TO SHIP THEM?!).

Mordreeeeeeed!

They pick up Mordred, and carry him out, not after Merlin looks at the Hoodies in a Pensive-Staring™ way.

~~Tangential!~~

Outside again, and Mordred is injured, Merlin can't heal him, but if they take him back, then Gaius might be able to. Also, when did Merlin start calling Arthur 'Sire'? It's beginning to peeve me. Arthur is Pensive-Staring™ too, because he let Mordred come, and he thinks that he shouldn't have.

~~Tangential!~~

In Camelot again, and Merlin watches as Gaius looks over Mordred (and Arthur watches too). Mordred is dying, apparently because it was a magical spear, not a normal one. Gaius thinks that only magic can save him.

**GAIUS – **Only your magic can save him Merlin.

**MERLIN – **I cannot save the life of a man destined to kill Arthur.

_MERLIN!_ Where's your cute, loving side gone? Self-fulfilling prophecies! HEAL HIM! NOW!

Gaius agrees me.

**GAIUS – **What happened to the young boy who came into my chambers just a few years ago?

**MERLIN – **He grew up.

Awwwwwww…

(But if growing up means that you have to let people with awesome hair die, then I want you to grow back down again. _NOW!_)

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen tries to comfort Arthur, but it doesn't work that well, as Arthur is exceptionally good at making himself feel guilty. Merlin is too. Gwen says that if Mordred hadn't gone, then Arthur could be there instead. Somehow, I think that Arthur might have preferred it if he _was _the one in there. I think it would have made everything a lot easier, as Merlin could have healed him and then they could have had a party! Everything would have been a lot easier. Ah! A little plot bunny just attacked me! What if _Merlin _had been the one to jump in front of the poison-spear? Feel free to claim that plot bunny, it needs a home :(.

Merlin and Gaius come in, and say that the only way to heal him would be if the Hoodies let him heal, so (of course) Arthur decides to return to the place and try and get them to counteract the sorcery.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin and Arthur are a-riding, and after a few scenery shots, they've arrived at the cave. Merlin talks to Arthur, about why he's doing this. Arthur says that he'd do it for any knight.

**MERLIN – **So not for me?

**ME – ***Snort* (I do that way too often…) Yes he would, remember way back in Series 1? Poisoned Chalice?

Arthur says he'd do it for Merlin too, (BUT THERE IS NO HUG :(). Arthur says that Mordred saved his life, so he owes him a debt. He also asks about what greater debt there could be. Merlin talks about debt to his people and his destiny, and Arthur says that if it's fated, it won't matter _what _he does.

**MERLIN – **There is a difference between fate and destiny.

**ME – **There is?

Sadly, Merlin doesn't explain more, so I'll never know what the difference between destiny and fate is. EVER! Do any of you know what the difference is? Because it's going to bother me until I can work out what it is! ARRRRRRRG BBC! Why don't you answer _your own questions? _

~~Tangential!~~

When they reach the cave entrance, this time, Arthur _isn't _a prat, and he leaves his sword behind, like Merlin _asked _him to do last time they came to this place.

**ARTHUR – **I'm not totally insensitive Merlin, I can see that some people feel this is a sacred place.

_Reeeeeeally…_

~~Tangential!~~

Back in the cave, and this time Arthur dodges the Deathly Hallows Symbols/Blair Witch project thingy, and they reach the Hoodies at the end of the cave, where the old people are standing and watching him. They're _judging you_ Arthur, as I am doing so too…

Wow, do they just _stand _there all day? Doing nothing but standing there, in the same place all day, hoping that Arthur will turn up? What if he didn't? Would they just stand there forever until they die of old age?

Anyway…

They say they've been 'expecting him', and I can't help but imagine them sitting on a chair and stroking a white fluffy cat. "Ah, King Arthur, I've been expecting you…" I blame James Bond. It's _all _his fault. All of it. Even that tomato ketchup stain on the carpet over there. What do you mean, you hadn't noticed it before? Well, I hadn't noticed it either… *shifty eyes*

Got to stop going off topic. Arthur kneels down, and asks for forgiveness, and asks whether they would let Mordred live. They tell him that his future hold suffering (that's just a horrible thing to do. If you can tell what's going to happen in the future, you don't _tell _someone if their future's going to be bad! Gah!)

OOOOOOOH! They tell Arthur that he needs to embrace the Old Religion if he wants to save Mordred! THAT'S SO COOL! But, wait, does that mean that Merlin's going to have to tell Arthur that magic is evil? Again? _Again?_

Arthur says he can't do that, and the Hoodies tell him he has until dawn.

~~Tangential!~~

Night-time in the forest!

**ARTHUR – **How did you know this place was sacred?

Are we finally going to see some suspicious Arthur? Please? I want to see suspicious Arthur! I _know _he's Oblivious Arthur, but it can't hurt for him to be suspicious some of the time at least!

Merlin says that it's obvious.

Arthur says that it isn't, and asks Merlin to explain.

**MERLIN – **Everything here is so full of life, every tree, every leaf, every insect. It's as if the world is vibrating. As if everything is much more than itself.

Wow, he did everything short of standing up and singing 'Colours of the Wind' there.

Arthur, apparently, does _not _feel any of that. Because he's an oblivious prat.

**ARTHUR – **You feel all that?

**MERLIN – **Don't you?

Awk-ward…

Merlin goes to sit down, and asks what Arthur will do, regarding the whole 'Save Mordred and Bring back magic' or 'Let Mordred die and Magic stay outlawed'. Arthur says that his heart wants him to save Mordred, but he's not sure if he should bring magic back. He hasn't really had much look at the good of magic, has he? Just evil sorcerers trying to kill him, or evil sisters betraying him. You know what Merlin? You should tell him that _you _have magic. Now.

Please. Reveal. _Now_.

**ARTHUR – **What would you do?

Oh. Merlin has to convince Arthur that magic is evil (called it). Aw… Poor Merlin. He's practically been _handed _the ability to reveal himself and let magic return, but if he does then Arthur might die! He has to choose between magic (his freedom and destiny) and Arthur (his friend and destiny)! MERLIN, LET ME HUG YOU NOW!

Merlin looks really anxious, and doesn't answer, while Arthur argues for letting magic back, so Mordred can live. Merlin prattles on about destiny (looking really sad and angsty all the while. Aw.) and about letting Arthur be the king that he wants to be.

**ARTHUR – **If I _do _save Mordred, all my father's work will be for nothing. Sorcery will reign once more in Camelot. Is that what you'd want?

SAY YES MERLIN! SAY YES! SCREW MORDRED _MAYBE _MURDERING ARTHUR! LET MAGIC BACK! REVEAL! REVEAL! _REVEAAAAAAAL! _

Merlin is still looking in two minds, and I want to give him another hug – but then Arthur says this.

**ARTHUR – **Perhaps my father was wrong, perhaps the old ways aren't as evil as we thought. So what should we do? Accept magic? Or let Mordred die?

Can I just take a moment to point out how Arthur says 'we'? Instead of what should _I _do, he asks what they should do together. Aw! I WANT BROMANCE SO BAD IT HURTS! AND I WANT SOMEONE TO HUG MERLIN! SOMEONE! _ANYONE!_

Merlin always gets the bad luck in these things…

Merlin's crying now, and I think I've got something in my eye *sniff*. Nothing at all… I just want a hug… SOMEBODY HUG ME! PLEASE! *Opens virtual arms in desperate search for an e-hug!*

**MERLIN – **There can be no place for magic in Camelot.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO00000000000OOOO ooooooOOOoooOOOOOOOOOOO00000 0OoooooOOOOOOOOOO00OO00Ooooo ooooOOooooooooooooooooooOOOO OOOOOOOO0000000OOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOoooooooooooO000OOOOOOo ooooooooooo0000ooooooOOOOOOO Oooo.

WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST SAID 'DO IT!' MERLIN! NOW I ACTUALLY _AM _CRYING!

*Takes a minute to regain control of tear ducts*

I knew this was coming, but it still hurts. Poor, poor Merlin…

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the cave, they meet the Hoodies, who ask for his decision. Arthur tells them he can't do what they ask him to do. They tell him that he has sealed his fate, and that bad things will happen to him, and his kingdom. And then they all say 'farewell Arthur Pendragon' at the same time.

**ME – **Well _that's _just unnecessarily creepy…

~~Tangential!~~

On the horses, Merlin tells Arthur that he did the right thing, even though Arthur still feels guilty. I wonder how Arthur's supposed to die, and Camelot fall to ruin if…

_Oh_…

They saved Mordred, didn't they?

_That's _how they sealed his fate.

Poor Merlin, he did all that for _no reason at all._

Can I hug him yet?

~~Tangential!~~

Back in Camelot, and they get off their horses, and Merlin turns to see Mordred, and the WTF (Yup, going for the ruder of the two cousins here, WTH is not needed here!) look on his face is unbelievable. Mordred steals Merlin's bromance hug from Arthur *growls* as the music becomes darker.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius and Merlin talk, and Gaius tries to reassure Merlin that he's not to blame for it. The Disir let Mordred live so he could kill Arthur in the future, and now Merlin's going to feel _extra _guilty if Arthur dies. WHY CAN'T I HUG HIM?! *Hugs computer again*.

Mordred's going to kill Arthur.

**MERLIN – **And there's nothing I can do to prevent it. Nothing.

'**MERLIN!'**

**NEXT TIME!**

Morgana peeks out from a tree as Gwen rides, and knocks her off the horse, while Arthur asks where she is. Morgana then quotes saw, as Merlin rolls down a hill to his (almost) death. Someone's caught in Devil's snare, and Elyan's almost stabbed. There's a semi-bald girl, and Gwen's is a creepy place. SUDDENLY, YELLING! Elyan dodges a bolt, as Gwen screams and Elyan fights a ghost.

**GWEN – **Whatever twisted game you're playing, I want no part in it.

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 5. (50 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 5. AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM A HUG NOW!**

**Predictions that came true: Mordred almost won against Arthur, but that's really it. I'm really bad at guessing, aren't I?**

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: WHERE THE RUDDY **_**HELL **_**IS MERLIN'S HUG! IF HE DOESN'T GET IT SOON I WILL ENTER THE BBC'S STUDIO AND SCREAM AT THE PRODUCERS! JUST ONE **_**BLOODY **__**HUG! **_**I'VE WAITED ALL. FRIGGING. **_**SERIES! **_

***Tries to calm down***

**The coin to give Arthur magic thing was wrong, as was a near death experience for Merlin. No Merlin whump here. *sigh*.**

**Predictions for next episode: Morgana will kidnap Gwen, and tell Arthur to come to a certain place in order to find her. On the way will be a series of traps. One of the traps will be walking across a sandy hill, and Merlin will slip and almost get impaled on a sword. Arthur will shout "MERLIN!" very loud at this point. They will make it to a creepy castle, where they'll get separated (because that happens way too often on Merlin). Elyan will fight the sword ghost, and Percival will get hurt somehow. Merlin will use magic to destroy one of the traps, making it look like someone else destroyed it, and they'll get all the credit. Sadly, Morgana will **_**not **_**know about Merlin's magic, despite getting chucked against a wall by Merlin not one episode ago. Sigh. Oh, also, MERLIN BETTER GET THAT HUG BEFORE I PEE ON MY COMPUTER! AARAVUOY8T4E9-B 8P\ruio;wqpv-q=**

**E5b87**

***Accidentally opens Internet Explorer***

**Great. Now I have to wait for Internet Explorer to load so I can close it again! Why do I still __****have ****Internet Explorer? Chrome all the way!**

* * *

See you next week, where I'll try not to wreak my PC out of irritation at the lack of hugs. Also, wish me happy birthday or die a slow and painful death! Yay!

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(That wasn't a joke. I know where you live.)


	6. Dark Tower

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Next week time! AND IT'S TIME FOR MERLIN! (Blame tumblr) I've started to watch SUPERNATURAL! In the last day I've got to S1E7! Do any of you watch Supernatural? I watched it because tumblr kept telling me about Superwholock and Superwholockingers. Though the second one was just DeviantArt. SUPERWHOLOCKINGERS (Supernatural, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Merlin and the Avengers. It is _good!_)

Back to Merlin now.

i've been looking forward to this episode, because of blatant hints towards people dying and angst. Yes, I know that there's been a lot (read: too much) angst in these last few Merlin episodes, but… meh. Merlin can do _whatever it wants _and I'll be (mostly) happy. I've been waiting so long for this, and it's passed the halfway point of the current Series (I think.) Also, for my birthday I got Merlin series 4, so I got to rewatch many older episodes :D. Also, I wrote a new ficlet for Merlin, called 'Trust Issues'. It started off angsty, but got more than slightly cracky as time went on. *Sigh*. 'Tis the curse of certain fanfiction writers, the inability to write certain genres. ONE DAY I SHALL WRITE ANGSTY FICS! ONE DAY! MY DAY WILL COME _ONE DAY!_

*Ahem*

So, read 'Trust Issues' maybe?

Let us never mention that incident again.

* * *

**Last time – **Um, there were creepy chanty people, and Mordred (*Sigh of contentness*) and Mordred got hit by something pokey, which caused him to be in the process of dying. That was not good, and Merlin failed to see that, which was totally not OK, because people with cool hair (read: Mordred. No, not Gaius, and _never _Gaius) are not allowed to just _die _like that! Seriously! Merlin had to tell Arthur magic was evil to save his life (which was a stupid, stupid plan, and led to many fanfictions where Merlin was not an utter clotpole and _told _Arthur to bring magic back.) Mordred lived anyway, which is good, or I'd have had a massive temper tantrum and broken the TV. Merlin was unhappy, I was happy. Lots of angst and Merlin feels.

Currently, I am waiting for iPlayer to put up this episode of Merlin, and I am continually refreshing the page *growl of irritation*. How long does it take?

An odd thing I've noticed whilst refreshing the page is that the name of the episode changed, from 'A Lesson in Vengeance' to 'Dark Tower'. Odd. It was definitively 'Dark Tower' originally, so why did it say 'A Lesson in Vengeance' at one point? I may never know. :(

Actually, I will know. I was an idiot, and misread _next week's _episode as _this week's _episode. Sigh.

It takes INSERT TIME HERE minutes to _finally _get uploaded onto iPlayer, and I think I might have gone mad with waiting in that time period. Any longer and I would be rocking backwards and forwards, weeping openly. But it's here now, and that's all that matters. Mostly.

FINALLY! IT IS UP!

Time to watch!

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

Flowers. They're so pretty! Aw, I want flowers from my boyfriend. Or just flowers. Or just a boyfriend. I JUST FEEL SO ALONE! A FRIEND WOULD DO THE JOB JUST FINE! MY ONLY FRIEND IS MY PET ROCK!

**ME – **You'll always love me Greg, won't you?

**GREG THE ROCK – **

**ME – **Me too Greg, me too.

*Hugs pet rock*

Anyway.

Gwen and Elyan are standing by a rock-castle, lying flowers on it. Merlin must have started a phase last episode with his making of that rock-castle with Mordred. Everyone's making rock-castles now, sand castles are _way _overrated! Maybe I can add Greg to the top of the pile, Greg would like that, wouldn't he! *Hugs Greg one more* Gwen and Elyan do some Pensive-Staring™ at the rock-castle, and muse over the incredibly high levels of angst that have been present in the last few episodes of Merlin. OK, that's a lie, but I did. Why do the writers keep making Merlin so angsty! Remember when Merlin was a family show? Do you? Yeah, well it sure as hell won't be any more. All they need now is a sex scene, Merlin dropping something on his toe and yelling "f**k!" and Gwen betraying Arthur and stabbing him to death in his sleep.

~~Tangential!~~

Knights are riding, minus Arthur, and they're a-discussing! Gwen thinks her father would be proud of Elyan, and not just because he's a Knight. Because of 'the man he's become'. Ah, the cringe-worthy cheese phrases that Merlin gives us… I will be telling my brother I'm proud of 'the man he's become' on his Christmas card, and you can't do anything to stop me! According to Gwaine, Elyan is something of a ladies man! I keep forgetting Elyan, so maybe this'd be something for me to remember him by. Muscly Percival, Drunk Gwaine, Immortal Leon and Flirty Elyan. Elyan doesn't get as much screen-time as the other Knights, does he? Maybe this episode shallt be the episode of Elyan!

Elyan is in love, apparently, but refuses to tell Gwen who. Because siblings are like that.

The Knights poke fun at Gwaine.

**ELYAN – **But he told you who Gwaine's in love with?

**GWEN – **Himself?

True.

AND ME, I AM SURE HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME! Try to deny it and I'll bite you. I have pointy teeth. Gwaine and Leon are MINE!

Cuts to Morgana watching them pass. She pokes her head around the tree in such a way that I half-expect her to say 'Peek-a-boo'. And then smirk. Because that's what Morgana does! She's a fully-fledged Smirking machine!

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana is heading towards some grass, and does some magic to it! Which causes the grass to emit some sort of fog-of-doom. Which is not good, definitely not good. Fog is _bad _on any TV show, especially Merlin. Morgana then smirks at the misty grass and rides off away from it, to watch from afar. The foggy grass is definitely not going to have _anything _good in it at all. NOTHING!

By now, it has stopped smoking, and is simply hissing instead. Told you it'd be bad (called it). The snakes are hissing, and I shall name him Hissy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Hissy! The other one's called Fangs and the third one's called Albert. Hissy, Fangs and Albert go up to the Knights, and hiss at their horses, causing them to 'neigh' in shock. I don't like horses. I'm allergic. Horses make me sneeze.

Ooh, the snakes look _exactly _the same as the snakes from Valliant's shield, from the second ever Merlin episode! Really, look at them! The BBC really like re-using old footage, don't they!

Hissy and Fangs hiss at Leon's horses, and it goes up and nooooooo!

LEEEEEEEON!

(If those snakes kill – no, hang on, he's immortal. He'll be totally OK. If he isn't, my personal head canon will be completely and utterly destroyed.)

Hissy crawls over Leon, and Elyan tells Gwen to run for it. Another hiss from Albert, and Percival falls of his horse. And the only thing going through my head is:

_These Knights fall like Dominoes! _

My mind is a very warped place.

Gwaine doesn't fall off, because Gwaine is awesome.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is riding away, because running away is a very good thing to do. Except I saw the trailer for this, so I know that this will not end well. Gwen will be pulled off her horse by Morgana, because Morgana sucks and is evil. (Except when she's with Merlin, because I _still _ship Mergana, despite the fact it'll probably never happen.)

Gwen turns and sees Morgana, and rides away. Morgana stretches her hand out and just pulls her off, before walking ominously towards her.

Cue ominous statement:

**MORGANA – **Sleep, my lady, for it could be some time before you do so again.

That's not good.

~~Tangential!~~

For this week's intro music, imagine me singing the word 'Into music' along to it. Here are the words, you think up the tune:

_I-I-I-Intro Mu-u-u-u-u-u-sic!_

_INTRO-DU-U-CES ME-ER-ER-ER-LIN !_

_Because this show, is co-ol !_

_I-I-I-Intro Music!_

_I-I-I-Intro Music!_

_I-I-I-Intro Mu-u-u-u-u-u-sic!_

_Re-jo-oi-oice, Mer-lin-is-a-here!_

Because I sung that to the theme music, so you should have to do it too. Now. I shall know if you have not completed this solemn task.

~~Tangential!~~

Percival! Leon! Why must you be unconscious! Merlin goes off to get stuff to help them recover, because if either of them die, I will throttle Gaius in his sleep. Or maybe even when he's awake, I'm not that picky. Arthur bursts in, and Elyan tells them they found Hissy, Fangy and Albert, and they attacked them. Arthur asks where Gwen is.

The Knights look around like 'Awk-ward!'.

They forgot her, didn't they? First Merlin in the second episode, then Gaius two episodes ago… They're following a pattern! Every two episodes, they abandon a main character! That means that in 2 episodes, it is likely that Gwaine and/or Leon will be abandoned to die. I predict it!

Arthur looks stressed, because his one love is missing! Merlin runs after him, because that's the awesome bro-ship that they possess! (Though they really need to have more hugs or I will enter the Merlinverse and threaten Gwen's death if they do not have a bromance hug.)

**ARTHUR – **We ride at dawn.

No they don't, they'll ride at noon, because the sun is messed up in Camelot, and it's way too bright for it to be dawn when they leave. Arthur storms ahead, and Merlin looks around to see Elyan, who's Pensive-Staring™ at a wall. That's becoming a theme. They've got a lot of Pensive-Staring™ in this series, along with a helluva lot of fireside conversations, where people are emotional. Bet that happens this episode.

~~Tangential!~~

According to Gaius' hair of power, Leon has dark magic in his veins. BUT HE WILL SURVIVE, OR ELSE MY HEAD-CANON SHALL PERISH WITH HIM :O It's sorcery, so Morgana. Merlin says they were lucky, because they should be dead, but Gaius has to be a party pooper, and say that there's more to it than just luck. Which is true, because they weren't counting on Leon's inability to stay dead for extended periods of time. (Percival? Well, his muscles might have something to do with it. What? No idea, stop asking me questions! Greg doesn't ask me questions,*hugs pet rock*)

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin's in Arthur's chambers, and Arthur is not happy.

**ARTHUR – **Learn to knock, will you?

He did! He kept knocking last episode, and I got all irritated about it, because Merlin _doesn't _knock! So, sometime between the last few episodes, Merlin learnt to knock, then promptly forgot how to knock! He's got _amnesia!_ WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS EPISODE!?

I predict that I'll be saying that a lot this episode.

A _lot_.

Merlin tells Arthur that Leon and Percival are safe (*sighs in relief*). Arthur says it's good news, but he resumes his Pensive-Staring™ into the mirror in front of him (third time! I think I'll count up the number of time that's happened this series!)

**MERLIN – **Gaius suspects Morgana is involved.

Of _course _Morgana is involved! Morgana is always involved! (Unless Arthur's been an idiot and summoned his dead father from beyond the grave, then she's mysteriously absent from the episode.)

Arthur tells Merlin to go, but Merlin stays, and promises to Arthur that they'll find her, and extends a hand.

AND THEY DO A BRO-SHAKE! (It's almost as good as a hug. Almost. Honestly, if I get a _reveal _before Merlin gets a hug, I will bite something. Which isn't edible.)

At 'dawn' tomorrow, the horsies ride out (It's not dawn. The shadows are too downwards-y for dawn, it's probably about 10 o'clock, and that's only dawn in Scotland. Then again, when has Merlin ever followed geography? I still haven't gotten over those fricking ridiculous glaciers in the first and second episode. How many times do I have to say it? Wales. Does. _Not. Have. GLACIERS!_ *Growls*

And _that_ is why pedantic pricks such as myself should not ever watch television. I watch TV like this.

**ME – **That's IMPOSSIBLE! GAH! Screw _imagination _and _artistic license_, I want _logic!_

And that's normally when Greg-the-pet-rock gets chucked at the TV.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is having a nice nap, but Morgana's there, so she won't let Gwen have a lie-in. Sounds like my mum. *Mutters about how lie-in are incredibly important, so _there_*. Morgana being there is _not _good, or to use the French, _pas bien! _Why did I use French? No idea! Why did I ask myself that? Who knows! Why am I going off on a Tangent for no reason? Heaven only knows, but you clicked on something called 'Tangential', so _you'll _have to deal with the consequences!

Anyway.

Morgana has tied Gwen up, and Gwen asks what she wants from her.

**MORGANA – **I thought we could play a little game.

Gah! MORGANA! Stop quoting popular culture! Saw wasn't around then, and so that was an inaccurate quote! GAH!

Apparently the game is 'How much does Arthur love you?' which sounds like something you might find on Channel 4 (In-joke for all British people :D) Gwen thinks Morgana's game sucks (though it's better than Monopoly. Games of monopoly always end with me stealing money and claiming that it's a 'Banker's Bonus'. At least _I _don't steal Old Kent Road, and then go mysteriously deaf when confronted about it.)

**GWEN – **He's not stupid.

**ME - ***Snorts* That's debatable.

He still hasn't realised Merlin has magic yet! I mean, come on! Merlin turns up, order is resumed! It's _obvious!_

~~Tangential!~~

The Knights have arrived, and have found Gwen's horse, which is standing still. It must have stood there all night (do horses do that? I don't know.) They follow the tracks, eastwards, and ride on. Up very steep slopes, which seem sort of impossible to ride up, if I'm honest.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is being pulled along by Morgana's horse, which means the Knights should catch up with them pretty soon. Gwen trips, and Morgana comes over with the flask of water. And all I can think is 'DON'T DRINK IT! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE FLASK MERLIN POISONED MORGANA WITH! D;' Morgana offers it to Gwen, but Gwen says she wants nothing from Morgana. Gwen says no again, and Morgana pours the water away.

Hehehe, the stream of water looks like pee.

:D

(I'm so immature. I'm 16, and I'm giggling like crazy over the word _pee_.)

Morgana rides on, and Gwen is pulled to her feet.

~~Tangential!~~

The Knights are riding now, and that's all that happens this scene.

~~Tangential!~~

WHAT THE RUDDY HELL!

WHAT.  
THE.  
RUDDY.  
_HELL!_

_GAUFHI PFrfdfPDDA WAFOo'pwet 9o000000000000000000c _

*Deep breaths* *Closes Norton again – I'm sure I uninstalled it…*

THERE. ARE. _DEFINITELY. NO. __**RUDDY. **__**DESERTS. **__**IN **__**RUDDY WALES!**_

_**GAH!**_

_**FIRST THE GLACIERS, AND NOW **__**THIS?**_

GAH!

*More deep breathes*

Why. _Why! _I bet the BBC knows how much this Geographical-inaccuracy irritates me, and that's why they're doing it. *Grumbles* Morgana is leading her towards the pointy building.

~~Tangential!~~

Knights, and it's getting dark, and although Arthur wants them to keep going to find Gwen, Percival and co decide that they should camp for the night. Merlin has to go after him to talk to him (Does this mean hug? Does it?). Arthur Pensive-Stares™ at the hills, in longing. Maybe he's in love with the hills. *Gasp* Maybe he's having an affair with the hills! ARTHUR!

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Gwen, who's going up a twisty tower, which is not going to be full of nice things. Not good at all.

**GWEN – **Where are you taking me?

**MORGANA – **You'll find out.

It's not going to be good, and it's _certainly _not going to be full of prancing kittens and unicorns and rainbows. Probably. Unless Morgana's going for the tactic of confusing your enemy so much they just throw themselves out the nearest window. That might actually work.

Morgana opens the door to a creepy room, and then slams the door shut on Gwen.

Rude.

It's _way _too quiet, something is going to _happen!_

SCREAM!

(Called it!)

~~Tangential!~~

_More _Pensive-Staring™ GAH! Elyan's looking sad, so Arthur goes over to talk with him. Is this going to be _another _heartfelt fireside conversation? Really? Be _original _BBC Merlin! Elyan's feeling guilty because he left Gwen, but Arthur tries to reassure him that he's done nothing wrong. Also, _finally _an Elyan scene! I don't think there's been one, ever!

**ELYAN – **She _raised _me.

**ME – **UP! SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAINS!

The temptation to sing that. Over_whelming!_

~~Tangential!~~

The Knights are sleeping in a circle of bromance!

AH!

LEON! WHAT THE _HELL!_

Leon wakes up screaming, and I can't go hug him :(

He also wakes _everyone _else up, and they're all like, WHAT! WHO'S ATTACKING US! AHHH!

Also. This. This is a slightly edited version of the next few lines.

**LEON – **Everything in its shadow was dead.

And the sound, it was like children screaming.

**PERCIVAL – **And the rain that fell was like blood.

I was lost in a forest and the trees had claws,

And when I finally escaped it there was a plain.

**LEON – **Empty as far as the eye could see, except…

**PERCIVAL – **Rising into the sky was a black pillar of stone.

**LEON – **A tower so dark, it could swallow the sun.

LEON AND PERCIVAL! SHIP IT! SHIP IT LIKE A PRO! It's true love! They finish each other's sentences! Also, have you noticed that they just did poetry. POETRY! LEON DID POETRY! :D LEON! POETRY! GAH! Lercival? Peon? I'm going with Peon, because it sounds like Pee-on. Hehehe, I'm immature.

According to Arthur, they're talking about the 'Dark Tower' which can bring doom to all that hear its name.

#Sombermood.

Then, Gwaine happens.

**GWAINE – **I was having a dream about eating a cheese that tasted of apple pie. Anyone else have that dream?

**OTHER KNIGHTS AND MERLIN **– *Looks of 'What?'*

**GWAINE – **You're all missing out.

LET ME LOVE YOU GWAINE! *Tries to hug through computer screen, but fails, massively.*

Arthur goes to talk to Merlin, and asks what the dream (and poetry, too, probably) might have been about. Merlin thinks Morgana might have planted the dream, to lead Arthur to the tower, and it's probably a trap. But Arthur'll go anyway, because reasons.

~~Tangential!~~

Drippy Mandrake (Ooh, call back to the episode where 'The Loofah' goes mad, Series 3 Episode 1!) Ew, it's dripping gunk on Gwen. Ew. Gwen looks about like 'what?' and then the weird screaming starts, and a SHADOW APPEARS!

~~Tangential!~~

Morning at the Knights, and Arthur tells the rest of the Knights that he's going to the Dark Tower, and he'll be doing it alone.

Alone means 'with Merlin' right?

Elyan calls Arthur out on his bullcrap, and says he's coming too. I'd punch him if he didn't come, because Gwen _is _his sister. All the other Knights say they want to come as well, and Merlin. Also, aw at Merlin saying he'll come, mixed with the wonderful music that plays at that moment! DOUBLE AW!

~~Tangential!~~

Was that a short scene, or did I not write that much? Probably the later. CUE RE-USE OF THE _SAME BLOODY SCENES _of Knights riding across grass and through forests n' stuff. Seriously, I recognise some of those shots. Soon they've arrived at near the forest, and the creepy tower (and GEOGRAPHICALLY INACCURATE DESERT! GAH!). The pointy building is in the middle, and is the Dark Tower. To get there they have to go through the 'Impenetrable Forest'. Who names these places? It's like calling a valuable element 'IMPOSSIBLETOFINDIUM!' and then expecting to find it. Sheesh. Idiot map-makers.

And so the Knights ride on!

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to hacking through the forest which look more like my hair in the mornings. Impenetrable indeed. Gwaine gets his cape stuck on some spikey thing. AND IT RIPS!

GWAINE SMASH!

Gwaine freaks out at his cape getting ripped and starts attacking everything nearby.

All the Knights stare at him like 'WTH Gwaine? What are you _doing_?'

Gwaine acts like nothing has happened and they keep on going!

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen hears footsteps, and turns towards them because she's being an idiot. It's too quiet, and I'm scar-AH!

SUDDENLY ELYAN!

It's obviously not him thou-

What.

The.

_Hell_.

IS GOING ON WITH THIS EPISODE!

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DID YOU _HEAR _ELYAN'S 'EVIL' LAUGHTER! *Continues to laugh for a ridiculously long period of time*. Gah! That was as funny as Gaius' hair! That laughter was… HA!

HA!

The angst from the last few episodes has vanished with the sound! I need someone to make a GIF of that, if only I knew how to make a GIF from iPlayer videos…

Hehehe. Elyan's laughter…

I might not be able to stop laughing for _days!_

~~Tangential!~~

They're still attacking plants. Percival's sword gets broken. Which I'm sure is impossible. They keep going forward, and Arthur walks onwards! They're almost at the tower! (And the stupid, geographically messed-up, _lying _desert. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WALES? WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY HAVE FORESTS? WHY?)

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen's huddled, but suddenly Merlin appears. No Gwen, don't get your hopes up! It won't be good! Merlin's going to be _evil_, and not real Merlin! He'll evilly laugh, and make _me _laugh, no _don't go _towards him! Why don't you _listen _to me! Gwen looks, but Merlin's gone! She looks and GEDKJs opyh;l/

Gah! WHAT'S WITH THE SCARING ME! GAH! Though now I rewind that scene.

He.

Hehehe.

HAH!

MERLIN LOOKS LIKE A LION!

The Merlin sleeps tonight!

In fact…

_A-Nimueh, a-Nimueh, a-Nimueh, a-Nimueh._

_A-Nimueh, a-Nimueh, a-Nimueh, a-Nimueh._

_In the tower, the creepy tower, the Merlin leaps tonight!  
In the tower, the darkened tower, the Merlin leaps tonight!_

_Near the mandrakes, the dripping Mandrakes, the Merlin leaps tonight.  
Near the mandrakes, the gunky Mandrakes, the Merlin leaps tonight._

_A-whooo! Hoo-oo-ooo-oo-ooo-oo-oo. Ma-hung-a-way! _

_A-whooo! Hoo-oo-ooo-oo-ooo-oo-oo. Ma-hung-a-way! _

_Hush my Gwen, my crazy Gwen, for Merlin leaps tonight.  
Hush my Gwen my psycho Gwen, for Merlin LEAPS TONIGHT! _

Sorry.

~~Tangential!~~

They keep going, and Arthur finds Gwaine's cloak part from earlier. They've walked round in circles all day apparently, and Arthur is not happy about it. Merlin goes over and tells them all that they _will _bring her home. And they'd better! THE GOOD SHIP ARWEN SHALL SAIL ONCE MORE!

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana's being suspiciously nice to Gwen in this scene, giving her food and everything. Though the table is incredibly dusty. Seriously Morgana, couldn't you have just _dusted _the place if you knew you were going to have visitors? You're so rude! Morgana is acting so nice!

Gwen can see through Morgana's bullcrap.

**GWEN – **I don't know what cruel trick you're playing, but I will not be broken by you.

Morgana says that it must be lonely in the room. She talks about how Gwen should be grateful that she can move and see, and Gwen is not happy. _She _doesn't think it's something to be grateful for. Being stuck in a stupid room that makes Lion Merlins and creepy laughing Elyans.

**MORGANA – **I spent two years living in darkness. Spent two years chained to a wall at the bottom of a pit.

Aw, poor Morgana. I want to hug her. Maybe Mergana has hope still! MERGANA SHALL RISE FROM THE ASHES! :D

I wonder who chained Morgana up. It can't have been Arthur, as he didn't know she had a Dragon. Who'd be powerful enough to do that to Morgana? Alator? (I don't know any other powerful magic users who are against Morgana.)

~~Tangential!~~

Night-time and Knight-time! Merlin sees something move in the distance. So, _obviously_, he sneaks away from the others and goes after it on his own. Gah! Have you learnt _nothing _Merlin! THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA! Remember Series 3 Episode 1? That's what got you caught by Morgause and Morgana, who left you to be killed by Serkets! Don't investigate the creepy noise in the night!

Of course, he does. Because.

Luckily, it turns out _not _to be an evil thing, and is 'Queen Mab'. She has weird hair. Now I look at it closer, it looks suspiciously like the hairstyle some of the girls at my school have at the moment, shaved at the sides. It makes her look like she's bald, but wearing a ridiculous wig. Hehehe. She's the spirit of the place, and is suspiciously like Kilgarrah, because she's annoyingly cryptic. For example.

**QUEEN MAB – **Left is right, and right is left. And the way behind is the way ahead. It is simple.

**QUEEN MAB – **You have a mind's eye, Emrys, you must learn to trust in it.

Huh. Is she Professor Trelawney now? (The inner eye can be a burden sometimes.' Coincidentally, I call my Trombone burden, because I have to carry it around everywhere *mutters*. At least Greg still loves me. Hang on, where's my pet-rock gone? Greg? GREG! GREEEEEEEG!)

She's so cryptically like Kilgarrah that I half-expect her to call Merlin 'Young Warlock'. She doesn't though. Instead she's even more cryptic, until Merlin asks her to stop talking in riddles.

**QUEEN MAB – **Then I shall talk in rhyme.

MORE POETRY! HELL YEAH!

**QUEEN MAB – **Heed my words with due concern, for one of you will not return.

…

I was expecting _nice _poetry.

You made me upset, Queen Mab.

In fact…

Stop being so creepy,  
Oh _dear_ Queen Mab,  
Because it'd be so _easy,_  
To run you over with a Saab.

Awful poetry FTW!

Who's going to die then? There are 6 options. Merlin, Arthur, Gwaine, Leon, Percival and Elyan. Merlin and Arthur _can't _die, because they're the main characters in the show. Leon _can't _die full stop. That leaves Percival, Elyan and Gwaine. If it's Gwaine I'll scream. I heard somewhere that Gwaine's leaving this series, but I CAN'T LET MYSELF THINK THAT WAY! No. It'll be Elyan, because this episode is about Gwen.

Poor Elyan.

He's going to die.

~~Tangential!~~

Back to slicing through the forest, and Arthur is not happy. They need to find the (STUPIDLY INACCURATE) desert, and they have no idea how to get there. Merlin tells Arthur that he can get them there.

Arthur seems sceptical of Merlin's abilities to determine which way is North, and when Merlin is proved right (as always), Arthur asks how Merlin knows which way is North

**MERLIN – **Sense of Smell.

_Riiiiiiight…_

According to Merlin, you can smell the sea when you face North.

**ARTHUR – **That's ridiculous.

I agree entirely Arthur. That is a stupid excuse Merlin. Then again, it would have been really awkward if Merlin had said 'Poetry' or 'At the Tavern' or one of the other excuses he always ends up using. It would have been funny though. Merlin asks that Arthur trust him, and Arthur decides to (faith in the Once and Future King restored!). And thus the greatest game of follow the leader begins! It's actually more of a mix of 'Follow the Leader' and 'Awesome Parkour'.

GAH! Merlin has a new skill! He can make his eyesight all wobbly to work out which way is forwards!

SQUEE!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MERLIN! HUG ME! PLEASE! GREG-THE-PET-ROCK ISN'T THE SAME! Merlin runs on, and they all follow him (where the hell did Percival get a new sword from?). They forge their way through the forest, and Percival finds the bit of sword he lost

**PERCIVAL – **Merlin, you're a genius.

Yes he is. Now hug him. Merlin _needs _a hug! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR 6 FRICKING EPISODES FOR SOMEONE TO HUG MERLIN! _WHY _WON'T YOU JUST HUG HIM?!

And within a few montaged scenes of epicosity, they've reached the place they need to get to. Merlin's eyes glow when he does the thing, and it would have been _so _awkward if Arthur had walked in front of him and seen his glowy gold eyes. That's another plot bunny in my head!

MERLIN IS A GENIUS!

And onwards!

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is crying, and there are more footsteps. No! Don't wake up Gwen, don't! It's not good! Just go back to sleep and dream of cheese that tastes of Apple Pie! Please! Don't look behind you! Just go back to sleep! There's clanking, but It's just Morgana.

Oooooooh, I see what Morgana's doing. She's using the room to make Gwen feel like her friends are enemies, so she'll side with Morgana. And Morgana must be so lonely too, and she'd miss having Gwen as a friend. Gwen reaches out for Morgana's hand and touches it. Wow, she looks so happy that Morgana's real…

Poor, _poor _Gwen.

Morgana keeps trying to convince Gwen that she's trying to look after her, but Gwen stays in the room. And the screaming continues.

Poor Gwen. I want to give Gwen a hug. If I hug my pet rock, will he send the hug though to Gwen? I think so. *Hugs pet rock*.

~~Tangential!~~

GEOGRAPHICALLY INACCURATE DESERT! GAH! I know there's global warming, but _seriously? _A _desert_. In _Wales_. Have they ever _been _to Wales? It's the wettest place on this PLANET! I'm surprised you can even set fires there without the match just going out. But apparently there's a desert in Wales. And a Glacier. You know what? I give up.

Wales, keep your damn inaccurate geographical formations. Just don't expect me to be happy with them.

Ooh, I know what's coming! The trailer scene! Where Merlin slips and falls and almost dies. Percival stops to check his shoes, because he's got blisters. Ouch. He keeps on going though.

~~Tangential!~~

GWEN! I want to hug you! She's whispering to herself not to look, but she's going to, isn't she? Aw, I can't bring myself to be pessimistic and snarky about her at the moment, because I feel so bad for her! She's covering her ears and sobbing.

A moment's silence please, for how poor Gwen must be feeling.

):

~~Tangential!~~

Walking on a ridge, knights! Merlin's going to slip! I saw it on the trailer! And he does so (called it!) and Percival yells 'Merlin!' (But Arthur doesn't *fangirlygrowl*.) MERLIN! Don't die. (I know he can't though, because it's halfway through the series and the TV show is fricking _named _after him, but I'm allowed to fret over my favourite Warlock!

He slips down the sand and _just _misses being impaled on a sword. He's lying in a ditch with dead bodies. Creepy. Hang on, where did the dead bodies _come from? _There are a lot of them there, so that must mean that a lot of people tried to get to the 'tower so dark, it could swallow the sun.' Just quoting the poet Leon there. Is there anything interesting there? Maybe they all died from *gasp*

CONVENIENTITUS!

IT'S BACK! AND IT'S A _PLAGUE!_

Merlin scrambles back up, and he's lucky he didn't get hurt. What would have happened if Merlin got hurt on the sword? *PLOT BUNNY ATTACK!* No! Plot bunnies! My one weakness! *Screams and flails as Plot bunny attacks*

**ME – **GET AWAY! ARG! GREG! HELP MEEEEEEE!

Greg doesn't help though. Because he's a pebble.

*Is killed by bunny, but then brought back from the dead. How? Dunno.*

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen's still crying, and now Arthur (well, evil!Arthur) is there, and Gwen keep trying to stop herself from looking. It's so sad to watch.

**GWEN – **No. I know it's not you. I know it's not you. I know it's not you. I know it's not you.

She keeps repeating it, but evil!Arthur keeps on insisting, and slowly, Gwen turns to look.

She looks so happy, I want to go cry D:

And then evil!Artur starts laughing. This time I don't find it funny, unlike creepy Elyan laughter. It's because this episode has SO MANY FEELS! GAH! LOOK AT THEM ALL! THEY'RE SUFFOCATING ME WITH FEELS AND ANGST AND LACK OF HUGS!

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the Knights! Hang on… That pointy tower's a bloody _skyscraper!_

I CAN DEAL WITH CRAZY GLACIERS AND DESERTS (sort of) AND EVEN THE INCREDIBLY HIGH LEVELS OF ANGSTINESS FOR A FEW EPISODES, BUT DON'T YOU TELL ME THEY HAD BLOODY _SKYSCRAPERS _IN THE DARK AGES!

THE LEVEL OF ANACHRONISMS! GAH.

BBC's Merlin. Turning my pet peeve rages UP TO ELEVEN!

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen's still crying, and Lion!Merlin jumps out at her (a-Nimueh, a-Nimue- Not the right mood? OK, I'll stop singing then…) Morgana appears, to comfort Gwen. She's brainwashing her, and it's working. Is it bad that I sort of want Gwen to be evil just so Gwen and Morgana are friends again? I've missed their friendship so much since series 2, and it makes me feel so nostalgic to see Morgana happy again. I blame Mordred for this. Morgana's last friend – ever – and he stabbed her, and now Morgana feels alone, and just wants a friend again.

(Preferably a friend to kill Arthur with as well.)

Gwen comes along with Morgana, but suddenly changes her mind halfway through it, so Morgana leaves.

~~Tangential!~~

The Knights and Merlin enter the creepy (INACCURATE!) skyscraper, and start to journey up the twisty staircase. Hang on, if the staircase was climbed up by Morgana and Gwen, why are there so many spiderwebs? There weren't any last time? A-What-a-fuq?

Merlin thinks it's too quiet.

Arthur is an _idiot _and disagrees.

THEN A SKELETON APPEARS!

GOOD _LORD _WRITERS! Are you _trying _to give me a heart-attack at the tender age of 16? Are you? Damn you. You _suck_. Also, why did the skeleton scream? Skeletons can't scream. People can scream though, but a skeleton is _not _a person.

Meh, a wizard did it.

Elyan goes on ahead, and enters a room. The others runs after him, but he calls for them to stop. Too late though! Arthur steps out and an arrow flies out from somewhere and hits him in the knee!

Wait.

One.

Second.

Percival just took a _mother-fudging _arrow to the knee!

FOR THE SECOND TIME!

Whoooooooa!

**PERCIVAL – **I used to be a Knight like you, but then I took _2 _arrows to the knee, in two consecutive series.

While Arthur's looking at the floor. (Perhaps wondering whether he should get his bathroom floor retiled) he stands on a platform, and an arrow shoots towards his head. Luckily, Merlin manages to knock it out of the way with MAGIC! Instead it zooms past Gwaine and Leon! NO! My two favourite knights! Not them!

They throw things on the floor, and see whether they trigger arrows and then leap onto them if they don't.

Elyan goes ahead.

Oh no, I was right, wasn't I? Elyan's going to be the one to die.

OhnoOhnoOhno OhnoOhnoOhnoOhnoOhnoOhnoOhno OhnoOhno

~~Tangential!~~

Elyan climbs some stairs, and sees Gwen, and sees a sword floating in the air (like a fairy! Yay!). Gwen begs for Elyan to leave, but Elyan decides to stay, to fight the sword and free Gwen. Elyan fights LIKE A BOSS! But I know what's going to happen. It's going to deliver a death blow, but he's going to defeat it, and then die in Gwen's arms.

I'm going to be right.

I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!

Elyan keeps fighting, and manages to get it out a window. But he's wounded.

And dying.

In Gwen's arm.

(Triple called it. But NOOOOOOOO!)

ELYAAAAAAAN! WHY DIDN'T I PAY MORE ATTENTION TO YOU! PERCIVAL WHY DID YOUR MUSCLES DISTRACT ME! GWAINE, WHY DO YOU _EXIST? _LEON, WHY ARE YOU IMMORTAL!

Leave me here to cry, mourn, and then blog about it.

*Stifled sob*

(You know that moment when you want to cry, but you can't because it's half past midnight and you don't want to wake your parents up? Yeah. *Snifles.*

Me and Gwen cry, as Arthur and the others burst in.

Too late.

It was her only remaining family member. And he's _dead_.

~~Tangential!~~

Funeral, and they light an arrow and shoot it at a boat with Elyan on it. *Snort of laughter*. Sorry, did I just mess up the mood? Because I just thought – what would happen if they missed, and the fire arrow went into the forest, then there was a pause before a faint "_OW!_" could be heard.

*Inappropriate giggle.*

Also. This.

_I shoot my arrows in the air sometimes!_

_Calling Ay-EAN! Where is Ely-an? _

Then Gwen's face makes me want to cry again.

Merlin tells Gaius that he was told that one of them wouldn't return, and I want to give Merlin a hug. And Gwen, and Gwaine and…

SCREW IT EVERYBODY! WE'RE HAVING A MASS HUGGING SESSION, RIGHT NOW! EVERYONE'S INVITED (except Gaius, you need to cut your hair first before I go within 10 yards of you.)

If you want a mental image of the hug, then Gwen's at the centre while Arthur hugs her, Merlin's hugging both of them and everyone else has just piled on top of them. I'm running round the edges with Greg clutched in one hand going "WHY IS THERE NO SPACE FOR ME!" Then Gaius offers to hug me, and I run away screaming.

Wow, my imagination is…

Odd.

Anyway.

**GAIUS – **The sword that Elyan fell prey to was surely intended for Arthur.

I think Arthur would prefer it if he had died. Because he's a self-sacrificing prat.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen and Arthur having a cuddle (Not the special kind though.). Hang on, this is still a 12 right? How… _explicit _can they ge-

Oh no.

Nonononononononononono…

Gwen's sneaking out the place.

Nononononononononononononono nono_NO!_

According to my own rules (see the first ever of these reviews),_ anyone _who sneaks about after dark in Camelot is a traitor.

Gwen's a traitor.

No!

NO!

_NO!_

But she's entering the forest.

And meeting with Morgana. So I called it, but until she broke my rule, I did _not _see that coming. Wow! PLOT TWIST OF THE EPIC TWISTINESS KIND!

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS EPISODE! WHAT! I CALLED IT THAT I'D BE SAYING THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE, BUT _REALLY_? GWEN!

Morgana and Gwen hug, and brainwashed!Gwen tells Morgana how much she hates them. Nonononoononononono! YOU CAN'T HATE MERLIN! NO! _NO! _I FORBID IT!

Oh no…

I talked about this in my ficlet, 'Trust Issues'. People keep on betraying Arthur. Gwen next, and Mordred will probably be doing a side switcheroo in the near future too. I think the writers are setting Arthur up to _hate _anyone who betrays him, so when he finds out about Merlin, all he'll be able to think is that there is _no-one _he can trust, and Merlin will be _screwed_. If he told Arthur pre-betrayal, it'd be fine, but post…

Oh no.

Not good.

I need to go scream into my pillow for a few hours now.

WHY MUST MERLIN BE ALL ANGSTY NOW! WHY!

'**MERLIN!'**

**NEXT TIME!**

Gwen looks around a corner evilly (_why _Gwen, _why?_) something is smoking in an air duct (they had _air ducts _in the _Dark ages?_) Gwen's looking about evilly again. Merlin has noticed something odd about Gwen, which is good. Or maybe not. Merlin looks up suspiciously. EXPLOSION! DRAGOON! AAHADIF GTYUWOwghsisho \ *Fangirling*/ HE'S BACK! Gwen runs through trees. Merlin runs through halls. Merlin (?) is pulled off a horse by Morgana. Gwen flicks her hair. Mordred, Percival and Leon watch as all the lights turn out. Merlin calls for Arthur and Merlin runs in to find a slumped Arthur on a chair.

Wow.

CAN'T WAIT!

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 8. (58 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 4. AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM A HUG NOW!**

**Predictions that came true: Gwen was kidnapped, and Arthur was told (In a manner of speaking) where to go. Via dream poetry! :O. There were traps, and one of them was the hill bit. Arthur did not shout for Merlin *ominous muttering about murdering prats*. Elyan fought the sword ghost, Percival got hurt. Merlin did use magic against one trap, but not really. Morgana **_**didn't **_**know about Merlin's magic. **

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: There was not a series of traps. Merlin didn't disable a trap and make it look like someone else did it. They were **_**not **_**separated and I failed to predict Gwen turning evil. **

**Also. NO HUG FOR MERLIN! GAH! **_**GREG! **_**Hug me! I know you're a rock, but hug me anyway!**

**Predictions for next episode: Morgana and Gwen will meet in a way similar to Morgana and Morgause meeting in the 3****rd**** series. And the end of the 2****nd**** series. They'll plan to lure Arthur out on a ride, and Gwen will drop an explosive thing, which won't kill him. Merlin will get suspicious, and follow Gwen after Morgana. At some point in the episode, Merlin will ride with Arthur and get hurt (because whump is good!) and then will go on the back of Arthur's horse. Morgana will pull him off the horse. Stuff will occur, and Merlin will have to race back in time to save Arthur, and he'll be too late :O, he'll get to Arthur, and use magic to save him.**

**And then.**

**Arthur.  
WILL.  
HUG.  
**_**HIM!**_

_**OR **__**ELSE!**_

* * *

See you in 7 days, where I'll try not to weep openly onto my computer and break it, due to feels about EVERYBODY BETRAYING ARTHUR. I will probably get annoyed beyond belief too, and get flashback to Series 3. One thing I've learnt from this episode is that I _cannot _spell 'inacurrate'. Every time I tried to use the word, Microsoft underlined it in a red squiggle. *Frown*. Sometimes it feels like my whole _life _is underlined in red squigg-

-les.

Oh my gosh.

I just realised something.

The sword was meant to kill Arthur. Gwen was on Morgana's side at this point. She _helped._ She helped to kill her brother.

Can I hug her already?

DAMN YOU MERLIN FEELS!

Anyhoo, until next episode!

**Free sample to my next ficlet for whoever guesses which fictional character my Pet-Rock is named after!**


	7. A Lesson in Vengeance

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

You know I said I'd started to watch Supernatural? I think I started the series last week. Well… Since then, I've gotten to half-way through Series 4, which is around 80 episodes. Eek. My aim is to get through them all before my exams start, so I can revise without being distracted the very awesome TV show. Still not as awesome as Merlin though. I prefer Merlin. This episode has a traitor (yes, another traitor. They have quite a few of them.) as Gwen is traitorous now! Woo-bloody-hoo. I think I might be slightly psychic, because I wrote 'Trust Issues' before I saw the last episode of Merlin, and the whole thing was about people continually betraying Camelot!

Also, in case you're wondering, my Pet-Rock is named after Greg Sanders from CSI, who I had a mini-crush on during Series 4. For many reasons.

I've been meaning to write a couple of things at the moment (Another chapter for 'Trust Issues', maybe make 'You Were Gone?' into a three-shot, as well as an idea that got stuck in my head which I shall discuss no more…) but TUMBLR IS DISTRACTING! Tonight I'll write it though! THIS TIME, TUMBLR WILL _NOT _GET IN MY WAY!

(Spoiler alert, it most definitely will.)

Well, until then, read onwards, as it's time for another episode of Merlin! Woo!

* * *

**Last time – **Gwen got kidnapped, and Elyan turned up and had a few scenes in the episode, so it was pretty obvious he'd die in a couple of minutes. Elyan ended up dead in Gwen's arms, and I said 'no' a lot, while denying the fact that the event ever happened. Then Gwen was suddenly evil, (due to Mandrakes that made people laugh in a way that was _in no way _utterly hilarious. No way, Fake!Elyan's laughter was _terrifying._ Made me shiver in fear. Oh, and Lion!Merlin, who made me sing 'The Lion sleeps tonight'. Terrifying(ly funny).) Gwen's now betraying Camelot and I keep seeing links between Morgause-Morgana and Morgana-Gwen, which makes me want to give Morgana a mini-hug (after hitting her for making Gwen evil though.)

Anyway, this recap is over! It's time to poke good-naturedly at the BBC's latest episode of Merlin!

WOO!

I'm still alone whilst watching this. It's sad, because for the first 2 or 3 of these I watched it with friends, but now I'm watching on my lonesome, whilst my brother eats chocolate and makes me feel hungry. *Sob*

Anyway, let's see if I can _start watching this _at some point this millennium.

*Clicks Play*

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

HORSIES! There are horses a lot in Merlin. Like cars in the present day. Except not like Cars, because they don't emit dangerous gases that poison the environment through their rears. No, wait, do horses fart? I think they might. Cows definitely fart, and they're creating climate change through their parping! So the horses are like cars, except you sit on them. And they whinny and throw people off.

And make me sneeze. Cars don't make me sneeze. Horses are pricks.

*Ahem*

Right, onto the actual episode. Arthur, Merlin and Gwen are a-riding. They're not in Camelot, so it's very obvious that something bad is going to happen to them. Bandits. Camelot has a big problem with Bandits. Arthur mentions how nice it is that there's just the two of them. He's ignoring Merlin, because Merlin is too awesome for him.

**GWEN – **Well, three of us.

Gwen doesn't ignore Merlin, because although she might be the teensiest bit evil, she's not an oblivious, friend-abandoning (yes, I still haven't gotten over that, and I never will. That is why I keep writing more for 'You Were Gone'. Deal with it suckas!) prat!

**ARTHUR – **Merlin? Merlin doesn't count.

**MERLIN – **I don't count? I'm not here, I'm not actually speaking right now…

Arthur interrupts Merlin, and asks whether Gwen's impressed that he'd remembered their anniversary. (Shame he couldn't remember his best friend after he left him to die in a cave…). Also, why _should _Gwen be impressed? Aren't boyfriends/husbands supposed to remember anniversaries? If my husband forgot about it, I'd be peeved. If I had a husband, that is. Or a boyfriend. Or even a boy who had a mild crush on me. Or someone who'd hug me… I'M JUST SO LONELY! D:

Anyway, let's stop this from turning into the weekly 'Enzonia angsts over her non-existent love life whilst inhaling large boxes of chocolate and sobbing melodramatically'-athon. That would get very depressing, very quickly.

Anyway.

Gwen points out that Arthur _didn't _remember their anniversary, and she had told him about it over a month ago. Arthur says that he remembered it was _today _though, before Merlin butts in and says that _he _remembered, not Arthur. Because I'm surprised that Arthur can remember his own _name_, let alone anniversaries (or friends in caves – ALRIGHT, I'll try not to mention that again!)

ARGG! HISSING NOISE! KILL THE CREEPER!

Sorry, Minecraft reflexes. Sorry. The hissing's actually a bomb (from the trailer! :D) and it's going to blow up Arthur's horse, and cause it to throw him off. How do I know that? Because it's bleeding obvious, _that's _why.

The thing hisses, and Arthur rides over it and it EXPLODES! The horse is a pillock, and runs off with its tail between its leg (can horses' tails do that? Or are they just hair? No idea. Anyway.) The horse throws him off (called it) and then BANDITS APPEAR! _WHAT A SURPRISE! Nobody _expected _that _at _all!_ (Caaaaaaalled iiiiiiit!). Arthur is a BAMF though, and just fights off all the bandits (without Merlin's help, for once.) as Merlin approaches. I like to think he's doing so well because he's peeved that he's got a grass-stain on his new white top. I'd be annoyed.

**ME – **AHH! You _told _me to go outside! Now my jeans are _green! _Is that what you wanted! Huh? This is why I like to sit inside and read fanfiction! GOODBYE OUTERNET, HELLO INTERNET!

(Me whenever I am told to get 'some fresh air'. Honestly, are people insinuating that the air inside is not fresh? I know my brother farts into it sometimes, but they don't smell _that _bad!)

(Here's hoping my brother _never _finds this review. Ever. Or I'm going to die.)

Oh, no, wait, Arthur _can't _cope on his own, and Merlin has to magic a sword out of a Bandit's arm. Arthur proceeds to beat the crap out of the bandit, while Gwen watches. Arthur then throws his sword into the ground. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. He likes chucking sharp things into the mud. Stress relief maybe?

They have a three-way Pensive-Staring™ thing, before the intro music plays!

~~Tangential!~~

That was a long one, wasn't it? I think I just kept getting distracted, and it wasn't actually _that _long. Oh well.

INTRODUCTION SONG! Watch the sepia tones as the music plays! Behold images of people ducking, Morgana smirking and Gaius looking at the camera!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is looking suspicious, as Gaius fixes Arthur up. Gwen is stroking Arthur's arm as Gaius does this. Suspicious Merlin is good, right? Because we all know what _that _means…

INSPECTOR MERLIN!

We haven't seen him for ages! Woo! Soon he'll be eavesdropping and stealing things from people's chambers! Soon! Apparently, Arthur killed the two bandits (people tend to die when sharp things are stabbed into them, shockingly.) That means that we will NEVER KNOW who sent the bandits after them. (Spoiler alert, it's Gwen.) You know what would make the show 100% more cool? If we weren't _shown _who the traitor was, and we had to work out whether Leon was lying, or Gaius was Guileful or even if Merlin was the miscreant! That way we couldn't start screaming at the TV over people smirking in the background.

Again.

Series 5 is turning out to be remarkably similar to Series 3.

Merlin points out that it can't be a coincidence so it must be a…

*Gasp of horror*

TRAITOR!

Suddenly, a wild Leon appears! Apparently his saddle was tampered with to make him fall off, and get clonked on the head and maybe die. Sort of a crap plan, if you ask me. I'd just go all 'stabby, stabby' on Arthur, then run off to the guards shrieking about how someone had just poked holes in the King of Camelot. No-one would suspect Gwen! No-one has my _outstanding _intellect. You know, I can't even tell whether that was me being sarcastic and self-deprecating, sarcastic and funny or just honest, immodest and arrogant. You choose.

~~Tangential!~~

There's a dude by the horse (he's not allergic then, lucky sod) and I must say that his hair reminds me of Justin Bieber's. It isn't that similar to it, to be honest, but now I can't shake the connection. Hehehe, he's a fat Justin Bieber with a beard. Gwaine and some other decidedly less awesome Knights approach him. He's gonna be arrested! It's obvious, because he's in charge of the horses.

Gwaine nods and the decidedly less awesome Knights go forward and arrest Fat Bearded JB.

Called it!

Leon and some more decidedly-less-awesome Knights break into another person's house (I think it's Fat Bearded JB's mother, but I can't be sure.) No, she is his mother, and she's adamant that Fat Bearded JB didn't commit treason. It obviously wasn't him, but then again, when are the Knights of Camelot known for seeing the obvious?

*Cough*Merlin*Cough*Magic*Cough*

~~Tangential!~~

In the throne room! Fat Bearded Bieber is before Arthur, and apparently the thread used to sabotage Arthur's saddle was found at Fat Bearded Bieber's house! *Gasp of _utter _shock*! I didn't see _that _coming! Arthur asks who asked him to do it, but Fat Bearded Bieber says that he doesn't _know_ who put him up to it (because, you know, he _wasn't _put up to it.) I am thoroughly pissed off at Gwen at the moment, because she is LETTING SOMEONE ELSE DIE! I know that she wants Arthur dead due to brainwashed reasons, but Fat Bearded Bieber? What did he do, except (obviously) go to Gaius for advice on how to cut his hair?

Hmm, another pattern. Every even numbered episode someone is abandoned (In the second, Merlin. In the fourth, Gaius. In the sixth, Gwen.) And every odd numbered episode some person appears with ridiculous hair. (In the first, Gaius. In the third, Uther 'The Loofah'. In the fifth… Meh, we never saw what the Hooded Ladies' hair was like, so I'll go with bad. And in the seventh, Fat Bearded Bieber!) COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!

Anyway.

Fat Bearded Bieber gets sentenced to DEATH!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin (as can be expected) is not pleased with this, and tries to make Arthur repeal the sentence. Arthur doesn't, because he's a prat. Apparently he has to go with what the evidence suggests. Hasn't he considered just _keeping _Fat Bearded Bieber in jail? Have you noticed that there are only 3 types of punishment in Camelot? Death, Banishment or the Stocks. That'd be sucky.

**ARTHUR – **For these crimes, I have no choice but to sentence you… to death!

**ME – **All I did was steal the last biscuit from the packet! Forgive me!

**ARTHUR – **No. Those were _my _biscuits.

The above mini-conversation has no relevance to the earlier paragraph.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin goes to talk to Gaius, as he doesn't think that Fat Bearded Bieber would want Arthur dead. Gaius tries to prove Merlin wrong, for reasons that I really don't understand. (Honestly, every episode Gaius just stands there with stupid hair and poking holes in every single one of Merlin's theories. My theory is _still _that Gaius is evil, and every time Merlin starts to solve the mystery, Gaius is like 'Oh noes, he's working it out again! Quick, try to stop him!')

Merlin then runs off.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is knitting with the piece of wool, because. Ok, maybe he's just fiddling with it while he does some Pensive-Staring™ at it. The Pensive-Staring™ levels in this episode are wa-a-ay off the chart! Gwen appears, and tells Arthur that he had no choice, and had to sentence Fat Bearded Bieber to death. Arthur calls Fat Bearded Bieber stupid (paraphrased) and says that there must have been other people involved. Gwen then goes on to talk about how it is always the last person you'd expected.

Is this Irony? I'm always afraid to use the word in case I'm using it wrong. Maybe foreshadowing. Or lampshade hanging whilst within the episode? No idea.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin goes down to Fat Bearded Bieber cell with food, and the guards let him in. Which is stupid. Why is it that whenever _Merlin's _in jail, Merlin is locked in and isn't allowed visitors, and everyone has to wait outside and peer through the bars sadly? Is it because Merlin's life sucks? I thought so.

Merlin insults Gaius' cooking (hah!) and Fat Bearded Bieber laughs at Gaius' food too. Merlin says he'd like to help him, but Fat Bearded Bieber says he's beyond help. Fat Bearded Bieber says that he hasn't done anything (again), and then Merlin asks whether he saw anything suspicious (really beginning to sound like an episode of CSI now. Hmm, that's an idea. CSI Camelot. I need that cross-over. Now.)

It's pretty obvious by this point that Fat Bearded Bieber did see something, and I'm betting that it was Gwen breaking the saddle. Merlin asks Fat Bearded Bieber what happened, but he doesn't sing like a canary (which is good, because if Fat Bearded Bieber sings anything like his namesake, it'd suck quite a lot and Merlin might be deafened for life! That'd be _bad!_)

Fat Bearded Bieber says that Gwen threatened his mother, and refuses to tell Merlin that it was Gwen. Being a mother's boy, he says that it's better that it's him, not his mother. Aw.

~~Tangential!~~

Back in Arthur's room, Merlin tells Arthur he went down to the cells (Gwen's there too, which isn't good. That means that she'll know that they're going to try and get the name of the person who tampered with the saddle (her name). And that'd be bad, though I don't think they'd believe Fat Bearded Bieber. She should just let them go down!

Arthur leaves to go and talk to him, (with Merlin), and Gwen panics, and tries to get them to stay until morning. They do so, and Arthur closes the door again. Merlin looks suspiciously at Gwen. It's very obvious what's going to happen now. Gwen's going to sneak down to the dungeons and stab Fat Bearded Bieber in the gut. RIP Fat Bearded Bieber. You will be missed. By your mother only. Probably, I don't know whether you have a love life or not.

~~Tangential!~~

DINNER-TIME GAIUS-MERLIN CHAT! I like these, it's where Merlin tells Gaius everything, Gaius pokes holes in his theories (like earlier) and then tells him something starting with 'back in the days of the Old Religion…'.

**MERLIN - **Have you noticed anything about Gwen of late?

Unlike Morgana, Gwen hasn't been smirking every few seconds, so it's not surprising when Gaius says that he hasn't noticed anything odd about her. I'm pretty surprised that _Merlin _has noticed something off with her. Maybe it's his magic sense. Does Merlin have a spider sense? Like Spiderman? Because that would really explain na lot over all the times Merlin says that they shouldn't go somewhere, and Arthur's like 'Pah, screw you Merlin, we're going over there right now! OH NO! BANDITS! I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT!'

Merlin thinks she's been a bit off since the Dark Tower, and Gaius points out that Elyan – her only brother – had died, and she was probably not treated that well with Morgana.

~~Tangential!~~

Sneaky ninja Gwen! She sneaks off downwards, and places a burny thing in the air-vents. (Seriously, air vents? In the _Dark Ages? _What the…) The burny thing makes all the guards have a nap, and Gwen walks over them towards the cells. Also, how come nobody saw her? Or are the writers telling me that there are no other prisoners in Camelot apart from Fat Bearded Bieber? Yeah right…

Gwen walks onwards, and is soon at the entrance of Fat Bearded Bieber's cage. She 'just wants to talk' apparently. Really. And I have several boys fawning over me at school, and every time I go to the toilet I poo rainbows. Really. Fat Bearded Bieber quickly says that he's said nothing about her trying to kill her husband, but Gwen shushed him and calls for him to come closer. That's a bad thing. Bad, bad thing. She's going to stab you through the bars! You should have just stayed on you bed Fat Bearded Bieber! Really!

And within a few seconds, Gwen stabs Fat Bearded Bieber. Through the bars. Called it times 2!

Give me a moment to compose a epitaph.

_RIP Fat Bearded Bieber.  
You might not have been the strongest,  
Or the most attractive,  
And __**definitely **__not the cleverest.  
But you were one of the few new characters introduced that didn't turn out to be trying to kill Arthur._

_RIP Fat Bearded Bieber._

_You could have done worse._

Anyway.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius is in the dungeons, looking at the body. Arthur looks curiously at the body.

**GAIUS – **The blade punctured his heart.

Whaaaaaaat?

No it didn't! There was _no _blood on his chest, and Gwen pushed it into him lower down! It would have punctured a kidney, or a liver maybe, but the heart? Gaius, you are a LIAR! Leon and Percival are watching, and Leon found a Clary wort, which causes people to fall asleep. This explains the early nap time the guards had. Arthur angsts over the fact that he didn't go to talk to him earlier, and so now he can't tell Arthur who was the traitor!

**MERLIN – **Whoever did this was no stranger to Camelot.

*GASP* We did _not _know that!

(Sorry, I'll try to cut down on the sarcasm. Sorry.)

They knew their way about, so they must live in the place. I thought Arthur already _knew _it was someone in Camelot? Or was that only a suggestion? Meh *shrugs*. Arthur'll find out who the traitor is towards the end of the series, and then he'll have a mental blue-screen of death and angst some more. And then magic will happen, and Merlin will be motivational. Happens every series! (Except 1 and 2. OK, 50% of series, you pedantic twat. What, you _didn't _correct me? And I was just assuming wrongly? Well POO TO YOU!)

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is stroking a tree. As she's outside, she's probably going to meet with Morgana. It's something new though, because normally the evil traitors sneak out at night. But Gwen's different, and that's good, right? Gwen informs Morgana that her plan was sucky, and that Arthur is still alive.

**ME – **AND BELIEVE ME HE IS STILL ALIVE! HE'S DOING SCIENCE AND HE IS STILL ALIVE.

Sorry.

My Portal quoting was necessary! Probably.

(It wasn't).

Gwen tells Morgana about stabbing Fat Bearded Bieber, and Morgana tells her to find someone to take the fall for the whole thing when the plan is (inevitably) discovered. Oh crap…

I think I have a rough idea who this 'someone' is. I think it's pretty obvious actually. Can you tell yet? (If you can't then… meh. This show has had so many plot twists lately I wouldn't be surprised is who it was 'obviously' going to be turned out to be someone else entirely. SO TWISTY! Anyway, Morgana tells Gwen to get the Knights' support, and they plot some more, to kill Arthur again.

TONIGHT!

SUDDENLY! KNIGHTS!

Gwen runs as Gwaine (?) and other decidedly less awesome Knights (I've used that phrase a lot…) chase after her, completely _ignoring _Morgana, despite the fact she's overthrown Camelot more times than Arthur has thrown something heavy at Merlin's head! Nope, the person running away is the one you _have to chase after!_

Morgana is having none of this, and pulls one of the Knights off his horse, but others keep chasing. Dang it, I was hoping the person pulled off their horse would be Merlin, so we could see some Merlin whump! WHY DO THEY NOT GIVE US PROTECTIVE ARTHUR! *Weeps*

Gwen is still running along the path as Knights ride after her. It's sort of stupid. Why doesn't she dive into the bushes beside her and wait until the Knights ride past her? *sigh*. Gwen! I thought you were one of the intelligent people! GWEN! How could you join the thick people! She manages to get away though, and she sees Camelot up ahead, and smirks (NO! SMIRKITUS! AND I THOUGHT CONVENIENTITUS WAS A PLAGUE! WE SHALL ALL BE KILLED BY THIS NEW DISEASE!). She walks towards the castle.

~~Tangential!~~

She enters the castle, trying to get to somewhere safe maybe, but she runs into Merlin! She's in a pretty obvious rush to get out of there, but Merlin keeps talking, telling her to watch out because a patrol was attacked a few hours ago. Hang on, hours? How did it take Gwen that long to get back? Is she a _really _slow walker or something? Because I know people like that. People who walks really slowly behind you, and you keep trying to make them walk faster, but they just drag along behind you, whilst you grind your teeth together and try to resist the urge to throttle them.

One of my (many) pet peeves.

Anyway, Gwen thanks Merlin (after using the My-Brother-Just-Died Card on him to make him leave her alone) and walks off.

Merlin gives her a suspicious look.

DETECTIVE MERLIN IS ON THE HUNT!

~~Tangential!~~

GWAAAAAAAINE! So it _was _him on the hunt! And he's alive and looking fi-i-ine if I do say so myself! Gwaine says that he was chasing them, but he was pulled off his horse (so it was him! :O). Merlin asks whether it was Morgana, and Gwaine says he can't be sure. Arthur then asks Merlin and Gaius to go look in the woods. Gaius. _Gaius? _Why? Why don't you ask Leon or Percival to go with Merlin? What's _Gaius _supposed to do if they get attacked? Whip his hair at them and poke holes in their theories? Arthur, you are a _prat!_

Gwaine, not being a prat at all, offers to go with them, but Gaius refuses to let him because Gwaine's injured. I think that Gaius really wants Gwaine to stay so he can lure Merlin into a trap. You know, with Gaius being evil and all. This is my head canon. Deal with it.

Gwen's watching through the window, and if she dares to hurt Gwaine things will end badly. Gwen will end up being punched. Hard. I don't care if she's only doing it because she's brainwashed, Gwaine SHALL NOT BE INJURED!

Gwaine and Merlin have a chat! Woo! GWAINE AND MERLIN TIME! Admittedly, it isn't a very long or bromancy, but it's still a chat. Merlin tells Gwaine to look after Arthur, as Merlin thinks someone in Camelot is trying to kill Arthur.

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana! Being evil as usual, she enters a shops full of bottles of stuff. And what is it that our favourite megalomaniac wants this time?

**MORGANA – **A tincture. With the power to kill. Not just to kill, but to do so slowly and with the utmost pain.

Poison? Again? Does anyone in Camelot kill in original ways anymore? It's always poison or daggers! Why can't there be a good old Guy Fawkes plot to blow up Camelot with barrels of Gunpowder? BE ORIGINAL EVIL PEOPLE!

Being an idiot, and not realising that this will not end badly, the old man get out some potions, and shows them to Morgana.

**OLD MAN – **Valerian. Two drops will render the victim unconscious.

Ooh! You can use Valerian springs (or was it sprigs?) on Pottermore! Wow, I haven't been on Pottermore for _months_. I really should go check on my account someday. At the moment all my spare time goes on watching Supernatural, being on Tumblr and tapping my pencil as I try to work out how to start my fanfiction. EVERY SINGLE BIT I have planned out in my head, but I can _never _write it down! I don't know why!

**OLD MAN – **And Henbane-

Like 'Arthur's _Bane' _Henbane? Or is the fact that they both contain the word 'bane' completely irrelevant? Probably. I think I'll just stop noticing odd things in Merlin episodes now. Morgana reaches for them, but the Old man asks for more money. Which is a bad thing. Normally when evil people buy things, they take them and then stab the person who sold the thing to them. For some odd reason, Morgana _doesn't _do this, and instead gives the person the money and begins to leave. Of course, the old man _has _to ask for more.

**OLD MAN – **More than enough to buy my wares, but not my silence.

**ME - ***Facepalm*

The odds of him dying are _very _high at this point, but _somehow _he manages to get out of the whole situation alive. I have _no idea _how. I don't think any salesmen in the entire show have ever survived selling to evil people. This guy's broken some sort of record.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is Pensive-Staring™ forwards, when Gwen comes over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur talks about how he's worried that it _was _Morgana, and there's a traitor in Camelot. And the traitor is who killed Fat Bearded Bieber, to stop themselves being revealed! Arthur works out that he must know whoever is the traitor, and

**ARTHUR – **They must be here as we speak.

Arthur, how right you are, and you don't even know it. Then again, you _never _know anything. Ever. Gwen lies for a bit about how she's willing to work with Arthur to find and kill whoever is trying to kill him.

BLATANT LIES!

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius has a wobbly stick that he's using to look ridiculous and slow Merlin down. Why couldn't _Gwaine _come? I know he's injured, but Gaius is just annoying me by _existing!_ Merlin could have done it on his own! Merlin sees an odd root (where Morgana and Gwen met earlier) and points it out to Gaius, who says it's not natural. Merlin wanders off to find something useful, and sees something torn on a branch. It's PASTEL COLOURED! Which means GWEN! :O.

Shockingly, Merlin doesn't make the connection that Pastel=Gwen's clothes (Or at least, except when she wears that red dress she's worn quite a lot so far this series). But they look at it, and back in Gaius' room, they examine it. Apparently it's made of imported silk, so it belongs to a rich person. (Come on, how do they not know that it's Gwen? Are there any other characters in the whole show who wear pastel and are rich? No! So it's Gwen! OK, maybe they don't have the advantage of my awesomeness, but still…)

Suddenly, Merlin has an idea, and rushes off! (I think he's caught on to my theory of Gwen is the traitor.)

~~Tangential!~~

Cue Merlin searching through Gwen's clothes. This is going to end in embarrassment for Merlin, isn't it? Either Arthur's going to walk in (leading to awkwardness as Merlin tries to explain that he is _not _a cross dresser) or Gwen's going to walk in and Merlin's going to have to pretend that he _is _a cross dresser to try to stop himself being targeted and killed next episode. He pulls a dress out and looks at it, but suddenly, Arthur's voice is there.

CALLED IT!

I think I might have preferred it if Gwen came in, but the next scene is pretty funny, as Merlin uses the pretty awful excuse of 'looking for holes' and then proceeds to point out that the dress _does _have holes, even if they are holes that you need to be able to use your arms.

Arthur uses this as an excuse to make Merlin take his clothes to do the laundry. Merlin is an idiot.

**MERLIN – **I think I prefer Gwen's.

**ME - ***Facepalm*. MERLIN! You said that to _Arthur! _

**ARTHUR – **I'm going to do everything in my power to try and forget you ever just said that.

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen is walking in the town, smiling at people, when she approaches a fabric store. Old Morgana grabs her wrist and Gwen turns to her. WOW! FLASHBACKS! Remember that episode in Series 3 where Morgana was grabbed by Old Morgause, and then chatted with her for some time? Whilst Gwen watched awkwardly? AH! THE FLASHBACKS! There are so many parallels between the two of them! Morgana gives Gwen the poisons and asks her whether Gwen has thought of someone who will take the blame (it's obvious who Gwen's going to blame, but I really think her choice isn't the best one. I mean, is he really that likely to poison Arthur? Would people really believe her?)

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin's taking the clothes somewhere, and walks past Gwen.

~~Tangential!~~

SCENE CHANGE! Arthur's eating food. (I'm hungry now, _thanks a lot _Arthur! Now I'm going to have to write quicker in an attempt to finish this so I can go and eat!) Gwen's put some poison/drug in his food or drink (I'm going with drink, because that's what happens on Merlin. Poisoned Chalice, anyone?) Yup, it's the drink, as Gwen pours the poison/drug into his flask.

~~Tangential!~~

MERLIN! He's washing the clothes, and there's tasty food in front of him… (WHY MUST THIS TV SHOW MAKE ME SO HUNGRY?! WHY! I WANT TO GO AND _EAT _NOW!). He reaches towards the food, but the cook shoos him away.

**COOK – **Keep your grubby hands off my dumplings!

Hehehe… Is that a euphemism? GAH! Stop with the immature thoughts brain!

**BRAIN – **_You _have immature thoughts.

Merlin keeps doing the laundry, and notices a cape which has exactly the same edge as the ripped bit of fabric that he and Gaius found in the woods.

Cue an Oh Cra- moment

~~Tangential!~~

MONTAGE OF MERLIN RUNNING AND GWEN TRYING TO GET ARTHUR TO DRINK THE POISON!

~~Tangential!~~

Eventually, Arthur drinks it, and Gwen drips poison into his ear. Seriously writers, _ear poison? _I know I said that I wanted something original, but _ear poison_? That's just weird. There's a slow-mo scene as Merlin pushes open the door to Arthur's chambers. And…

SCENE FROM THE TRAILER! PAN ZOOM OF DEATH!

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur's on the bed, and Gaius says that Arthur has been poisoned. Gwen asks if Gaius is sure.

**GAIUS – **Damn right, I'm sure, I'm the best fricking Physician in Camelot!

OK, he doesn't say that, but if I was him then I'd have said that to Gwen. Because Gwen has been messing up the bromance-angst ratio at the moment, and I want more bromance, and less angst! Why Morgana? Why did you have to make Gwen a traitor and make the whole series so incredibly angsty? And you could at least have given Merlin a hug! I'm still waiting for that hug writers! There's only a few episodes left (5, I think) and Merlin needs a hug at some point, or heads are gonna roll! Gwen acts really shocked by the fact that her husband has been poisoned. According to Gaius, there are only a few ways to save him (and I'm pretty sure that all of them include Magical Merlin! Woo!

Then Gwen has to ruin everything by saying this:

**GWEN – **One thing I know for certain. Whoever did this lives among us. Whoever did this has betrayed us all! Someone who is free to roam this Citadel as they please, someone who has access to the King's stables, the King's prison, even the King's food. There is only one I know of…

Any guesses who she's going to blame?

**GWEN – **Merlin…

CALLED IT!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin gets chucked roughly into prison. Hang on… Does that mean that _none _of the Knights stood up for him? GAH! GAH! GAH! TRIPLE GAH AND MORE! I AM NOT HAPPY! CONSIDER ANOTHER CHAPTER OF 'YOU WERE GONE?' PLANNED! KNIGHTS SHALL BE _SHAMED!_

HOW DARE YOU BELIEVE GWEN OVER MERLIN? HAVE YOU EVER _SEEN _MERLIN WITH ARTHUR? DO YOU REALLY BLOODY BELIEVE THAT _MERLIN _WOULD POISON ARTHUR?

YOU NEED _HELP!_

~~Tangential!~~

Gwen does some Pensive-Staring™ out a window while Gaius watches. Gaius is not amused. Gwen 'apologises' about Merlin, and says that the evidence was against him. Gaius says that she had no choice, and that it's not her fault. Then Gaius says that there is not much hope for him.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius! Gaius is talking to Merlin in the Dungeons, telling him that he was right, and something has happened to Gwen – probably at the Dark Tower. Gaius says that he can't save him, but Merlin's magic could save him.

**MERLIN – **You need to get me out of here somehow.

Wha- MERLIN, ARE YOU A WIZARD OR _NOT? _Just BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF! Or unlock them! Or unlock them and then make the guards fall asleep to make it look as though you had help, and you didn't just break out! Merlin, you don't _need _Gaius' help to escape!

~~Tangential!~~

Heartfelt bedside chat, as Gwen sits beside Arthur and begs for him not to leave her. Gwen's a good actress. I mean, Angel's a good actor too, but Gwen's a much better actress then Morgana ever was (not that it's very hard to be a better actress, all you've got to do is try not to smirk every second. Leon watches Gwen, and says that they have to work out what they're going to do if Arthur dies. Leon says that Gwen would be Queen if Arthur dies.

Wha-

LEON, ARTHUR ISN'T DEAD YET! YOU'RE BASICALLY ABANDONING HOPE, JUST LIKE ARTHUR ABANDONED MERLIN (OK, I lied, I couldn't stop myself from bringing that up again. Sorry.)

(I'm not sorry.)

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius lowers in something which is blue. Merlin looks amused at it.

~~Tangential!~~

DRAGOON! YOU'RE BACK! LET ME LOVE YOU! Or not, because you're 80. But you're Merlin disguised as an 80, so is this weird or not? Is it weird? Probably. I don't really get why Merlin needs the aging potion (or where he got the Dragoon clothes from, or did he just magic them out of thin air? I don't even know anymore…)

Dragoon/Merlin steps forward, and the guards withdraw their swords.

**GUARDS – **Who are you?

WARNING – MERLIN HAS SPENT WAY TOO LONG WITH KILGARRAH, AS EVIDENT BY THIS.

**MERLIN – **What kind of a damn fool question is that? I am who I am and I am who I was and I am who I will always be.

**GUARDS –** …

**GUARDS – **That's no answer.

**MERLIN – **What other answer is there? It's the only answer worth giving.

**GUARDS – **What are you doing here?

**MERLIN – **Incredible, you follow one idiot question with another! I'm visiting the cells, as you perfectly well know.

**GUARDS – **No you're not. Not unless we say so, you're not.

**MERLIN – **But you already said so, only ten minutes ago you said so. You said so and I did so!

**GUARDS – **No we didn't!

**MERLIN – **What on earth is wrong with you? Something interesting in your tea, is there? It's hardly any wonder your prisoners are being murdered if you can't even remember who you're letting in, and who you're letting out. You let me in! And I thank you for that, and now, apparently I have to let myself out! GOODBYE!

**MERLIN - ***Walks off*

**MERLIN USES CONFUSE. IT'S VERY EFFECTIVE**

~~Tangential!~~

Dragoon/Merlin is in the kitchens, apparently trying to find somewhere to take the anti-dote so he can just be Merlin again. Unfortunately, the cook appears again, and is unhappy at the Dragoon/Merlin in her kitchen.

*Prepares self for an epic moment of funny*

**COOK – **You! What are you doing in my kitchen?!

**MERLIN – **Nothing.

**COOK – **Nothing means mischief in my book.

**ME – **Wha- Lady, he's got a _beard_? Do you think he gets up to mischief? Well yeah, he does, bad example, but in general old people with beards don't get up to _mischief._

**MERLIN – **Well you've been reading the wrong book.

**COOK – **And mischief means _theft!_

**MERLIN – **No it doesn't.

**COOK – **And theft means my pies!

**MERLIN – **Your _pies?_

**ME – **Oh boy, this is going to be good!

**MERLIN – **Why on earth would _anyone _want to steal your godforsaken pies?

**COOK – **My pies are the talk of Camelot.

**MERLIN – **Oh, yes, indeed they are. A crust like rusted iron, a filling like last year's horse dung, and the smell, oh yes, just like the guardhouse's latrine!

**COOK – **No-one insults my pies and gets away with it!

**MERLIN – **Oh, I'm sorry! Should I speak instead of your poisonous flans? Like vomit curdling in the noonday sun! Or your _dumplings! _The _King_ himself likened them to freshly-lain frogspawn wrapped in pig's snot!

**COOK – **What would you know about the King and my dumplings?

**MERLIN – **Oh good grief…

***MAGICS PAN TO FLY INTO THE COOK'S HEAD***

**ME - ***Emits high pitched squeals of laughter*

**MERLIN – **Should have done that _years _ago.

And _that, _ladies and gentlemen, is the funniest scene in the whole of Series 5 so far! They need a teensy bit less angst, and a helluva lot more Dragoon the Great. DRAGOON FOREVER!

~~Tangential!~~

Dragoon/Merlin/Ninja drinks the poison and just becomes Merlin again, and distracts the stupid guards in the usual way (makes something move. ) The guards move off to investigate, but Gwaine rounds the corner. Not being an utter _idiot _like most of the guards, Gwaine sees Merlin and chases after him. Merlin runs.

I know it's not going to happen, but I'm hoping for a Gwaine-reveal. It's not going to happen though. Sadly.

Merlin keeps a-running, and they make it to the stone steps in front of Camelot, which Merlin hides on the side of. All the Knights arrive in the Courtyard, and Merlin's like Oh cra-, because it'd be hard to get to the dying Arthur in time if he's being chased by Knights with an IQ greater than that of a particularly dull gnat.

Also, for those of you playing 'Where's Mordred?' Mordred can be seen standing in the centre of the square, whilst all the Knights wave their glowy sticks about.

TRAILER SCENE! Using his awesomeness, Merlin blows all the torches out, and all the Knights look about like 'WTF!'. I like to think that Mordred knows that it was Merlin, and saw Merlin run across the courtyard at this point, but didn't draw attention to Merlin because he's finally forgiven him for what he did way back in Series 2. (Or was it 3).

Merlin is now climbing the side of the building. Like a boss. SPIDERMERLIN RETURNS!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin gets in through the window, and watches as Gwaine appears and tells Gwen and Gaius that there's an intruder. Gaius tells Gwen to leave with Gwaine for the guest chambers, and that he'll call for her if Arthur gets better.

Can we please have a minute while I pause the video and look at Gwaine's hair? Good.

…

OK, I'm ready again.

Merlin is still hiding behind the curtain, and Gwen and Gwaine leave. Gaius turns to Merlin.

**GAIUS – **How on earth did you get in here?

**ME – **Magic?

Sadly, Merlin doesn't say that, though it'd be cool if he did. He goes to Arthur, and Gaius tells him that Arthur is close to death. Merlin looks stressed (and sweaty, but you'd expect that if you'd been made to climb up the side of the building to save the 'other side of your coin' from death. Merlin puts his hand over Arthur's heart. (No, not like that rabid Merthur shippers).

Also, is it just me or can you hear the sound of your heart slowly breaking?

**MERLIN – **I don't know if I have the power to bring him back!

**ME – **No! Always believe in yourself! You've got the power to kno- I'm singing out loud again, aren't I? Sorry…

I apologise for ruining the mood of this tear-jerking scene.

Merlin leans over Arthur and uses his Power!Voice (sort of a hoarser version of his real voice that makes it sound like he's been gargling marbles between episodes.) As well as the Power!Voice, he seems to be doing CPR, pushing down on Arthur's chest every so often.

By the way, I know what's going to happen. Arthur's going to appear to be dead, but then cough or insult Merlin or something.

Merlin finishes the magic, but Arthur isn't moving. Merlin steps back, and OH MY GOSH! HE'S CRYING! OH GOD! THE FEELS! WHY MUST THIS SHOW HURT ME SO? AND WHY MUST COLIN BE SUCH A GOOD ACTOR, AND CRY SO WELL? WHY! MERLIN'S TEARS!

*Descends into sniffy state at this point, emotional and prone to hugging people who happen to be close*

Then Arthur moves a bit.

CALLED IT!

And Merlin stops crying (good). Still no hug though…

Damn.

NO, WAIT!

GUYS!

GUYS!

GUESS WHAT!

GUYS!

_MERLIN GOT A BLOODY HUG! _

(Even if it was _Gaius_ so I'm not entirely sure if it counts or not. I mean, father-figure hugs are different to bromance hugs, aren't they? So no _bromance _hug, but at least Merlin got 1 hug – 1 more that I've had whilst watching this episode *cuddles Greg-the-rock again*. Rocks are good at hugs, despite what people think.)

Gaius tells Merlin to get back to the cells quickly. Merlin asks how he's supposed to get back, and Gaius tells him to go back the same way he came in.

Have fun climbing out the window Merlin!

~~Tangential!~~

Morning and happy music! Merlin is woken by Gwaine and Gaius, who take him to see a (thoroughly alive!) Arthur.

**ARTHUR – **Merlin! This is one of the two – possibly three moments in my life where I've actually been glad to see you.

Wonder what the other times were. One would be 'Servant of Two Masters' after Arthur finds Merlin and gives him a hug (but Merlin will never ever remember that hug, damn it!) The other… Poisoned Chalice? Any ideas? Merlin says he's glad to see Arthur too, and asks how Arthur feels.

Apparently Arthur feels like Death. How does that even work? What if Death's a happy chappy? Then what?

No, wait, Arthur feels like Death _warmed up._

Death in a Jacuzzi?

Arthur apologises to Merlin (yes, you read that right) about what happened, and how Merlin was sent to the dungeons and none of the Knights stuck up for him *gnashes teeth in anger*.

**ARTHUR – **Once I heard, I told them it couldn't have been you who poisoned me.

Aw…

Of course, Arthur has to ruin it by saying that Merlin isn't clever enough to try to assassinate him. *Sigh*

**MERLIN – **There is something I need to talk to you about…

Gwen? Wow! Merlin's actually going to tell Arthur? He's actually going to do the sensible thing? Whaaaaaaa-?

No, wait, Arthur interrupted him and walked off. There's still a traitor in Camelot (shock, horror).

~~Tangential!~~

Council time! Gwen 'found' the poison bottles, and they traced them back to the Old Guy who sold them to Morgana in the first place. And managed to live (still shocked at that). The Old Guy confesses that he supplied the poison, but he says that he didn't know what it was going to be used for. When asked, he reveals that the person who he sold the poison to was Morgana. The Old Guy is taken away, and Gwen gets complemented for trying to kill her husband and the king.

Yay…

Merlin looks on, and Merlin is _so _not amused.

This is Morgana all over again. Series 3, Episode 1 ending anyone?

PENSIVE STARING™ AT EACH OTHER! DRAMATIC MUSIC AND CHANTING OF 'LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!'

'**MERLIN!'**

**NEXT TIME!**

Merlin turns round dramatically, a bald guy with round ears looks forward. Gwen looks in a mirror. Gwen sneaks through the forest and talks to Round ears, and says that she wants her husband to die. Morgana knocks Merlin off a cliff (are we going to get MERLIN WHUMP! GOOD! – It's my guilty pleasure :P – we haven't had any all series!). Merlin is having a seizure with blood dribbling out of his mouth (Please, whump! And protective Arthur! Please!) Morgana on a Sneeze-Machine (otherwise known as a horse. Yes, I don't like horses. They make me sneeze, I scowl at them. Fair's fair.) Round Ears has a crossbow. Merlin uses magic in front of someone. (WITH SIDHE STAFF!). New Knight who beats Arthur.

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 7. (65 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 2. AND I NEED MORE! WITH BROMANCE!**

**Predictions that came true: Morgana did meet with Gwen like she did Morgause (in more ways than one). There was an explosive thing. He gets to Arthur and has to use Magic to save him. **

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: Gwen didn't really **_**drop **_**the explosive thing, and Merlin didn't follow Gwen out. There was no Merlin whump, and Morgana didn't pull Merlin off a horse. **

**Predictions for next episode: Gwen will sneak out to see Round Ears, and hire him to kill Arthur. Arthur will meet him and train him to be a Knight. Once he's trained a bit, Merlin will see him do something suspicious, but can't prove it to Arthur (just like the good old days…) Merlin, Arthur and the Knights will be journeying somewhere for some reason, when Bandits appear, and Morgana. Merlin and Arthur get separated, and Merlin gets chucked off a cliff (causing Arthur to yell for him.) A new person will appear and heal Merlin with magic. Arthur will find them, bring new person back with them, and Merlin will stop Round Ears from killing Arthur. Arthur will be so happy that Merlin will get the first bromance hug of the series.**

**He will.**

**That isn't a guess. I am prepared to use lethal force if there are no hugs in the next episode.**

* * *

Next week's will be late, due to me having my 16th Birthday party. I have no idea _how _late it'll be, but at least this time I'll get to have other people discussing Merlin with me! That's right! El, Ab, Ro and oh so many more are coming back bitches! And I hope to see you soon! I'll hopefully be adding to 'Trust Issues', 'You Were Gone?' and starting 'Missing Your Chance' sometime, but it might not be done for yonks. UNTIL THEN!

**I SEND YOU VIRTUAL HUGS TO HELP YOU COPE WITH MERLIN FEELS!**


	8. With All My Heart

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

SORRY! I never got round to writing a review for the last episode! I was going to do one, after my friends had left, but then I got distracted by Tumblr and procrastination in general! I will eventually write up my Tangential review for that episode, but this week I'm just doing 'With All My Heart' and I will also get some plot bunnies off my chest too. I've been trying to start writing, but knitting and Tumblr! Gah! I'm so easily distracted! What am I even writing about right now? I don't even know anymore! Anyhoo, my birthday was lovely, and then I got into knitting again so I've been sitting here watching Merlin while making a hat for somebody's Christmas present. That's the lovely thing about knitting, it costs you almost nothing but it makes such cool things!

Anyway, I also spent (read: wasted) most of my week making a Merlin tribute video because…

MERLIN IS ENDING!

I'm moving out of denial into anger pretty quickly, so expect a lot of keyboard mashing during this review. The good thing about this is that I've worked out what will happen in every Merlin episode until the end (more or less). There are 4 episodes left. 10, 11, 12 and 13. 10 is with Alator, and Morgana will find out about Merlin being Emrys. 11 will be Mordred turning bad because Arthur kills his girlfriend. In 12 Morgana will take over Camelot, because that's happened at the end of Series 3 and it would be a shame for this series to break the pattern. At the end of the episode, Merlin will say 'I'm sorry' turn around and use magic to save Arthur's life. Then episode 13 will happen, which will be awesomeness. The end.

Anyway, should I actually start reviewing anytime soon?

* * *

**Last time – **I was not actually here, but… meh, I'm here now. Gwen was still evil, and Merlin was sent off on a wild goose chase to save someone's life. There was some mild Merlin whump, then the fake!Druid boy who I can't remember the name of came back to save Merlin's life, as Arthur's death was planned via Crossbow wielding assassin. The fake!Druid boy and Merlin were friendly, so we all knew that he was going to be dead before the episode was concluded. We were proved right and got feels over that. Not to mention how emotional everybody got over Merlin saying that he didn't have a girl. And we all thought we'd gotten over Freya dying wa-a-ay back in Series 2. Oh no we hadn't…

*Sniff*

Anyhoo, on with the show! Or fanfiction! Or Tangential review! Or…

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

On with the obligatory chanting along with Kilgarrah!

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

Someone walks around in a dress while the ominous music plays in the background. Am I the only person who thinks they've heard it before? It sounds like the music from Series 3, the pieces that would play whenever Morgana was sneaking around being evil and smirking. Maybe the music is turning everyone into traitors. Traitor music, that's what's to blame in Camelot! They have way too many traitors. It's as if all people in the city are traitors… Anyway, I've already written that particular ficlet, so no need to think more of it!

As they're wearing a dress while traitor music plays, it's obviously a traitor (all the female characters are) and the only traitor I'm aware of at the moment in Gwen. Sadly. I WANT NICE GWEN BACK! *Sobs*. Anyway, Gwen's sneaking around for some reason, but someone sees her! Oh! PERCIVAL! AND YOUR LOVELY, LOVELY ARMS! I'd fangirl a bit more, but then this would just be 5000 words of 'asdfghjkl'. Even for me, that'd get a bit boring after some time. Percival asks Gwen WTF she thinks she's doing, sneaking around Camelot at night. (OK, he doesn't but if they knew the rules of Camelot he would. All knights should be given the rules of Camelot.)

**Rule 1 – **Everyone who sneaks around after dark is evil.  
**b – **Except if they're Merlin, because he needs to sneak around to stop the evil people.  
**c – **And Gwaine. Because reasons.  
**Rule 2 – **Anyone who wears black is also evil  
**Rule 3 – **If they're related to Arthur, they are evil.  
**b – **Close friends are probably evil traitors too.  
**Rule 4 – **All Male characters have to be Topless at least once.  
**b – **Except Gaius. Gah!  
**Rule 5 – **If they are in a position of Power, they will be stupid and ignore everything Gaius tells them to do, even though Gaius is one of the few people on this show with a grain of common sense.  
**Rule 6 **– If Merlin has a 'funny feeling' about something, it's a good idea if you stop whatever the hell you're doing.  
**Rule 7 – **If you see Merlin do magic, try to forget it. People who realise that Merlin has magic tend to die off pretty quickly.  
**b – **Unless you're Gaius, for some odd reason.  
**Rule 8 – **Don't try to attack the powerful sorcerer with a pointy object. It won't work and the only person who'll get hurt is the person wielding the slightly pointy piece of metal. As if it could _actually_ hurt the all-powerful sorcerer/sorceress anyway.  
**Rule 9 – **Just ask Gaius. He'll know.  
**Rule 10 – **Hang on, is it just me, or have we forgotten someone?

Life would be much simpler if people just followed the rules of Camelot!

Anyway, Gwen tells Percival that she's just going for a walk, and Percival seems suspicious, and Gwen just tells him that she misses her old life in the lower town. Percival still seems suspicious, so Gwen uses the 'My brother just died!' card, Percival lets Gwen leave, and she walks off. Without smirking D:

Gwen and Morgana meet in the forest, as forests are where evil people do their evil plotting. Maybe they should just set the entire forest on fire. I'd help. I'd run around Camelot with a flaming torch just setting everything on fire, while cackling loudly to myself and randomly hugging Merlin.

…

For the good of Camelot, of course.

Gwen gives Morgana a scroll with information on a mission that the Knights are going on to the levee. (Bye, Bye Miss American Pie is now playing in my head… Oh no… here comes another Merlin song…)

_Bye, Bye Miss Camelot Pie,  
Took my Knights to the Levee  
But the Levee was dry.  
And smirking Morgana was setting them all on fire, singing this'll be the day that I smirk.  
This'll be the day that I smirk._

Sorry. Just count yourself lucky that I didn't re-write the entire song with Merlin themed lyrics. I am sorely tempted to.

***ASDFGHJKL!* **

LOOK! ARTHUR IS WATCHING! ARTHUR KNOWS THAT GWEN IS A TRAITOR! IT DIDN'T TAKE HIM UNTIL THE END OF THE SERIES FOR HIM TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR ONCE! FINALLY! GREAT! THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING_ ISN'T _THE OBLIVIOUS FRIEND ABANDONING NUT-JOB WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS! CALLOOH CALLEY, OH FRABJOUCE DAY! I'M CHORTLING IN MY JOY!

Anyway. For once, Arthur knows about the traitor. Finally. He looks so sad and betrayed (probably because he _has _been betrayed. For the 50th time.) He goes to withdraw his sword, but Merlin stops him, pointing out Rule 8 - Don't try to attack the powerful sorcerer with a pointy object. Arthur asks why, and Merlin says that she's been changed by magic. Merlin promises to bring the real Gwen back.

SUDDENLY, MUSICAL INTERLUDE!

~~Tangential!~~

I randomly started sobbing during the music. I think it's because I reminded myself about Merlin ending. You'll stay here though? On fanfiction? You won't leave me, will you? Please don't leave me!

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur and Gwen talk over breakfast. Well, when I say _talk, _I mean that Gwen talks at Arthur while Arthur does some Pensive-Staring™ at anything that isn't Gwen. Gwen asks if he wants to go riding with her, but Arthur turns her down. Gwen then asks whether anything's wrong, because Arthur is acting completely unnaturally. He continues to act unnaturally while asking 'What do you mean' to Gwen, which is sort of a stupid question, because even I – with my limited social skills – can tell that this breakfast is highly awkward.

**GWEN – **You seem distracted.

**ARTHUR – **Not at all.

And yes, he says that while picking at his food like a grouchy 5 year old. Honestly Arthur, I know you've just found out that another person you love dearly is betraying you for no real reason, but can't you try to act a bit better. Arthur lies some more while not eating. And now he's made me hungry. Damn you.

Cue suspicious Gwen.

~~Tangential!~~

MORDRED! I'VE FOUND MORDRED! :D Though I think in this episode it might be easier to play 'Where's Mordred' simply because he was in the trailer, and is therefore a more important part of this episode! Which is good, because Mordred is awesome. And I want to hug him now. Sadly, hugs and computers do not work. Leon is also there, and Arthur is telling them that they're switching the path to the levee, because of evil!Gwen. Mordred asks why, but Arthur doesn't tell him (saying "Because another of my loved ones is betraying me for no real reason" would just sound sarcastic, even if it is true). He then burns the new plans, because fire is cool.

O_O

Fi-re

I want to touch the fire…

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is reading, trying (and failing) to work out what to do to help Gwen. He has no idea what he has to do, and according to Wikipedia (Sorry, I mean Gaius. But Gaius is more or less the Wikipedia of BBC's Merlin, isn't he? And Kilgarrah. Though Kilgarrah's more like a fortune cookie, because you can never work out what the hell it means, and you begin to think that it really doesn't mean anything at all, and it's all a load of bullcrap anyway. Which it really is. If it wasn't for Kilgarrah, Morgana and Gwen wouldn't be evil, Balinor would still be alive, Merlin wouldn't be continually trying to get Mordred killed and I'm pretty sure that Morgana and Merlin would be snogging in a cupboard somewhere. I blame you, Slash Dragon, for destroying Mergana in an attempt to make Merthur canon. Now neither are going to happen, because evil Morgana is going to kill Arthur. Happy now?)

Ok, random ranting at the Slash Dragon over.

**GAIUS – **When I was young.

**ME - ***Spurts tea out of my mouth and onto my knitting* You were _young _once? Ok, I need to stop drinking fluids while I'm watching Merlin, or I'll end up with liquid covering all my possessions.

Anyway, there's a thing called a 'Tina Dahger' which I am pretty sure that I've spelt wrong. It sounds like some sort of drink. "I'll have a Manhattan and a Tina Dahger please!". (I have no idea what a Manhattan is. I just read a joke calling Hurricane Sandy a 'watered down Manhattan'.) Anyway, there's a ritual which Morgana did to Gwen, which was the thingy with the mandrakes. Gwen's will was shattered, and now she's basically a puppet for Morgana to use. Apparently only the females know what the ritual is, because the old religion is more than slightly sexist.

Merlin asks who can help. Gaius says that he'd either have to ask Morgana (which would end _wonderfully_ wouldn't it. "Oh, hello Morgana! I've come to ask for your help in undoing the spell you put on Gwen. Thanks!) or the Dochraid. That was the creepy woman from the episode with Lancelot, wasn't it?

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to Merlin walking into a creepy cave where the creepy woman is. Gaius tells Merlin that the creepy woman cannot be trusted, and that she shouldn't know who Merlin really is. Cue Dragoon. Merlin enters, and the creepy woman (who I've already forgotten the name of) asks for Merlin's hand. Then sniffs it. That's… normal.

Right, so we've worked out that this creepy old woman is more than slightly nutty in the head. That's encouraging. Apparently Merlin smells like 'Enmity'. Hm. I _definitely _know what that means. Yeah. I'm a very knowledgeable person, so I _obviously _know what that word means.

It means - The state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something.

And no, I didn't copy and paste that from the online dictionary, how _dare _you suggest such a thing! I have honour!

Whoa, Merlin's voice is different to normal Merlin's voice, and Dragoon's voice. Does he just put on that voice for fun? I wouldn't put it past him…

The creepy old woman silences him.

**THE CREEPY OLD WOMAN – **SILENCE!

(Told you).

The creepy old woman says that she will not tell him how to fix the queen. I bet you that she tells him within 5 minutes. Go on, bet with me! The creepy old woman tells him to leave, but Merlin is too epic for that, and uses his awesome voice (which is really just his normal voice to be honest, but I think his normal voice is pretty epic.)

**MERLIN – **Not until I have what I came for.

The creepy old woman is not pleased with this.

**THE CREEPY OLD WOMAN – **You dare challenge me, the ancient Dochraid?!

**ME – **Yup, you're definitely ancient. OOH _BURN_!

Merlin ignores her, even though the creepy old woman says that Merlin can't kill her, because she is a 'creature of the earth'. Merlin pulls out a sword. No, wait, it's _Excalibur_. Care to test your theory, creepy old woman? Hang on, where did Merlin get Excalibur from? Did he just steal it from Arthur? That's not very nice of him, is it? Merlin explains that the sword was 'forged in a dragon's breath'. All the while, the creepy old woman shies away from the sword looking scared.

**THE CREEPY OLD WOMAN – **You do not have the power to wield such a weapon!

**ME – **Care to test that? Because Merlin's definitely going to test it now.

Cue slashy sound as Merlin stabs her arm and causes her to ooze green gunk. (Called it) Ew. I was drinking tea! Now I feel ill! First the Geographically-inaccurate landscapes (I haven't gotten over the glacier, even though it's been 2 months), then the blood and now the creepy ooze! The BBC is learning! The creepy old woman is upset, and Merlin asks again how to save Gwen.

**THE CREEPY OLD WOMAN – **Your Queen is doomed. Her spirit has been consumed by the Teine Diaga (so _that's _how you spell it! Thanks iPlayer subtitles!) bound by the Silver Wheel for all eternity! Her body is nothing but an empty vessel, filled by the will of another!

**MERLIN – **Morgana…

Merlin asks how he could break the spell, but the creepy old woman says that only the greatest sorcerers could attempt the spell. Um, _hello! _Emrys here! Foretold to be the greatest warlock ever! Merlin asks again, this time while pointing his poky piece of metal at her.

**THE CREEPY OLD WOMAN – **You must travel to the Cauldron of Arianrhod. There you will need all of your powers, for you must summon the White Goddess herself. The Queen must enter the cauldron. It's waters hold the Goddess' power. Only their touch can heal her. Remember, Emrys, the Queen must enter the water willingly, if she is tricked, forced of beguiled, she will fall into the abyss and be lost… FOREVER!

DUH, DUH, DAH!

Told you she'd tell him! Called it!

Merlin says thank you, and leaves, but the creepy old woman sends a dagger after him. Being awesome, Merlin knocks it away and stabs her with his pointy metal stick. She screams.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is looking at Merlin coming back via horse, looking pensive. I wonder whether he's wondering whether Merlin's got a secret too, because why the hell not? Everyone else seems to have one! Suddenly, a wild Mordred appears! Mordred asks whether there's anything he can do, because Mordred is awesome and I want to hug him whilst squealing with happiness. Mordred leaves.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin and Gaius time! Merlin saying that there's so much that could go wrong, and he's not even sure if he's got the power or not. (Stupid creepy old woman, making Merlin doubt himself…). Gaius says that Merlin can do it, because Merlin is the only person who ever doubts himself. Merlin points out that they also have to get Gwen to go willingly into the Cauldron. Gaius seems to miss the point entirely and shows Merlin some sleeping potion, Belladonna. Merlin is awesome and recognises it instantly! Woo! Merlin points out that she has to go in willingly, not whilst asleep. Gaius says that Arthur could reach into Gwen and find the part of her that is still Gwen. Merlin says that he'd have to do magic, and Arthur would be there the whole time.

**GAIUS – **Not if he didn't recognise you.

Yeah, cause that worked _so well _last time Arthur tried to consort with a sorcerer to heal Uther 'The Loofah', didn't it?

**MERLIN – **No. No, not again.

Merlin agrees with me. So _there._

Merlin thinks that he doesn't have the strength to keep up the ageing spell while summoning the White Goddess. Gaius says that he has to find the strength then.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius is explaining how the tincture of Belladonna works to Arthur. It lasts a few hours and would have to be delivered to Gwen several times in a row to keep her asleep. Also, if they use it for more than 3 days in a row, it could kill her. Gaius thinks that it'll only take 3 days to get there, and that as long as there are no delays, everything will be fine.

*Snort*

No delays? This is _Merlin _here! There are bandit attacks every few seconds! Do you really think that there won't be any delays in getting Gwen to the Cauldron of Whatever-the-hell-it-was?

Arthur asks about the important part. Summoning the goddess.

**ARTHUR – **Summoning this goddess… will it require magic?

**GAIUS – **It is a ritual that can only be performed by a sorcerer. It is the only way, sire. Sorcery has to be fought with sorcery.

**ARTHUR – **I'll be breaking my own decrees.

**GAIUS – **To save your Queen. To save your _wife_.

**ARTHUR – **Very well. It's decided. There'll be a sorcerer – can he be trusted?

*Gaius looks at Merlin*

*Breathes quickly* Could this be…?

**GAIUS – **Upon my life.

**ARTHUR – **You assured me so once before, Gaius, then my father died in the hands of such a man.

Good point there.

**GAIUS – **This sorcerer will be entirely different.

**ARTHUR – **How can you be sure?

**GAIUS – **Because, sire, this time I have chosen…

*Holds breath*

**GAIUS - **…a woman.

,fgk,FAJOFHUP:Pt gtir;s'{ watch?feature=player_embedded&v=p0yt_mKQG6YGSFDSRDFVXAEd

That was me headbutting my keyboard out of frustration. I _know _that it wasn't going to be revealed, but how could the BBC be as cruel hearted as to give us so much false hope? _HOW! _WHY MUST YOU HURT US IN THIS WAY!?

Luckily, if my maths is correct, the reveal should be in 3 episodes.

*Waits expectantly*

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur does some Pensive-Staring™ out the window as Gwen stands behind him. Gwen asks how the training Arthur said he did when he lied to Gwen at the awkward breakfast earlier. Gwen then says that Arthur is a terrible liar, and that he's wearing the same clothes as earlier, and his armour is untouched. Gwen then asks whether she's done anything wrong, but Arthur doesn't tell her that he thinks she's a complete traitor. Instead, he tells Gwen how much he loves her, and how there isn't anything that he wouldn't do for her.

*Cue hug*

Why don't I have a boyfriend like that? TELL ME GREG!

**GREG – **

(Because he's still a Pet Rock. Sadly.)

Also, if Merlin finishes and Merlin and Arthur have only had one hug, and it was one that Merlin can't remember, I will be so pissed off at the BBC…

~~Tangential!~~

Back to Merlin and Gaius, where Merlin is showing Gaius his dre-

OH MY GOSH!

***Excuse me a minute, got to go, be right back!***

Sorry, it was just that it was 23:58, and I hadn't eaten my Advent Calendar chocolate yet! I had to rush over and grab it, and I spent 1 minute frantically trying to find the little door that said '1' on it. Seriously. I'm an utter mess, I kept squinting at the number 11, as if hoping it would magically change into the number 1. (Spoiler alert, it didn't.)

Anyway, now it's 00:01, which means I can eat the chocolate for December the 2nd! :D

Ooh, it's under Gnasher's arse!

(I got a Beano advent calendar!)

Anyway, normal(ish) service is now resumed.

Merlin is showing Gaius the dress, and Gaius says that it suits him. Merlin rushes off, but Gaius calls after him.

**GAIUS – **You're forgetting one thing!

**MERLIN - ***Looks at dress, than back at Gaius* You think it needs a belt.

You go Merlin! Accessorise that dress!

Gaius gives Merlin the sleeping potion, and tells him that Gwen needs it every 2 hours, or else.

~~Tangential!~~

Cut to dinner, where Merlin has spiked the wine with sleeping potion. Gaius, Arthur and Gwen are all eating while Merlin serves drinks (which is totally unfair by the way. Merlin should be sitting down with them.) Merlin offers Gwen wine, but she turns it down. All 3 of them turn to stare at them, all looking like they're thinking 'Oh crap, we didn't have a plan B, did we?'

Arthur uses his initiative (yes, apparently he _does _have some in there. Deep, _deep_ down.)

**ARTHUR – **A toast! A toast to… A toast to the Queen!

**GWEN – **Me? What have I done?

*All three of them stare at her, begging her with their eyes not to ask more questions.*

Gwen drinks the wine, and they all stare at her.

Not suspicious at all.

Not.

At.

All.

Gwen collapses and Merlin pushes the bread for her to fall onto (like the scene from the trailer!). I want to find some bread and use it as a cushion now. Why can't I have a bread cushion? Is it because I'm knitting? Is it? I hate you all.

Merlin has a chair wheelbarrow thing (a chair-barrow?). Arthur puts her on the chair-barrow and they quickly hurry out to get the woods to meet Arthur there. Arthur threatens Merlin to make sure that he doesn't drop her.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin and Gaius just walk past the Knights, who really don't seem to give a rat's arse that Gaius and Merlin are carrying a dead body through the castle. I know that Gaius is a physician, but really? The only people who do seem to care are Gwaine and Mordred, who do stop them as they pass by. Gaius says that it's just a barrow of linen (a very human shaped barrow of linen though…).

Mordred reaches forward to touch the chair-barrow, but Gaius yells at him to stop. Cue suspicious looks. Cue Gaius improvisation.

**GAIUS – **Not unless you want to risk an attack of redthrush fever!

Wow. I'm impressed. I was half expecting for Gaius to say that the chair-barrow was in the tavern or something. Or maybe the chair-barrow was doing poetry or something. Or maybe it was doing poetry in the tavern. Hm, it's an inanimate object you say? Well you have _no _imagination…

Gaius does some quick lying and says that someone just died in the linen, and that they're very contagious. Gaius and Merlin continue on their way, but as they round the corner the linen slips and Mordred sees Gwen's arm. So now Mordred thinks that Merlin and Gaius are serial killers on their way to hide the body.

~~Tangential!~~

Gaius and Merlin meet up with Arthur in the woods. After dark…

By the rules of Camelot, Gaius and Arthur are both traitors. Wow. That rule was not thought through particularly well. Maybe I could add some more sub-clauses...

Merlin appears with Gwen, and Arthur picks her up and carries her over to the horse.

Gaius gives Merlin a semi-hug, and then goes off.

~~Tangential!~~

CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC WHILE A SHOT OF SNEEZE-MACHINES PLAYS!

~~Tangential!~~

Creepy old woman appears… EW! SHE HAS HAIRY EYELIDS! EW! EW! THAT'S GROSS! THAT HAIR IS OVER 4 INCHES LONG! THAT'S LONGER THAN _MY _HAIR, AND THAT HAIR'S ON HER _EYELIDS! _EWWWWWW!

~~Tangential!~~

Back to the Sneeze-machines (read: Horses) near some mountains. Of course, the sorceress _has to live _at the very top of the Mountain. Arthur sets off to go, but Merlin stops him, saying that they're being watched. Arthur plainly can't tell that they're being watched, because he's looking around like 'We are being watched? Since when? And how can you tell? Obviously, the person watching them is Mordred, but they don't know that yet.

**ARTHUR – **One of your funny feelings again?

The continue forwards, and get off the sneeze-machines and continue on foot. Arthur makes Merlin carry the bags, while he carries Gwen because Arthur is a big friend-abandoning clotpole. Nope, still not over that, and I will _never _be over that. Ever.

~~Tangential!~~

The creepy old woman is back, chanting whilst a raven is in front of her. The raven then flies off, probably sendin a message to Morgana, because Merlin really does have the worst luck in the world.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur questions Merlin on his 'funny feelings'.

**ARTHUR – **These funny feelings of yours.

**MERLIN – **There not funny.

**ARTHUR – **Stupid then. Where do they come from, you think? Are you still there Merlin?

This is nearing to 'magicness' topics, so I predict a swift change in conversation.

**ARTHUR – **Don't tell me you've gone into a sulk.

**MERLIN – **I'm not sulking! I'm carrying a load even a horse would struggle under!

**ARTHUR – **Do you good.

Called it! Conversation swiftly changed!

**MERLIN – **How come it wouldn't do you good?

**ARTHUR – **I'm already good.

**MERLIN – **Well, maybe I-

HOLY HECK THAT WAS UNEXPECTED!

Merlin falls off the cliff they've been walking along.

Seriously.

He falls off the cliff.

_THE CLIFF!_

FOR THE SECOND TIME IN TWO EPISODES! Hang on…

FOR THE THIRD TIME IN _THREE EPISODES!_

He falls over in 'Dark Tower' and then got thrown off that cliff by Morgana last episode, and now this episode? Is Merlin allergic to cliffs or something? He shouldn't listen to 'Move it' then. Wonder if anyone understands that joke apart from me…

Anyway, we MIGHT BE IN WITH A CHANCE OF 2 CONSECUTIVE EPISODES WITH MERLIN WHUMP! GO WHUMPERS!

Anyway, Arthur turns round and calls for Merlin, but he's not there. Now looking slightly panicked, he calls again, before placing Gwen on the round and looking over the cliff's edge, where Merlin's lying on the floor below.

I'm sorry, but I can't be expected to believe that Merlin survived a fall like that, can I? Maybe he used magic to stop himself dying, but we didn't get to see it. Either way, he's alive, so yay! Maybe we'll get some concerned Arthur! Arthur quickly begins to climb down the cliff, which will really not end well, because I saw it in the trailer.

Yup, called it, he falls down too.

~~Tangential!~~

Morgana time! She's got the message (maybe it's a postcard!) from the creepy old woman, and goes over to Aithusa, who I really want to hug. It's probably no the brightest idea I've ever had – wanting to hug a dragon. I'd probably be slightly burnt if I tried it. The message tells Morgana that Arthur and Merlin are going to try to make Gwen better at the fountain of Whatever-its-name-was. Morgana is not happy about this, and goes over to Aithusa and asks for the dragon's help.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin is still lying at the bottom of the cliff, as is Arthur. Arthur is currently unconscious, and his arm appears to be stuck under some sort of rock. I'm really not sure _how _it got stuck under the rock when Arthur quite obviously fell _on top _off the rock, but… meh. Logic and Merlin really shouldn't mix. I haven't forgotten about those frigging glaciers and deserts that can apparently be found in Wales. Arthur tries to wake Merlin, but fails, and so try to remove his arm again. And fails again. Luckily, MORDRED APPEARS! I told you he was the one watching them! CALLED IT!

Mordred possessed some intelligence though, and remembered ROPE instead of just trying to slide down the cliff and hope for the best. Which I totally should write a ficlet about. Now. Well, it's 1:17 right now, but after I've written this. By the way, have you noticed how I write less and less for each scene as time goes by? It's because it gets later and later and I just want to go to bed, but can't, because I know if I stop writing I will procrastinate for the rest of the week and never finish writing this. So I continue. I hope you appreciate me not getting enough sleep on Saturdays!

~~Tangential!~~

EMOTIONAL FIRESIDE SCENE!

Mordred followed them for several reasons apparently. Merlin was acting odd(er than usual) and the route to the Levee was changed.

**ARTHUR – **You had a funny feeling.

**MERDRED SHIPPERS – **HAH!

**MORDRED - ***Doesn't understand* My lord?

Merlin is highly antisocial at the moment, and only takes breaks from staring pensively around him to send glares at Mordred. That really doesn't help matters Merlin. Arthur goes off to give Gwen more Belladonna, leaving Mordred and Merlin alone. Mordred walks over to Merlin to talk to him. Quite loudly actually. Is it canon that Arthur's deaf, because I really don't see how he CAN'T HEAR MERLIN AND MORDRED TALKING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM!

**MORDRED – **You don't trust me Merlin.

Mordred is generally quite awesome, and doesn't shout at Merlin for not trusting him. Instead he vows to do something to prove that he is loyal to Merlin and Arthur.

General rule of thumb, if someone says that in an episode, they are probably going to be dead by the end of the episode. Lucky thing that Mordred is prophesised to kill Arthur or he'd definitely be dead.

**MORDRED – **Then I hope we may be friends.

Oh, you don't want that. Friendship with Merlin has a 96% mortality rate.

MORDRED OUT!

~~Tangential!~~

They're walking again, through the banners and flags. Merlin says that they show that the place is a sacred site (they have a lot of those in Wales, don't they?) and they show the way for Pilgrims. Arthur asks how Merlin knows that, and Merlin just says that 'Gaius told him'. While they talk, Morgana stands above them looking ominous. SUDDENLY AITHUSA!

Mordred and Arthur run off while Merlin looks about.

**ARTHUR – **Morgana must be close.

**ME – **No shit Sherlock.

**MERLIN – **You go. I'll distract it!

How has Arthur not noticed a pattern? Whenever the Dragon shows up, Merlin goes to 'distract it' and everything turns out to be fine! Oh, oblivious Arthur… Aithusa shoots past again and Arthur finally concedes and lets Merlin distract the dragon. Arthur goes off with Gwen, while Merlin and Mordred stay behind. Merlin tells Mordred that he'll go after the dragon, and Mordred tries to stop him. Aw. Merlin says that he knows what he's doing.

He steps out towards the Dragon and uses his awesome Dragony voice to send Aithusa away. Then he returns to Mordred and they do some very fast running away. But we all know this'll end badly, don't we? We saw the trailer for this episode, and we know that Morgana's going to suddenly appear!

CALLED IT!

Morgana appears and sends Merlin and Mordred flying forwards (so many 'M's! I'll just be glad that Morgause is dead. And Mithian's not there. There have got to be other people with names beginning with M…

Anyway, Mordred is knocked out, but Merlin gets up and RUNS AWAY WITHOUT MORDRED! HOW DARE YOU MERLIN! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT IN SERIES 1! Oh, I miss them all from Series 1, when Morgana was awesome and Merlin wasn't slightly evil.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin catches up with Arthur and they have the scene from the trailer. Merlin manages to convince Arthur not to go back for Merlin.

*Growls ferociously*

~~Tangential!~~

Mordred is still unconscious, and Morgana slowly strokes his cheek, which causes him to wake up. Why in the world (or at least, why in the Merlinverse) does cheek-stroking cause people to wake up so quickly? It doesn't work when I try it on people on sleepovers! Luckily, otherwise my sleepovers would be very awkward.

**AB – **Em, why are you stroking my face…

**ME - **…

**ME – **Science.

**ME – **Definitely science.

**AB – **Okaaaaaaay, I think I'm going to go now.

Anyway Mordred gets up and pushes himself away from Morgana. Mordred asks why she hasn't killed him, but Morgana says that she never wanted to kill him, because they're both the same. Mordred refuses to join her, even though Morgana says that Arthur would never tolerate him for what he is. Is anyone else thinking that this would be what Morgana would have said to Merlin if she knew about his magic, and if she didn't hate Merlin so much?

Mordred says that one day he'll know and they'll be accepted. Then Morgana asks where Emrys is, which is one thing that Mordred _does _know. Being awesome and all, he says that Morgana would know if a powerful sorcerer was with them, because they'd feel his presence. Morgana prepares to kill Mordred, but Mordred says an awesome line that Merlin really should say.

**MORDRED – **Such hatred as yours can never triumph.

I like to think that Mordred is currently a less bitter and twisted version of current Merlin.

**MORDRED – **I hope one day you will find the love and compassion which used to fill your heart.

**ME – **WITH MERLIN! FIND THE LOVE WITH MERLIN! PLEASE! MERGANA CAN'T BE GONE! PLEASE!

SUDDENLY, MORDRED MAGIC!

Mordred sends Morgana flying, because he rules.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin, Arthur and Gwen are at the Cauldron of God-only-remembers-the-name, and Merlin takes off all the bags while Arthur lies Gwen down at the edge of the lake (it's not a Cauldron. Definitely not what I pictured when I heard the word 'Cauldron'. Arthur then asks where the sorceress is, and Merlin does some quick thinking, before saying that he'll go off to find her.

And then the dress falls out of his bag.

*Facepalm*

Seriously Merlin, are you _trying _to look like a cross dresser?

Arthur looks at it like WTF?

Merlin does some more quick thinking, before saying that the dress is payment for the sorceress' services. Arthur asks why a recluse would be interested in clothes.

**MERLIN – **I don't know Arthur. She's a sorceress, she's not going to be normal, is she?

I think that can be translated thus:

**MERLIN – **Just shut up Arthur, so I can go off and pretend to be a woman. Yet another thing you'll have to thank me for when you know the truth.

And Merlin is gone!

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin quickly gets dressed into the dress.

~~Tangential!~~

Short scene over, and Mordred appears! Arthur seems happy to see him, and they have a manly armshake.

**ARTHUR – **How did you escape Morgana?

**MORDRED - ***BLATANTLY LIES* Even she is no match for a Knight of the Round Table!

**ARTHUR – **Seriously Mordred.

Sheesh Arthur, since when did you become so… un-oblivious?

SUDDENLY, OLD MERLIN IN DRAG!

(Can we have 5 minutes mourning for the hot chocolate I was drinking – I moved on from the tea – which has parted from my mouth and is now covering the floor, walls and (somehow) the ceiling too?)

It isn't Merlin in a dress as such, but how Merlin is utterly failing to be a woman. While Mordred and Arthur look on in utter bemusement. Merlin is just shifting positions and he looks like he is trying to remember how Morgana and Gwen stand so he can look like a woman. He starts off with one hand on his hip, and then takes it off.

The three facial expressions of the characters can be described like this:

Arthur - Well she's clearly utterly bonkers. Well, I might as well say my last goodbyes to Gwen now…  
Mordred - She looks strangely familiar, and where's Merlin gone? Hang on, is _that_ _Merlin__? I_ thought Leon was lying about the whole cross-dressing thing…  
Merlin – Help! What do girls do? That? No, they're looking at me like I'm tap-dancing naked. What about this? No, that's stupid… How does Gwen stand? Damn it, this was a _bad_ idea…

Hehehe, Merlin's voice is hilarious, it's all lispy…

Arthur asks Mordred whether she looks familiar, and Mordred says that she does. Merlin then does this weird… Well, I would describe it, but I really would find it hard to describe it in a way that gives proper justice to Colin Morgan's acting. Watch it. It's _hilarious. _He's acting flirty, which is odd, because the woman he's pretending to be is at least 200 billion years old.

**MORDRED – **My lord, where is Merlin?

Yup, because Arthur really doesn't care that Merlin's mysteriously vanished. Again.

Oh, no, wait, he does care, because he's drawn out his sword.

More quick thinking by Merlin, and he says that Merlin's his (her?) insurance, and that they have to keep her alive or Merlin will die. I'm surprised that Arthur took this as well as he did, continuing to work with her. I'd expect him to be more concerned about Merlin's welfare. I seem to have overestimated Arthur again…

Anyway, more giggling, mostly because of this line.

**MERLIN – **Nothing is hidden from… THE DOLMA!

Yes, with that emphasis and everything. Wow, I wonder how many takes it took to get that scene right, because I'm sure that Colin and Bradley would have burst into laughter at least once.

Merlin goes over to Gwen, and tells Arthur that it will not be easy to do it, and they might fail. He also tells Arthur that Gwen must go into the Cauldron (Sorry, I'm _still _picturing it as an actual 'Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble' sort of Cauldron.) of her own free will. To succeed, Arthur has to pull Gwen out of the spell. He has to find old Gwen inside of evil new Gwen.

Merlin then uses magic to wake Gwen, and Gwen does so, looking very confused. The last thing she must remember is having that nice nap on the loaf of bread. Can I ship them? Breadevere? Sorry, going off track… And it's _**2:15 **_GAH I WANT TO SLEEP! I'M TRYING SO HARD NOT TO RUSH THIS!

Gwen tries to run but Arthur grabs her, even though Gwen is shouting things at him which must be making him feel sad.

**MERLIN – **You must reach her Arthur.

**GWEN – **Who's this old Crone?!

_That _is a very good question. Arthur seems too trusting of the old creepy woman. But… meh. Maybe he subconsciously recognises her as Merlin. Arthur starts to drag Gwen towards the Cauldron, but Merlin reminds Arthur that it has to be of Gwen's own free will.

Arthur tries again.

**ARTHUR – **Do you remember when I asked you to marry me? Do you remember what you said? You said 'with all my heart'. That's what you said Guinevere. That was no subterfuge. No trickery. 'With all my heart'

**ME – **TITLE DROP! TITLE DROP!

The dramatic music is replaced with nice music, so it's obviously worked. Arthur backs into the lake, while Gwen repeats 'with all my heart' and follows Arthur in.

While she's in the Cauldron, Merlin uses his magic, and GLOWYNESS! Well, we know where all Merlin's CGI budget DIDN'T go. Anyway, more important matters. Like the fact that Gwen is back to normal! ARWEN IS BACK IN BUSINESS BICHES! Oh, and Gwen and Arthur are hugging in the lake.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur asks whether there's anything the old woman wants, like a new dress. (Gwen looks shocked at Arthur's behaviour, because she thinks that Arthur's insulting Merlin/Droma's clothes. Instead Merlin asks for Arthur to remember that Sorcery was what saved Gwen.

Mordred, Arthur and Gwen prepare to leave.

Hang.

On.

One.

Bloody.

Frigging.

SECOND!

**NOT!**

_**AGAIN!**_

_**GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**_

_**DO YOU HAVE MEMORY PROBLEMS ARTHUR? CAN'T YOU REMEMBER MERLIN, **__**EVER?**_

_**KKKKKKKKAq GAHfdv;J GOSHUI**_~~Tential!~~

_Agvho fagvsd yhedfsdfdvvxvg Q_

*Calms down slightly*

*Re-opens iPlayer after I accidentally shut it down in my rage*

*Breathes heavily*

Expect a new chapter of 'You Were Gone'. Soon. Very soon indeed Arthur.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

**MERLIN – **Aren't you forgetting something?

All three of them look around, and Arthur checks his sword. _He checks his sword!_

**FRIEND ABANDONING PRAT – **I don't think so.

**MERLIN – **The boy?

**FRIEND ABANDONING PRAT – **Ah. I thought so. I thought everything had gone unusually smoothly.

Cue Merlin ranting at Arthur about how one day he'd learn how much people around him (read:Merlin) have done for him. And then Merlin sends Arthur and co away. Merlin then turns to leave, but they all turn around, so he stops moving and waves, before running off to get changed and become Merlin again.

~~Tangential!~~

Mordred and Merlin ride alongside each other, and Mordred talks about how Arthur is lucky to have Merlin. He also reveals that he knows that Merlin was the Dolma, and that he won't tell anyone. He also says that he admires Merlin, doing so much for so little in return. Mordred says that they do have something in common. The future of Camelot…

'**MERLIN!'**

**NEXT TIME!**

MERLIN TURNS DRAMATICALLY! MORGANA TURNS DRAMATICALLY! ALATOR APPEARS! Morgana wants to know where Emrys is! Lots of people running in lots of different directions. Man goes flying, Merlin peeks around a corner, Morgana has a snake (she likes her snakes, doesn't she?) Running Alator, exploding Alator, Fiery Mordred while Merlin is on the other side, DRAGON! Crossbow wielding dude, Merlin, Morgana, falling down Merlin.

*Breathes in loudly*

**Total 'Called it!' moments: 6. (71 total)**

**Total 'Aw' moments: 1. I NEED MORE! AND A HUG!**

**Predictions that came true: Zilch. I sort of didn't make any last week :/**

**Predictions **_**did not **_**come true: See above**

**Predictions for next episode: Way too lazy to do this properly, but here goes. Morgana asks the sword-wielding woman where Alator is. They chase Alator. Arthur goes looking for Alator too. Morgana finds Alator first, and the Knights are all chasing after Morgana when fire happens and Merlin gets separated from them. Morgana finds Merlin, Alator is tortured (which is sad, because I really liked his character) and reveals that Merlin is Emrys. Merlin is like: Oh balls! He's then like 'Screw this, I'm Emrys!' Calls Kilgarrah and flies away. The end. And then magic happens and everyone hugs.**

* * *

I'll hopefully be here next week, but I have GCSE mocks, so I might end up being late. Which might mean I have to fulfil my duties as 'Queen of Procrastination' and not do next episode's, which would be sad. HOPEFULLY SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! SORRY FOR TYPOS!


	9. Diamond of the Day (Part 1 of 4)

Feel free to skip forward until the line break if you don't want to read my _very _tangential A/N. Seriously, do so.

* * *

Sorry for not doing reviews for the last two episodes, I was busy on study leave, revising for fun, fun, fun French exams (among other equally fascinating subjects). However, I HAVE RETURNED, and I am beginning this review now! Congratulations for surviving the apocalypse by the way, and welcome to.

Duh, duh DAH!

The last _every _two parter of Merlin. Ever.

EVER!

*Sobs*

I have been coping with my grief by writing a long Doctor Who/Merlin crossover and weeping copiously over my notebook with plans for 'For want of a Rope'. I cope well with grief. Yay.

Anyway, on with the show! (Special reference for a special reviewer!)

* * *

**SPECIAL NEW UPDATE :D WRITTEN POST-EPISODE!– **As Merlin is finishing soon (*blows nose loudly on napkin*) I decided to do some 'end of series' predictions for the episode. General things that I believe will happen before the end. And here are some things I've been pondering:

Gaius. I think he has a small chance of making it out of the show alive, but it is quite small. The Merlin writers are in a very 'Moffat-y' mood at the moment, and I have a suspicion that he'll be killed off either at the end of next episode or at the end of the first of the two partners. Perhaps just before/after the reveal.

Arthur. I think he will actually die, but as I've learnt from Supernatural, death is not very permanent in TV land. He'll either be brought back by some magic stuff, or they'll go by the legends. You know, 'to reawaken when England needs him once more'. Even though the show is set in Wales. I think (still not happy over the use of Glaciers and Deserts). Maybe they'll make it a reincarnation fic, seeing as they seem to have read quite a lot of fanfiction at the moment (Girl!Merlin, and a helluva lot of Merlin whump). The name 'Emrys' _does _mean immortal.

The other Knights. Sadly, I think at least one of them will be killed off. If it's Gwaine I'll scream. If it's Leon my head canon will be irrevocably destroyed. If it's Percival Ab will go and kill the BBC writers. I DON'T WANT THEM TO DIE!

Mordred. Merlin will kill/cause Arthur to kill his girlfriend/sister, and Mordred will be highly pissed off. Cue evil revenge. I'm still hoping for him to change his ways just after he kill Arthur, but that might not happen. He'll probably be killed by a pissed off Merlin.

Morgana. She's going to die. The question is whether she'll get a teensy bit of redemption before she goes. I'm hoping for some! OPTIMISM!

THE REVEAL! Merlin will say 'I'm sorry' then magic will occur. Arthur will be angry, but will eventually forgive Merlin. Then he'll die. Or maybe, if the BBC if feeling especially evil, Arthur could find out WHILE he's dying. Then I'll break something.

KILGARRAH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOO!

Aithusa better treated well, and she'd better be loved by EVERYONE or tonight's the night when BBC writers mysteriously die off…

Merlin. If Merlin dies well… well I'd kill the second set of writers in horrible ways. What happened to the first set you ask? NOTHING YOU CAN PROVE!

_** !**_

Guesswork over!

BREAKER

**Last time – **I cried. A lot. Need I go on?

Well, I probably should, otherwise this review will just be a 6000+ words on keyboard mashing out of irritation and/or feels. It's surprisingly hard to keep this thing staying coherently.

'**In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name, MERLIN!'**

'**HUAH!'**

And a door is pushed open. Because doors are cool, and it is the gateway to a whole new episode, while we shall drink and be angsty. Or maybe that's just me. Ok, that's just me then. I'll just go weep in the corner then.

I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS!

*Sobs*

Ok, random cry over, back to the episode. Creepy dude in a hooded cape (because all creepy people wear hoods, it's the fashion at the moment, if you don't then YOU AINT FASHIONABLE, GET OUT!) This guy is probably evil then, because that's another sub clause I need to add into the rules of Camelot somewhere – hoods are evil, and only evil people wear them. Pah, hoody scum…

Ooh! Morgana!

**MORGANA – **What a pleasure it is to see you again, Ari.

Yup, if Morgana thinks seeing them is a good thing, then they're probably evil.

The creepy dude withdraws his head-covery thing (Ok, the real word for that will come to me when I least expect it, and I will probably end up randomly shouting it (or whatever the writing equivalent to shouting is – capsing? I'm calling it that now, so deal with it.)

Ok, so Morgana invited the creepy dude to her creepy palace. Something tells me that this will not bode well for the creepy dude. RIP creepy dude, your short period on the show was valued. Anyhoo, Morgana says that she 'boasted of his powers'. Something tells me that this has something to do with the whole 'let's rid Merlin of his awesomeness!' part of the episode that I've been looking forward to/dreading for the past week.

HOOD!

THAT'S THE WORD! How the _hell _did I forget that word? I used it like a bazillion times just a couple of paragraphs ago! Seriously!

Anyway.

Morgana wishes to see creepy dude use magic. Creepy dude uses magic to put out flames. Morgana is impressed.

Morgana takes out box.

Creepy dude tries to escape.

Creepy dude begs.

Box contains creepy slug thing.

Creepy dude gets face-attacked by creepy slug thing.

Mordred is not amused.

Morgana sits down.

Why am I writing in short sentences?

I do not know.

Do you know?

I thought not.

I need help.

HxdasdgtkyjhgfWR3QWA

Ok, I broke out of that curse, which shall never again be mentioned as it looks really bad formatting wise. Anyway, back to the actual episode of Merlin. Ok, Mordred asks whether creepy dude is dead (aw, Mordred. Even when you're evil, you're not even that evil at all. Look at you, trying to make sure the creepy dude isn't dead! Aw! I thought there was a reason I wanted to hug you and punch Merlin quite thoroughly throughout the last couple of episodes. Oh, who am I kidding? The entire _series!_)

Morgana says that he isn't dead, and the creepy dude reawakens. I said it wouldn't end well! Called it! I bet he's lost his magic, like Merlin's going to in this episode (*sobs again*). Morgana tells Ari/creepy dude to use magic again, this time to re-light the fire. The creepy dude can't, and says that he won't humiliate himself in front of Morgana, so Morgana threatens his family if he refuses. The creepy dude tries to light the fire, and fails.

Wow, for a creepy dude who went willingly to Morgana, he's relatively Ok. That's nice to know.

Aw, he's crying. Can I say that this is the first point at this episode where I'm feeling upset? It's been ONE MINUTE MERLIN, ONE MINUTE! Goddamn it BBC…

(also, called it)

Morgana releases Ari, and Mordred says that she's lost an Ally by stealing his power. Morgana says that it doesn't matter, because.

*ahem*

**MORGANA – **For Arthur is nothing without Emrys, and Emrys is nothing without magic.

~~Tangential!~~

INTRO SONG! I'LL ONLY EVER HERE THIS LIVE THREE MORE TIMES! LEAVE ME TO MY MISERY!

*Sobs*

(I've moved on from Anger and Bargaining, and I've been lodged firmly in the 'Depression' stage for about half a week. And mark my words, I am NEVER leaving this stage. I WILL NEVER REACH ACCEPTANCE! EVER!)

*Curls in a ball and weeps*

~~Tangential!~~

SOMEONE'S SNEAKING AROUND CAMELOT! IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES! Is there going to be a creepy business dude who sells to an evil person and then asks for even more money, which causes the evil person who's buying the thing to say 'You'll get what you deserve' or something else mind-numbingly obvious but yet they completely ignore the signs and get stabbed while the customer goes on with some idiotic plot to destroy Arthur/Uther/Camelot/THE DESTRUCTION, OF REALITY, _ITSELF! _Sorry, random Doctor Who quote.

Anyway.

DAMN YOU INTERNET! WHY MUST YOU CRASH NOW! DAMN YOU BEARDY BRANSON! DAMN YOU!

Ok, working now.

Sorry for my internet-related meltdown. That happens a lot.

~~Tangential!~~

THE TAVERN! The Rising Sun! Is Gwaine going to be there? Is Gwaine going to be there? Gwaine better be there.

DAMN IT! WHY IS THERE NO GWAINE?

Instead, Arthur and Merlin (and I think I spy Percival lurking in the corner too) are playing some version of a dice game that I don't understand and will not try to understand because then I will fail massively and you'll all laugh at me while I weep openly in the corner. Because every single person who's reading this is evil. Highly so.

Anyway.

Arthur's goading Merlin, who I think is currently losing.

Well _that's _going to change. Bet he uses magic to win.

There's also a large crowd surrounding the two of them who are still playing the game. I'm sure the game isn't _that _interesting, and even if it was, the large 'OooooOOOooo!' sound they keep making every time Merlin and Arthur make a banter-related comment is slightly annoying. Merlin puts a large pile of money in and then blows on the dice.

OH COME ON!

HOW THE _HELL _DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT YOU OBLIVIOUS PRAT!

THEY CHANGED COLOUR!

RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

HOW DID YOU _NOT _NOTICE THAT!?

GAH!

Merlin throws the dice, calls '10' and rolls a 10. It's almost like magic!

(Spoiler alert, it _is _magic)

So Merlin's using magic to cheat at dice. Which is totally _not _what I'd do if I had magic. I'd just spend all day blowing things up for the hell of it.

**ME – **Hmm, homework to do? *MAGIC EYES* NOT ANYMORE I DON'T! IN YOUR FACE BRITISH EDUCATION SYSTEM! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO MY HOMEWORK WHEN IT'S ON _FIRE!_ YOU DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS EVENTUALITY, DID YOU NOW? _HA!_ HA! Oh crap, I set the house on fire again…

Let us pray for a moment in thankfulness that I have neither magic, nor any form of power at all.

The world should be grateful.

~~Tangential!~~

Some Knights are a-Knighting. They walk through a corridor and COME ON!

How did he even _get _on the ceiling in the first place? He's like some kind of assassin spider!

(Let's pray for a second in thankfulness that spiders aren't assassins. Otherwise I'd be killed in the bath a lot more.)

Anyway the assassin spider walks into Merlin/Gaius room, and picks up a rock. I'm assuming that they wouldn't kill Gaius off this easily, so he'll probably be knocked conveniently unconscious. (Convenient I said… almost _too _convenient. Almost like… _Convenientitus_)

Anyway.

~~Tangential!~~

Arthur is losing. Badly. And of course he blames it on _Merlin coughing_. Bless his little badly losing face. He really needs to treat Merlin a bit better, by stopping chucking things at Merlin's head and blaming Merlin. If _I _threw things at people while at the dinner table, things would be a lot more fun though…

**ME – **Can I have some more mashed potato? *lobs plate which hits someone on the head, coating the walls with blood, mashed potato and broken crockery. I then realise what I have done, but am too scared of punishment to call for help. Panicking, I drag the body to the nearby woods, burying the corpse underneath the children's sandpit. I run back home and clean up the mess, hoping that I won't be caught by the police, so that my bright future will remain unsullied by such marks as murder. As I wait at home through the night, I keep thinking I hear them moving about downstairs, but whenever I go down to check, no-one is there.

The next day, the doorbell rings, and I open it to find the police, asking questions about my missing friend. I invite them in, and we chat pleasantly before they go, unable to find anything suspicious at all about my house. They declare them missing a week later, but after a month or so the case goes cold.

I am never caught for my crime, and I go on in life, smiling on the outside while the guilt slowly eats away at my insides, like some sort of potent acid. It's only when I return to the very same playground, twenty years later, complete with two and a half kids, that the guilt finally takes over, and I break down and cry. I am admitted to the psych-ward a few days later, where I stay for over twelve years.

Suddenly, in the depths of winter, I realise that I am only trapped as long as they think I can't escape. Taking my chance, I brutally murder a nurse, disguising myself as her and leaving the hospital for good. On the run, all I can think about is how this started because I wanted some more mashed potato. This becomes an obsession, and I crave the potato more than anything else in the world. After a few weeks on the run, I break into a house, stealing their potatoes, as well as all their butter and mashing sticks.

I try to make more mashed potato.

But it never tastes quite the same.

…

O_o

Ok, that was one of the weirder Tangents I've gone on.

And one of the longest.

And the one that's making me slightly freaked out about whether I have a secret dark side that's obsessed with potatoes.

Ok, let's try to get this back on track…

Let us never speak of this again.

*Ahem*

~~Tangential!~~

(In case you were wondering, Merlin won again, due to very un-subtly applied magic.)

Merlin attempts to sneak into his room without waking up Gaius, which will probably be a lot easier than normal due to Gaius being unconscious and all. Aw, Merlin, you're sneaking in from the tavern after hours. And you've actually _been in _the tavern instead of it being used as a bad excuse by Gaius.

Merlin, being a very clumsy (possibly drunk) person, also manages to trip over a stool to the floor, but is _not suspicious at all _by the fact that Gaius doesn't appear demanding to know who he thinks he is, coming in at this time of night. Nope, instead Merlin continues straight into his room *shakes head*

Merlin collapses onto the bed, and AH CREEPY SLUG THING! KILL IT MERLIN! NOO DON'T ATTACK MERLIN CREEPY SLUG! NOOOO! NOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The creepy slug gets knocked off Merlin by Merlin's awesomeness, and thrown across the room. BUT IT'S COMING AGAIN! GAH!

SUDDENLY, GAIUS!

The creepy slug is thrown off, and quivers and dies on the bed. Gaius goes over to check on Merlin.

**MERLIN - ***Sees cut on Gaius' face* You should get that seen to.

AW MERLIN! LET ME LOVE YOU! *Tries yet again to hug through computer screen, but still manages to fail massively. Such are the woes of a 16 year old Merlin geek.*

Merlin passes out.

Hm. Wonder how many AU tags of this episode will be up soon, because it BETTER BE MANY! I WANT TO READ AU TAGS! Sorry for capsing on you, but I love AU tags so very much. I sometimes have all these AU tags planned in my head, and then I go to write them up, write a sentence and then go 'nah, screw it, I'll write some crack for 'For Want of a Rope' instead. '

Such are my woes.

Do you know how hard it is to keep stuff serious? Some people have a talent for angst, but I have NO SUCH THING! Seriously, I have two settings:

-Rambling (A la Tangential)

-Crack (A la everything else I've ever written in my life, bar the long fic I once wrote and then abandoned for months on end.)

*Sigh*

One day I'll write a long Merlin fic.

BUT TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY!

(Sorry, random references! I apologise!)

~~Tangential!~~

MEEEEEEEERLIN! MERLIIIIIIIN! MERRRRRRRLIN! I WANT TO HUG YOU!

*Ahem*

Ok, Merlin's unconscious and being treated by Gaius, who's not unconscious. Suddenly, Merlin awakens, and Gaius asks what happened. Merlin tells him, and Gaius points out that Mordred would have told Morgana about Merlin's powers by now, and so Morgana must have sent the creepy, magic-sucking slug to kill Merlin, and they should just be lucky that she didn't succeed.

Ah. That might not be true.

Merlin reaches out for the water and tries to use magic to summon it.

**MERLIN – **Stangath.

*Confused look*

**MERLIN – **Stangath!

*Worried look, sits up in bed*

**MERLIN – **_Stangath!_

*Panicky look*

**MERLIN – **Gaius!

Gaius comes back, and Merlin tells him that he thinks he's lost his magic. *Cue worried looks and an undeniable urge to hug through computer screens. Sadly that's still impossible. My pet rock Greg understands though, don't you Greg? *hugs Greg for what has to be the hundredth time this series. Sheesh** (Ooh look, a double action-y astrix thingy!

~~Tangential!~~

Studying Gaius! He looks up the creepy slug thingy, and it's the Gean-Whachamacallit, which is a fearsome creature. Despite it's very slug-like appearance. Gaius then goes on to repeat everything Morgana said, except with more worried looks and eyebrows. Basically, he tells Merlin that the creature is like a magic-hoover that sucks up magical power, and Merlin has lost his magic.

Damn you BBC. Damn you.

~~Tangential!~~

MORDRANA TIME! (No, not a mistype, instead it's my latest shipping name. Seflin might not have caught on (also, WHERE THE HELL IS SEFA! HAS SHE JUST VANISHED? DID SHE CATCH CONVENIENTITUS? OH NO! MY SHIP IS SINKING! *Calms down slightly*) and neither has Lithian, but MORDRANA sounds cool. Like, _Mord_red and Mor_gana_. Eh? I CRAVE YOUR ATTENTION!

Ok, Mordred and Morgana are in front of a castle, that is currently on fire (I think I might have already mentioned that stones are not particularly flammable,, at least I did in an earlier Tangential. But the BBC does enjoy screwing with me, so that probably explains it.) Anyway, cue handholding and chanting, which causes fireballs.

Can I ship it?

I ship it.

Mordrana.

~~Tangential!~~

SCREAMING AND SO ON! GAH!

Ooh Gwaine.

Hang on, NO GWAINE!  
NONONONONONO! I'VE READ THE LEGENDS, AND I COMPLETELY FORBID YOU FROM DYING! YOU GOT THAT? GOOD. SAME GOES FOR YOU LEON. IF YOU DIE I'LL KILL YOU, NO MATTER HOW ILLOGICAL THAT SOUNDS. SCREW LOGIC, I REFUSE TO WATCH MY TWO FAVOURITE KNIGHTS DIE!

Good, Gwaine's alive. That's good. Keep doing that Gwaine.

Oh, a blonde girl that's…

AHA! THE BBC SAID THEY WERE GIVING GWAINE A LOVE INTEREST THIS SERIES! I'VE FOUND HER!

(Bet you 5 fanfictionPoints that she either dies next episode or is a traitor. Or maybe both.)

Gwaine rescues blond girl from the guy who was holding a knife and is bald so therefore evil, but SUDDENLY, EVIL PERSON ATTACKS GWAINE!IF YOU KILL HIM, I WILL FIND YOU AND YOU WILL **DIE **SCUM!

Yay! Gwaine's rescued by the-blonde-girl-I-still-can't-remember-the-name-of-or-even-if-she-_had-_a-name-in-the-first-place. And she knocks out the guy who almost killed Gwaine, Gwaine grabs blonde girl, and LEON! YAY! Oh crap, not a yay moment, the not-Camelot castle they're in is being attacked, and they have to flee.

*Cue fleeing*

~~Tangential!~~

Back in Camelot, and the wounded are in the corridors, along with Gaius who's ambling along. Shouldn't he be helping the people instead of wandering about like a NPC in a video game? Oh no wait, Merlin's definitely the NPC in this video game. He's standing still and doesn't interact until Gaius comes and talks to him. Ok, I've deduced that 'Merlin' the TV show is a video game and Gaius is the playable character. That's… cool.

Anyway.

Gaius says that it isn't a coincidence that she attacked when Merlin was weakest, and then says that Merlin should treat those who need help, because he can do that even if he can't use magic.

~~Tangential!~~

Merlin treats Gwaine's girlfriend (though obviously he's still _totally _in love with Apple. Gwapple beats Gwaine/Girl-I-don't-think's-been-named-yet _anyday._ Girl-yet-unnamed asks about her family, but Gwaine said that the people from her town all died, and that she's alone. EIRA! _THAT'S _her name! Screw going back and changing all my hyphenations to her real name. Too much effort and it's half-midnight and I have (*sob*) half an hour of Merlin to get through.

I think I might continue this in the morrow. If ever.

GOOD NIGHT GOOD SIR!

(And sorry, I am so, so sorry.)

I need my sleep!

PEACE OFF!


End file.
